Husband Keeps Explicit Media From Previous Relationships
DEAR ABBY: A year ago, when I discovered my husband's porn videos and naked pictures of his ex-girlfriends, he assured me he would delete them. It has been a year, and he still hasn't done it. When I mention it, he claims he doesn't look at them and doesn't have time to delete them. I ask him to be honest with me about if he intends to keep them, but he insists he "will" delete them. It makes me believe he has an emotional attachment to these women. How should I continue to deal with this issue? -- HE'S GOT A WIFE NOW
DEAR WIFE: Your husband may be less emotionally attached to the ex-girlfriends than titillated by their pictures. From what you have written, your husband isn't being completely honest with you. And THAT is the issue you should be dealing with, with the help of a licensed counselor, because solid marriages are based on trust, and there can't be trust without honesty.
DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old daughter is dating a 28-year-old divorced man who has two kids. Her father is very upset about it and refuses to meet him. The reason is the children. We both think they will be a burden to our daughter and she will eventually have problems with his ex-wife. How can we tell her we don't accept him without pushing her away or making her break up with him? She doesn't live with us. -- SAD IN FLORIDA
DEAR SAD: At 24, your daughter is an adult. At this point, she should have achieved enough independence to decide -- without coercion -- with whom she wants to be romantically involved.
I do not advise refusing to meet the man she cares about because it may be counterproductive. Children from prior relationships do not necessarily cause problems, and not all ex-spouses fly around on brooms causing trouble. You and your husband should make an effort to get to know him and, if you see red flags afterward, point them out then.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a front desk clerk at a hotel where a regular guest has stayed for years. We have become acquainted as we're both retired teachers and each have written books. When she told me she could no longer afford to stay at the hotel, I offered her my spare bedroom to use on occasion, and she calls at least once a month to stay here.
My husband is over it. The whole evening revolves around this woman. Since I have gotten to know her better, I have realized she's very self-centered. She barely thanks us for her stay, although we include her in our dinner plans and she eats breakfast here as well. I'm a softy and I have used various excuses to stop this. Any suggestions for me, a coward, to call a halt to her inviting herself to my house for the night? -- SOFTY IN THE SOUTH
DEAR SOFTY: Yes. Quit making excuses and tell her almost all of the truth, which is that your husband is "over it" and therefore she will have to make other plans. Period.
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