Bad Manners Have Spread Throughout Large Family
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired and happy. Each of us was married before. We're not rich, but we get by without help from anyone. We have been blessed with a big family. Between us, we have six children, 15 grandchildren and a great grandchild. This does not include the in-laws, because quite a few of these offspring are now married.
I am bothered by the sense of entitlement that seems to run rampant in this group. We never receive a "thank you" for anything we do for some of them, whether it's a birthday, graduation, shower gift, wedding, or an acknowledgement for a funeral. Most of them are old enough to have better manners than that, but it doesn't seem to matter.
I have bitten my tongue on more than one occasion. When we tried to stop sending gifts, we were called out on it by the two worst offenders. We don't want to give because "we have to." We want to give because we WANT to. And while we may want to give, we don't want to feel underappreciated either. Any advice? -- UNAPPRECIATED IN INDIANA
DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: Just this. Feel free to unburden yourselves to the worst offenders. Tell them in plain English that when a gift goes unacknowledged, it makes the giver feel the gesture is unappreciated, and you don't like feeling that way. Make it clear that if they cannot summon up the energy to practice basic good manners, you will find another way to spend your money. I cannot make your relatives change, but if you do this, you may be able to wake them up.
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20-plus years received a Facebook message from an old high school girlfriend. The message was wildly inappropriate (extremely risque) and ended with her offering to fly out and "meet up" if he ever wanted to. When my husband saw the message, he read it to me and to his best friend, who happened to be in town visiting. Those two guys were laughing so hard they were crying. They thought it was the funniest thing ever, while I was thinking she has a lot of nerve.
My husband wrote back and declined her proposition. But later that night, I was doing some internet sleuthing. (Who wouldn't?) Abby, she is a marriage counselor! Her message went from being a former flame's cliche message to repulsive on so many levels. She of all people should know better. I'm itching to give her a piece of my mind. What do you think? -- PERPLEXED IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR PERPLEXED: IF you really feel inclined to contact your husband's old girlfriend, choose your words carefully. Tell her that when your husband received her message, he read it to you and his best friend, who happened to be in town visiting, and although the two of them were howling with laughter, you didn't find it funny. Then close by saying you are disappointed that someone who is in a helping profession would stoop that low. (Mic drop.)
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Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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