ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for over 20 years. When we met, we had both already lost our parents. During all our time together, my husband's younger brother has spent Christmas at our home -- even after we got married and he got married, after we moved out of state and had children (now 17 and 20), and after he and his wife had their child (10 years old).

A few years ago, they decided to stay at an Airbnb for Christmas for several reasons, including visiting other family and friends in our mutual hometown. However, they spend a portion of every day of their stay, which can range from five to seven days, with us, and of course, they spend all of Christmas Day, including Christmas morning, at our home. They don't even ask; they simply inform us what days they're getting in and leaving.

In the very early years, when my brother-in-law was single, and even when he was first married, we were happy about this. Their bohemian, unconventional lifestyle was kind of charming, and it felt the way having younger siblings does. But now we're all in our late 40s, and I'm over it. I'm very resentful that I do so much to enjoy my favorite holiday and I'm forced to share it with people we're no longer as close with and who contribute absolutely nothing to the celebration.

I know my husband loves his brother, but it's funny that most years, my children and I seem to spend far more time with them while they're here than he does. I feel trapped, and I don't know how to get out of this. I don't want to damage their relationship, but I don't want to feel this way about Christmas for the rest of my life.

I'd hoped that eventually they would want to stay back to give my nephew Christmas in his own home, but they don't even get a tree or do anything. They wait till they're here and share our Christmas. They're not financially challenged, nor do they have any legitimate reason why they need us to host the holiday for them.

Am I wrong? If not, I need your help. -- Desperately Seeking a Solo Family Christmas

Dear Desperately Seeking: What started as a fun tradition has quietly turned into an expectation, and you're not wrong for wanting Christmas to feel like your own again.

The key here is your husband. This is his brother, and the conversation needs to start with him. Don't frame it as feeling "trapped," but as wanting more space for your own family traditions and a little peace during your favorite holiday.

You don't have to ban the in-laws entirely. Maybe you celebrate together every other year, or maybe the gathering shifts to Christmas Eve dinner instead of Christmas morning -- without a week of constant drop-ins. After two decades, it's OK to say a tradition has run its course and explore something new. Just remember: Your family can't respond to feelings you never express.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.