Asking Eric: Widowed aunt makes huge demands on family
Dear Eric: How can I lovingly set boundaries with an aging, widowed and childless aunt who is seeking more connection but whose long-standing self-centered behavior – dominating conversations, disregarding others’ needs, and making unrealistic emotional demands – has exhausted much of the extended family?
In the last decade I’ve been her main support from the family, especially during her husband’s long illness, after his death and during her more recent serious health issues. She’s sensitive, lonely and not very self-aware, yet expects frequent contact and priority attention.
She has a therapist and meets with her regularly. For any decisions in her life, she goes over them endlessly, with her therapist, with her friends, with her family members.
So far, she rejects the idea of joining a continuing care community where she might make new friends and have better support as she grows older far away from any family members. She expects a lot from her friends when she needs caregiving support; I think this has strained her existing friendships.
She’s hurt that she is not more readily integrated into family vacations, et cetera. She finds herself alone at the holidays, yet she has always expressed a lack of desire to come back to our part of the country, even when invited. Her siblings aren’t direct with her about how she has burned them out over the years. So, she’s left asking me why various members of the extended family don’t include her more.
How can I help her recognize that her long-standing behavior patterns are isolating her at the same time that she seeks deeper connection, without alienating her or causing undue hurt?
How do I guide her to make practical decisions about how to structure her life if she stays geographically far away from our family or moves closer, without ending up in endless repetitive conversations on these topics, as is her mode?
How can I guide her to be a more reciprocal family member if she wants greater integration with and invitations from any of our nuclear families going forward?
– Family Lesson
Dear Family: With respect, it sounds like you’re taking on more responsibility than you should for your aunt’s emotional intelligence. It’s not your job to teach her how to be in a relationship with other people and, in fact, these efforts may be disempowering her. There could be other things going on for her emotionally or mentally that create these feedback loops she gets stuck in. You can be an outstretched hand that she can follow out of the loop, but she has to take the steps.
To that end, be upfront with her about what you’re experiencing and what, specifically, you’d like to change. For instance, you might say, “I want to be helpful as you think about a potential move, but I don’t have the capacity to keep discussing it. When you make a decision, let’s talk about what ways I can support you.”
Or, with regard to other family members’ distance, you might tell her, “Personally, I don’t think they’re being direct, so you should ask them about it directly. But putting me in the middle is complicating our relationship.”
These kinds of boundaries may be hard for her to accept or understand initially, but they’ll be healthier for both of you.
Dear Eric: Recently, my son moved into his new home. His girlfriend called her friends a few times to help. They never answered her calls. Who doesn't keep their cellphones near them? Apparently, they didn't want to help. I helped them move in that day. My wife and I helped a few days earlier.
A few weeks prior, my son and his girlfriend helped the same friends move into their new home. Why are people like this?
– Moving Day
Dear Moving: Short answer? Selfishness. A lot of people don’t like to move, which is why it’s become a kind of litmus test for friendship. (There’s that cheeky adage, “a friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a body.”) It’s no small thing to ask someone to help you carry a couch up a few flights of stairs. It’s nice when friends can do it, but it’s not a requirement of every friendship. Sometimes friends aren't physically able, or don’t have the time, or simply would rather help in another way. And that’s fine. What’s important is that they tell you what they can or can’t do in advance and live up to their word. And, unfortunately, your son’s girlfriend’s friends failed at that second part. Here’s a less catchy but still true adage: a friend will help you move; a good friend communicates clearly. This may be one of those things your son and his girlfriend need to learn through trial and error. Here’s hoping they make better friends.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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