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Dear Eric: Several years ago, after I had a basal cell carcinoma removed from my nose and had some reparative work done, my husband and I visited a long-time acquaintance. She looked at me and said, “oh, I guess that’s the best he could do.” Yikes.

I spoke to her (after the shock wore off) and she refused to apologize and even asked me how I got my husband to marry me. What would you have said in reply?

-- Shocked Friend

Dear Shocked: Sometimes the best reply is no reply at all, because this person was being cruel and, when you pointed the unkindness out, she doubled down. So, in my book, that means they’re not interested in or capable of having a productive or kind conversation at the moment. It might have been a passing mood, for which she could make amends for later, or it might have been some other issue. Or it might have been basic unkindness. Whatever the reason, it wouldn’t have served you to continue to engage with her.

Sometimes we need to protect ourselves by removing ourselves from conversations. I write a lot in this column about communication, and I believe that when we communicate with each other and extend grace to each other, we can solve a lot of problems. But that doesn’t mean we always have to stay in the room if grace is not on offer and communication is being replaced by cruelty.

Dear Eric: My question is not headline news, rather about courtesy and manners. More often than one would expect when my wife and I eat out at a better restaurant, the waiter will get the order slightly wrong. It could be a drink or a slight variant of the dish.

When the error is discovered, the waiter will say “that drink or dish is on me “ then when the bill comes, we are charged. Sometimes they bring an unordered dessert that we get charged for, too.

Usually, I am too timid to bring it up and pay the entire bill with tip. I think I probably should be more assertive, but I try to avoid uncomfortable situations. What is your call?

– Overly Courteous

Dear Courteous: It may put your mind at ease to reframe these situations as conversations instead of conflicts. The server wants to bring you what you ordered – it’s their job and good servers want to provide good service. So, they would rather you alert them that something didn’t go quite as planned than for you to have a bad experience.

Similarly, if the server has forgotten to move an item off of the check, it won’t reflect poorly on you to bring it to their attention and ask them to fix it. Most point-of-service systems make this relatively easy.

So, do consider being more assertive when these things happen. You may find that getting in the habit of letting a server know when you’ve been charged incorrectly takes the bite out of it and your anxiety about it will go away. You’re not chastising the server or even complaining. You’re simply pointing out a small change that needs to be made.

You might also consider heading this issue off at the pass by declining the free dish or drink and just asking for the item that you ordered. Again, this isn’t complaining. It may be helpful to remember that drinks and dishes get remade all of the time. If it’s not what you ordered, you don’t have to eat it or drink it.

Dear Eric: I’d like to add to your response to the letter from “Second Act” who was considering a career change.

I changed careers in my early 40s after spending two decades as an account executive in media sales. In researching my next step, I enlisted the help of a life/career coach. Her suggestion was to interview people in the profession I wanted to enter; with questions about experiences in the broad context of their work life. In my case, this was contacting mental health professionals. These interviews were a vital part of my transition to clinical social work through a graduate degree. I happily spent more than 25 years as a mental health clinician.

As a midlife career changer, we take some of the skills we learn in our first career with us to the second. All experience matters.

– Happy Second Act

Dear Second Act: Thanks for writing! Enlisting the services of a career counselor can be a gamechanger. These professionals are trained to help clients work through the logistical, professional, and emotional challenges of a career change (and many other work hurdles).

Additionally, it’s very wise to talk to others in the field one is considering entering. Their experiences and connections can help lay the groundwork for a successful transition.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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