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Dear Annie: For as long as I can remember, my mother has been extremely generous with gifts, sometimes to the point of being over the top. My sister and I have always thanked her, while also telling her she doesn't need to fill our cars with presents for birthdays and holidays. Still, she continues.

Lately, though, her gift giving has started to feel less generous and more confusing.

Recently, she asked what my son wanted for his birthday. I gave her a list with several options at different price points. She immediately chose the most expensive item and announced, "I'll get that for him." But then she began asking whether a cheaper version would work, whether we could reuse something his older sibling already had, or whether I could contribute toward the cost.

There were plenty of less expensive choices on the list, so I couldn't understand why she insisted on choosing the priciest gift only to make an issue of paying for it.

Something similar happened with my sister. My mother bought her an elaborate gift, then told other relatives that my sister is terrible with money and can barely pay her bills, implying that she needs my mother's financial help. None of that is true. Eventually, the comments got back to my sister, who felt humiliated. My mother, meanwhile, came across as the generous parent rescuing her financially irresponsible daughter.

For context, I don't believe my mother is struggling financially. She and her husband are comfortably retired, travel internationally frequently, and enjoy a lifestyle that includes a large home, expensive cars and country club memberships.

I've spent years in therapy learning that I can't control my mother's behavior, but I still struggle to understand it. Her generosity sometimes feels less like kindness and more like a way to create obligation, control the narrative or make herself look magnanimous at someone else's expense.

How do you graciously accept a gift when it seems to come with emotional strings attached? And is there an appropriate way to address this behavior without turning every birthday and holiday into a confrontation? -- Puzzled by the Presents

Dear Puzzled: A gift is supposed to come with a bow, not a bill of emotional obligations.

Your mother may enjoy being seen as the generous one, but generosity loses its shine when it is followed by guilt, criticism or a public accounting of what she has done for everyone.

You don't have to figure out why she does it. You only have to decide what you will accept. The next time she starts negotiating after choosing an expensive gift, simply tell her to choose something she feels comfortable giving.

And if her gifts continue to come with strings attached, you are allowed to politely decline them. Gratitude is important, but so are boundaries.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.