ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our 70s, and although our adult children live nearby, they rarely visit us. It is always considered "more convenient" for us to go to them.

For years, I decorated our home from top to bottom for Christmas. I loved the tree, the lights and the feeling that I was creating something special for our family. But now I find myself wondering why I bother.

On Christmas Eve, we may see one of our children's families for three hours. Half the time, the adults fall asleep on the couch. Then they are well rested and ready to celebrate with the other in-laws on Christmas Day, while my husband and I are left alone.

Our other child sometimes invites us over on Christmas Day, but by 5 p.m., everyone is in pajamas, the grandchildren are on their iPads and there is barely any food. It does not feel like a celebration. It feels like any other evening.

I have offered to host everyone, but our house is supposedly "too small." It also seems unthinkable that the other grandparents might have to adjust their plans for once. Heaven forbid we upset the family apple cart.

Last year, my husband received a generous, thoughtful gift. I received an inexpensive last-minute item they picked up so I would have something to open. They told me my "real gift" had been ordered, but it never arrived.

I do so much for my children and grandchildren, yet I often feel dismissed and unappreciated. I tolerate it because I love my grandchildren and want to be part of their lives.

Decorating used to bring me joy. Now, looking at the tree only reminds me how lonely the holidays have become. Should I bother decorating this year when it no longer makes me happy? -- Christmas Spirit Running Low

Dear Running Low: Stop decorating for an audience that is not coming.

Put up what you like: a small tree, a wreath, a bowl of ornaments or nothing at all. Christmas is not a performance, and you are not the unpaid stage crew.

But your children may not understand how hurt you feel unless you tell them. Just tell them, plainly and truthfully, that you both miss being included, and you would like the holidays to feel more balanced.

You cannot force gratitude. But you can stop exhausting yourself while waiting for it.

Decorate for yourself, not for people who nap through Christmas. Try to focus on what you are grateful for in them and you will be surprised how they might be more appreciating. What we appreciate appreciates.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.