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Dear Annie: I am not someone who talks easily. Most of the time, I respond when spoken to, but otherwise I keep to myself.

I grew up in a home where silence was a weapon. When my mother was angry with my father, she would stop speaking to him. Sometimes it lasted for days. Sometimes, believe it or not, it lasted for years. Somehow, they are still together, though now it seems less like love and more like old age, habit and their shared dependence on each other.

When I was 22 and in the military, I met my first wife. We had a child, and at first, life seemed manageable. But when we argued, she could become cruel. She would say the meanest things she could think of, especially when she was drinking. When I tried to talk and she would not calm down, I shut down. It felt like the only way to protect myself.

But shutting down did not solve anything. Over time, things got worse. Her drinking increased, then drugs entered the picture. Our home became chaotic. During one deployment, I realized things had spiraled even further. There were people in our house, and eventually, cheating. She also became physical with me. More than once, I was the one removed from the house, even though I was the one with marks on my body.

After seven years, I filed for divorce and got custody of our son. He is now 24 and doing well. My ex and I have since buried the hatchet, and she has apologized.

A few years after that divorce, I met my current wife. She was 18, and I was 27. We loved each other and quickly had three children. She was nothing like my ex, but I brought my old habits with me. When things got hard, I shut down. I failed in ways that matter deeply: I was not always present, I did not listen well, I did not help enough around the house, and I lacked patience with our children at times.

My wife would say she is not perfect either, but after 18 years together, she is perfect to me.

Now our children are mostly grown, and the distractions of raising them no longer hide the cracks in our marriage. My wife has told me she cannot keep living this way. We have talked about my need to change, and I have tried before, but it never lasted.

For years, I avoided therapy because I thought going meant there was something broken in me. My ex used to call me weak and worse, and part of me believed that if I got help, she would be proven right. I was also afraid my wife would see me as damaged and leave.

Now I have finally called and scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I know this will not be fixed in a week or two. It may take months or even years. My wife has asked for space, so I will be moving into the front room for now. We are also preparing to talk to our children about what is happening.

I love my wife. I want to change. But I am terrified that I will do the work, become better for her and our family, and she may still choose divorce.

Is it possible to truly change with help and still have a chance at saving my marriage? -- Trying to Learn How to Talk

Dear Trying: Yes, change is possible. But the change has to be for more than saving your marriage. It has to be because you are finally ready to stop letting silence run your life.

Therapy does not mean you are broken. It means you are brave enough to stop handing your past the steering wheel. Your ex's cruel words were not a diagnosis. They were weapons.

Your wife may or may not stay. That is the painful truth. But becoming a better listener, father, husband and person will never be wasted work. Give her the space she asked for. Continue your growth through attending therapy. Try to make small changes every day in the direction of taking care of yourself.

Show up. Listen. Help without being asked. Speak before you shut down. Apologize without defending yourself.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stay and try to work it out when it is difficult.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.