ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My husband and I raised our grandson from the time he was a baby. He is now 19, and until recently, we were very close.

When he first introduced us to his girlfriend, I thought she seemed nice enough. But now she is constantly by his side. Whenever I try to talk to him privately, offer advice or help him with something, she appears and takes over the conversation. It feels as though I can no longer have a moment alone with the young man we raised.

He is also facing a court matter, and I have texted him several times with the names and phone numbers of lawyers who might be able to help. He rarely responds. I worry that his girlfriend is discouraging him from speaking with us or convincing him that he no longer needs our support.

I realize that he is 19 and wants to be independent. I also understand that a serious girlfriend may become the center of his world at this age. Still, it hurts to feel pushed aside after my husband and I devoted so much of our lives to raising him.

Should I confront him about his girlfriend, or would that only drive him farther away? How can I remind him that we love him and are here to help without making him feel controlled? -- Grandma on the Outside

Dear Grandma: Your grandson is 19 and in love. Young love is often all consuming. It can be painful to watch someone you love make choices that seem unwise, especially when you fear they may be headed toward heartache. But part of growing up is learning through experience.

His girlfriend sounds controlling and may even have narcissistic traits. But tread carefully. If you attack her, he will likely rush to defend her, and you may end up farther away from him than you are now.

Tell him you love him. Tell him you are worried about the court situation. Offer your help once, clearly and calmly. Then give him some breathing room.

Try inviting him to lunch or for a drive, just the two of you. Don't lecture him on how you really feel about his relationship. Don't throw any criticism toward him. He doesn't need to experience a cross-examination worthy of the courtroom he is already facing.

You and your husband raised him. That bond does not disappear because he is wrapped up in a girlfriend. Keep the door open, keep your words gentle and let him know he can always come home to you. If he knows he can turn to you without fear of judgment, he will be far more likely to reach out when he needs support.

Sometimes the best way to hold on is to loosen your grip.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.