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Hoping To Heal a Hurting Family

Annie Lane on

Dear Annie: I've been married for 35 years and have four children and seven grandchildren. We are a blended family. All the children lived with, and were raised by, my husband and me.

One of my daughters was always kind of a black sheep, always doing things outside the box. As a young child, teen and adult, she always did it differently. So much so that, as she got older, it actually started to hurt our family and the other children. She moved out in her early 20s, and I thought things would get better, but they just got worse.

Then she came and told us she was pregnant and getting married. Of course, being a mom, I wanted to help her. She was young and not yet financially stable. Fast-forward one year, and she moved back in our home with her husband and our grandchild.

I see now that was a big mistake. My husband and I are now living in a one-bedroom apartment; we had to sell our home because they basically stole it from us. I feel like a fool. How could this have happened?! The last thing she said to us was, "You're dead to me, and I will never speak to either of you again."

How she feels she is in the right boggles my mind. We tried very hard with her. This was really the last straw, and for the sake of the rest of my children and grandchildren, we had to cut her out. This was after she had already cut all of us out -- in person and on all social media accounts.

I feel guilt over all of this -- guilt that I hurt my family, guilt that I wasn't a good mother. I have done so much for her, but it was never enough. Annie, what do I do? I want to heal the rest of my family. There is so much hurt after what she has done, and nothing will ever be the same. -- Looking for a Solution

 

Dear Looking for a Solution: Thirty-five years of family-building, and you end up with a door slammed in your face. The fact that you're carrying guilt only means you're a caring mother.

What happened to your home may not just be a betrayal. If you signed documents you didn't fully understand, or if anything was forged, that's potentially fraud. An attorney can tell you quickly whether there's any legal recourse.

As for healing the rest of your family -- they watched this happen, too. They don't need you to have answers yet. But they do need to see you stop punishing yourself for someone else's choices. The guilt may feel real, but it's misdirected. A good therapist can help you untangle what needs grieving and what needs releasing.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.


 

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