Too Little, Too Late, Too Many Apologies
Dear Annie: A co-worker of mine is repeatedly late -- late to meetings, late with deadlines, late to answer messages. Every time, she is over-the-top apologetic. She has some elaborate excuse (which could be true, for all I know), apologizes at length, and acknowledges how much her lateness affects me and the rest of the team. I end up in the position of comforting HER by the end of her apology rant.
I don't want to hear "I'm sorry." I just want a co-worker who is reliable. How do I handle this the next time it happens? -- Tired of Comforting
Dear Tired of Comforting: Her apologies have turned into a performance, but you don't have to play the part of audience member.
Next time, let her finish. Don't interrupt or reassure her. When she's done, say: "This isn't the first time lateness has been an issue. What can we do to make sure it doesn't happen again?"
That moves the conversation from how sorry she is to what she will actually do differently next time. The answer should include specifics.
If the lateness persists, take it to your supervisor.
Dear Annie: I'm getting married next spring, and I couldn't be more excited. We've booked a vineyard venue we both love, and just last week I found the dress of my dreams. I cannot wait for my fiance to finally become my husband!
After much back and forth, we decided we want the wedding to be an adults-only celebration, and we wrote it plainly on the invitations. I love kids, but I want my friends to be present on my wedding day and not distracted chasing after toddlers.
Last week, my cousin was in town and mentioned how excited her 4-year-old daughter is to come to the wedding. I was so caught off guard; I stammered, "Oh, that's so cute!" and said nothing about her daughter not being invited. Now I'm torn between letting it slide and just living with having her kids there or contacting my cousin to clarify. Both strike me as so unbearably awkward. Help! -- Dreading the Phone Call
Dear Dreading the Phone Call: Make the call. Letting it slide only moves the awkwardness to your wedding day. Your cousin may simply have missed the line on the invitation, and you'd be saving her some embarrassment when she's the only one who shows up with her children.
No need to apologize or overexplain. Plenty of people have adults-only celebrations. She's allowed to be disappointed, and her feelings are hers to manage. You have a wedding to plan.
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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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