ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My husband and I are retired. We each have significant (and equivalent) retirement savings. We keep our finances separate, except for periodic deposits into a joint account that covers utilities, taxes, et cetera.

We decided to remodel our ’80s kitchen. The process has caused some huge arguments.

My husband is a cheapskate. He picks at every single estimate and rails away at the "outrageous prices.” He slashes aspects of the remodel that are not very expensive (in my opinion), or else tries to convince me that we could do a lot of the work ourselves.

Yesterday he declared that we don't need two additional electrical outlets under the counters ($50) because "we probably wouldn't use them very often,” and "what's wrong with an extension cord?"

But if it's his idea, every penny is worth spending. For example, he went on and on about why we must have marble as the finish on the center island, even though it would be $5,000.

I am so tired of trying to justify my requests (while accommodating his) that I could scream. We can afford all of it. I've tried to have discussions using humor, anger, disappointment, the silent treatment, charts and graphs. I have just about had it with the constant criticism about things that I think would be tasteful inclusions in our new kitchen. Can you help me find an approach that will get us to reasonable compromises?

– Too Many Cooks in This Kitchen

Dear Cooks: It seems you’ve both become accustomed to operating independently when it comes to your finances (which is not a problem; many couples have separate accounts). So, it’s no surprise that this group project is creating friction.

Your husband seems to have declared himself the last word on things, which is a problem when talking about shared funds and shared spaces.

It may be helpful for you both to retreat to your separate camps. Come up with a modified budget with a combined pool of shared funds for things about which you can both agree, and discretionary funds for things that one person wants and the other person isn’t so keen on.

If he wants marble countertops, they can come out of his budget. If you want outlets, they can come out of yours. And then agree that neither gets to complain about the cost of things for which they’re not paying.

Now, the caveat: this does risk creating a Frankenstein’d kitchen. But it doesn’t sound like you’re clashing over aesthetics, so much as finances. You both may be happier forgoing making requests of each other or justifying your choices and instead contributing separately to your shared project.

Dear Eric: I am in my late 70s and need cataract surgery. One of my best friends is my ophthalmologist. He is almost 80. He operated on my left eye some 10 years ago and did a great job. Now, I worry that at nearing 80 his hands might not be that steady.

I have hinted that he should retire, but he says he's not ready to retire.

We have been friends for many years and I value his friendship. I know that if I share my concern with him, it will end our friendship.

My wife says that he operates on other patients and they turn out fine. But we don't know that. He only has three reviews on Yelp, and I wonder about them. Please, advise.

– Worried Friend

Dear Friend: While there’s no way to guarantee a result in any medical procedure, your friend’s age doesn’t necessarily have a direct correlation to his skill level. So, what you’re grappling with is anxiety – a natural occurrence, particularly around surgeries.

You should endeavor to feel as comfortable with your medical care as possible, friendship notwithstanding. It’s your body; you can be as cautious as you want.

Even though your anxiety can’t predict what will happen in the future, you can take steps to address it. But doing so may require a delicate conversation.

Consider telling your friend that you’re experiencing anxiety about the procedure and that you’d rather be upfront about that feeling than have it create conflict in your friendship. You may ask him to help assuage your fears or you may choose to get a second opinion and tell him that it’s not about anything that he’s done, but rather something you need to do for yourself.

You don’t need to bring up his age, because, again, that’s only part of what prompted these thoughts for you. He may very well understand. You still run the risk of bruising his professional ego, but if you keep the focus on what you need to feel comfortable rather than assessment of his skill that’s based on evidence you don’t have, you may be able to maintain your friendship.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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