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Dear Eric: My spouse and I are in our late 60s. Our two kids are in their late 30s. Two years ago our oldest moved more than 2,100 miles away with our two grandkids. They had been talking about it for a while.

Then, out of the blue, our youngest child moved more than 800 miles away six months later.

We don’t have much family near us. We are retired and have a second home in the same state as our oldest is living in and our youngest fiancé’s family lives there, too.

We are thinking about moving permanently to be closer to our oldest and grandchildren. We would even see our younger child more. I have heard you shouldn’t follow your kids. We miss them all so much and aren’t getting any younger. Your thoughts? Is this a big mistake?

– Sad Parents

Dear Parents: It doesn’t seem like a mistake at all. Indeed, because you already have a home there, it seems like a very graceful solution.

The advice about not following your kids is often about not abandoning your life and support systems and assuming your kids will fill in the gaps. It requires a little more nuance. All of it boils down to clear communication and clear expectations.

It’s natural to want to be with family and when your situation changes or your priorities change, it’s natural to want to respond to that change. So, talk to your kids about what you’re thinking about doing. Think through what your life would look like if you spent all your time in your second home. What kind of expectations would you have about spending time with your kids and their families? Talk through those with your kids to see if their expectations match up with yours.

A family is an ecosystem. When one aspect of that ecosystem changes, it affects everything else. You’re free to move wherever you want to move, but it’s important to do so with clear eyes about how your life will be different. It’ll also help to think about what you can do to fill out your schedule and your support system, should you choose to move permanently. It’s good to talk about this with your kids, as well, so that they don’t assume you’ll be babysitting 24/7 or they don’t assume they’ll have to entertain you all of the time.

Dear Eric: Father's Day has always been important to me. I'm almost 70 years old and I'm very fortunate that my father is still living. I have a lot of respect for my father, and he has been a role model in my life. My wife and most of my friends have already lost both parents so I don't take this holiday for granted.

We always get together with my father on Father's Day or take him out for dinner the night before. We also give him a card and a small gift which he appreciates. We have been very generous with our children, both financially and with our time. We have a good relationship with both of them and our daughters-in-law.

Our two sons, who are also fathers, celebrate with their own families but don't seem to recognize its importance to me. One lives several hours away and the other lives out of state, so I don't expect a personal visit. I will receive a gift from them, but it's always after the actual holiday and they never send a card.

Similarly, they also do this to my wife on Mother's Day. This year, neither of them took the time to call me and I was very hurt by this. The next time they call and ask me if I had a good Father's Day, I plan to tell them this. Am I being overly sensitive or should I just lower my expectations and let it go?

– Confused Dad

Dear Dad: You’re not being overly sensitive and it’s so important to communicate with our loved ones about how we like to be shown love. You may not want to wait until they call and ask. Instead, consider reaching out and telling them that Father’s Day (and any other special day) means a lot to you and when they call it reminds you that you’re valued. Explain to them what’s happening on your side of the street when you don’t get calls. Ask them to try to make it a priority to reach out in the future.

Sometimes those we love don’t do all the things we wish they would. And it’s easy to read those slights as a lack of care. When that happens, it’s helpful to talk it out. You may find that they don’t realize how important the day is for you and don’t understand what they’re conveying by not picking up the phone.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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