ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My sister-in-law has turned every family gathering into a courtroom, and somehow I am always the defendant.

For years, I have hosted holidays, birthdays and Sunday dinners because I genuinely love having family together. I cook, clean, set the table and try to make everyone feel welcome. But my sister-in-law has a habit of correcting me in front of everyone.

If the turkey is dry, she announces it. If I forget someone's favorite side dish, she sighs dramatically. If my children are noisy, she says, "Well, in our house, we had rules." If I buy a dessert instead of making one, she says, "Oh, I didn't realize we were doing store-bought this year."

The worst part is that she says all of this with a smile, so if I object, I look oversensitive. My husband tells me to ignore her because "that's just how she is." But I am tired of swallowing insults along with my own mashed potatoes.

At our last family dinner, she arrived late, brought nothing, criticized the meal and then posted a photo online calling it "a nice little attempt at Thanksgiving." Everyone laughed except me.

I am considering telling my husband that I am done hosting if he will not back me up. I don't want to divide the family, but I also don't want to keep inviting someone into my home who treats me like hired help with a defective gravy boat.

How do I handle a relative who hides rudeness behind humor, and a husband who thinks silence is the same as keeping the peace? -- Roasted Before Dessert

Dear Roasted: Your sister-in-law is not "just joking." She is serving insults with a garnish of smiles.

Your husband needs to understand that keeping the peace should not mean using you as the family doormat. Tell him plainly, "I am happy to host when I am treated with respect. If you want your sister here, I need you to back me up."

The next time she critiques your dinner, smile and say, "How kind of you to notice. You're welcome to host next year." Then pass the potatoes and let the silence do the heavy lifting.

Dear Annie: I have a friend who has always been a little competitive, but lately it has become exhausting. Every time I share good news about my child, she immediately brings up something her child has done better. If my son scores a goal, her son scored two. If my daughter gets an award, her daughter got one last year and "didn't even have to try."

At first, I laughed it off. But now I find myself not wanting to share anything at all. I don't want to compete with her, and I certainly don't want our children to feel like they are in some imaginary race. I miss the days when we could simply be happy for each other.

How do I stay friends with someone who seems unable to celebrate anyone's success but her own family's? -- Tired of the Trophy Talk

Dear Tired: A real friend claps when your child shines; she does not turn every moment into a scoreboard. Keep sharing less with her, cheer loudly for your own child and remember that her need to compete says far more about her insecurity than your child's success.

========

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.