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Dear Eric: My sister has become someone I don't know.

After her divorce, she became erratic, taking her anger out on everyone around her and making rash decisions we all were forced to resolve for her. Our mother, who always coddled her, insisted on family support for her and put aside any criticism of anything she did.

She'd fly off the handle if I wouldn't agree to spy on her ex, or his new fiancée, or to dangerous schemes, like faking a heart attack and asking me to care for her kids.

She'd make passive-aggressive comments about me to other relatives if I shared any happy news in my life ("Yeah, she's the Golden Child."). When I asked her to stop, she'd call me "sensitive".

I won a major career award and invited my sister to the ceremony. She managed to undermine my confidence hours before the event by commenting about my looks.

About five years ago, our mother's health began failing, and my sister said she'd go home to check on her. Instead of seeing to my mom's needs and formulating a plan with me to care for her health, she impulsively moved back to our hometown without a job or an apartment. I feel like I’m trapped by her decisions now. Is it possible to set a boundary or do I have to let it go?

– Trapped Sister

Dear Sister: For your mother’s safety and well-being, it’s important to set a boundary. When it comes to caregiving, you may find that you’ll need to be more stringent, which might cause conflict between you and your sister. This isn’t a time for impulsive decision-making, however. And if she’s unwilling or unable to be collaborative, she’s not putting your mother first. It’s OK to say that.

As you go through this process, however, you’ll want to work hard to separate her feelings about her actions and her change in personality, from the task at hand. This is, obviously, easier said than done. There are things between the two of you that you need to resolve, but that task has to be unbraided from the task of caring for your mother. It sounds like your sister is experiencing a crisis and could benefit from therapeutic support. It also sounds like she pushes your buttons. It’s fine to tell her that you aren’t open to comments or to coach yourself before every interaction, reminding yourself that you won’t engage with certain aspects of these interactions.

Dear Eric: I strongly dislike tattoos, as does everyone in my immediate family. I can't fathom why anybody would want to ruin their skin and risk infections. I was hoping this fad would die and fade away like indoor smoking in a restaurant.

I can hardly bear to eat out anymore at just the sickening thought that someone with tattoos would be cooking, preparing or serving the food and taking out all the enjoyment for me. I know it's a personal choice, but why would anyone be proud to show them off like a really ugly piece of art on an ugly or aging body? Beats me. I don’t know what to do about this.

– Ink Free

Dear Ink: I think you know this already, but other people’s tattoos have absolutely no impact on your life whatsoever. It seems you’re creating a conflict where there needn’t be one and robbing yourself of joy. Ask yourself seriously, in what way does a person having a, say, butterfly tattoo on their shoulder impact the food that you eat? I think you’ll be so much happier if you actively remind yourself that you’re going to live and let live.

Dear Eric: As an occupational therapist, I had to respond to the letter from “Struggling Husband”, whose wife broke her pelvis. He wrote that he has to carry her up and down the stairs to use the bathroom.

Can Struggling Husband set up a first-floor bedroom or “bring the bathroom upstairs” with a commode chair?

Many people have turned a living room or office into a temporary bedroom to avoid stairs while healing. It is also possible to use a 3-in-1 commode chair at the bedside for toileting and bed/sponge baths for bathing.

Ask the doctor for a home OT/PT referral ASAP. She should qualify for home health.

The husband, as the caregiver, needs to take care of himself, make modifications and adaptations to the environment so he doesn’t end up the next patient!

– Reader

Dear Reader: These are great suggestions. And they raise an important point. Making these modifications not only has the potential to improve the wife’s quality of life while she recovers, but they also reduce the risk of injury to the husband or the risk to both of them, should they fall on the stairs.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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