ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I've been married to my husband for 27 years, and until recently, I thought we had a pretty solid marriage. We've raised two wonderful children, survived job losses and family illnesses, and always prided ourselves on being honest with each other, especially about money.

A few weeks ago, I was looking for a document in my husband's desk when I came across a credit card statement for an account I didn't recognize. At first, I thought it was a mistake. Then I saw the balance: nearly $24,000.

My stomach dropped.

When I confronted my husband, he admitted he'd opened the card three years ago without telling me. He'd been using it for expensive golf trips, dinners with friends, electronics and other things he knew I would question. He insisted he wasn't having an affair and said he'd planned to pay it off before I ever found out.

What hurt me most wasn't even the money. It was the fact that for three years, he'd been looking me in the eye while keeping this enormous secret.

We've always discussed major purchases, and I've passed up plenty of things I wanted because we were trying to save for retirement. Meanwhile, he was quietly spending thousands of dollars on himself.

When I asked how he could justify lying to me, he said, "I didn't want to upset you. Besides, it's my money, too."

I nearly fell off my chair. Of course it's his money, too. But isn't it also our future?

He's apologized and promised it won't happen again, but now I find myself questioning everything. Are there other accounts I don't know about? What else has he been hiding? Every time he goes out with friends, I wonder what he's spending.

I don't want to throw away 27 years of marriage over a credit card, but I also don't know how to rebuild trust when the person I trusted most has been deceiving me for years.

Am I making too much of this, or is financial dishonesty just as serious as any other kind of betrayal? -- Betrayed By the Balance

Dear Betrayed: You're not upset about a credit card. You're upset about three years of lies, and that's understandable. Financial honesty in a marriage is a very important component.

Take his apology as something to be valued. Ask for complete transparency about your finances and make a realistic plan together to pay off the debt. A financial counselor or marriage counselor could help.

It's not about the money; it's about the trust. The good news is that trust can be rebuilt, but not with promises alone. It takes honesty, accountability and time. Your husband needs to do the work.

========

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.