Partner's 8-Year-Old Rules The Roost
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my significant other for five years and have helped raise his daughter, "Maeve," since she was a toddler. She is now 8, and her behavior -- and his enabling -- are pushing me to my breaking point. Maeve demands her father do everything for her, including bathing and dressing her, and he complies. She runs around the house in her underwear, which he excuses by saying she is "little enough."
Maeve's need to be the center of attention extends to everyone; she constantly interrupts adult conversations, and if her father and I are hugging or sitting together, she physically throws herself between us. Furthermore, she throws two-hour tantrums to sleep in our primary bedroom, forcing me to sleep in another room.
He constantly caves to her demands, scolding her but immediately giving her exactly what she wants. Because I maintain boundaries, she behaves well for me and my older children when her dad isn't around. With him, however, she believes she gets to dictate his actions, bossing him around endlessly and screaming "NO!" right in his face.
My nerves are shot, and I frequently have to escape outside just to avoid the daily screaming. Am I wrong for feeling Maeve's father is failing her by not teaching her basic independence and discipline? Am I the bad guy here? -- DREADING COMING HOME
DEAR DREADING: You are not the bad guy -- not even close. The fact that Maeve treats you with respect when her dad isn't around shows that she knows how she's supposed to behave. I commend you for that, because it sounds like you're the only one teaching this little girl any manners.
Sit down with your S.O. and calmly tell him how Maeve's tantrums and manipulative behavior make you feel. Highlight the incidents when you were forced out of your own bed, and describe your hesitation to enter your own home. It is not OK or normal for an 8-year-old to terrorize a parent figure in those ways.
Because this has gone on so long and Dad still hasn't learned how to discipline his child, it's time to consult a licensed family therapist to address these problems. If your S.O. refuses, you can still benefit by going alone. In the end, you must decide whether you consider Maeve's behavior a deal-breaker in terms of your relationship with her dad.
DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a shower and wedding for a great niece I adore. Would it be appropriate to give her some of my treasured serving pieces as a shower gift? They are much nicer than anything I can now afford to buy her. I am elderly and on a pretty tight budget. -- HAPPY FOR HER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HAPPY: You have nothing to worry about. To give your great niece your fine heirloom items would be a lovely and meaningful gesture, especially if you include a card with them explaining their significance and wishing her as much success when she uses them as they have given you.
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