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Dear Eric: We are a group of friends who for many years have been going out to dinner once a month. We are in our 60s to 80s, men and women.

Once we are seated there is this one woman who never fails to take out a tissue and blow her nose but not only blow her nose she will insert the tissue into her nostrils. This is a disgusting habit she has, and you can clock that she is going to do this.

I have given her hand sanitizer after she does this and she will take it but after all of these years hasn't gotten the hint. I am not the only one who is disgusted by this practice. If she has to blow her nose I think she should leave the table and go to the restroom. I am at my wits end because I do not know how to handle this.

Any ideas you might have to resolve this situation would be most helpful.

– No Blows

Dear No Blows: Hints aren’t working on her; it’s time to be direct. You can do this without being rude or causing a scene, if you want. Try telling her, “I’ve noticed that you blow your nose at the table when we eat out. I feel uncomfortable about this habit because it seems unsanitary. Would you mind doing it elsewhere?”

You can revise to be more succinct and more direct if you want. The larger objective is that you speak your mind clearly to her and make it plain that you’re asking her to do something that will help you – and everyone else – feel more comfortable while dining together.

Dear Eric: I grew up in a house that always felt tense. My parents bickered constantly, my sister was demanding and always in a conflict with them, and my grandparents would scream at each other. As the youngest in the household, I learned to not cause any trouble and when the tensions were high, I was the mediator who tried to get everyone to calm down (starting around age 5).

I knew my husband was a little hot under the collar when I married him, but he seemed to be able to keep it in check. But once we had kids, he was blowing up all the time (but no physical abuse). I didn't want my childhood recreated, so I would go out of my way to keep things calm around the house and not upset him.

Eventually, I was ready to walk, but he responded by really reigning in his rage and working hard to keep his temper in check.

Years later, with the kids off on their own, I am still retreating anytime his voice starts to raise up or he starts to argue with me. It's not over-the-top rage, but it still throws me into apologizing and making sure I don't bring up any issues.

We went to a marriage retreat where I felt I clearly communicated to him how I felt, but he just got upset with me for "making him feel guilty." I convinced him to try one-on-one therapy, but after a couple of sessions, he said it was a waste of time because he really didn't have any issues to work on. And couples therapy just doesn't feel safe because he will most likely just yell at me later.

I am 65 years old and newly retired. The thought of starting out again on my own is frightening. If we divorce, I would never want to get into another romantic relationship. How do I decide if I should stay or leave?

– Tired of the Yelling

Dear Tired: Ask yourself if you feel that you deserve to be treated better than this. I would humbly, but emphatically, suggest that you do deserve that.

Your husband has a long history of crossing the line and then retreating back just far enough that there’s an illusion of change. He may feel guilty but you’re not making him feel that way. It’s his own moral compass and he’s not listening to it.

It seems that you’ve expressed in multiple ways how his behavior impacts you and triggers past traumatic experiences. You deserve to be heard, and you deserve someone who will work on his anger, not only for his own sake, but so that you feel safe in your own home.

I know that the idea of starting over is daunting. But the good news is you’re not the first person to consider it. Talk to your therapist about your fears and ask to be pointed toward resources that speak to your situation, be they books, support groups, or podcasts. There is some comfort to maintaining the status quo, I know. But ask yourself whether this comfort is actually comfortable.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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