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Dear Eric: My fiancé and I have been together for a little over a year. When we first got together, he was employed and seemed to have everything together. He owns his house but has people living there for free.

Then he was laid off. Now he doesn't work, gets disability of which he pays only $600 toward the $1,240 rent payment. I pay utilities, buy food and gas for my car.

Why keep him around, you say? He's a very nice, sweet, caring and attentive person, caters to all my needs, minus financially.

I do love him but I'm getting tired. Any advice as to what I should do? I am almost ready to call it quits.

– Tired of Paying

Dear Tired: Every relationship runs at its own speed, but being engaged after a year does put you in the Formula One category. This could be the source of some of the roadblocks you’re encountering.

It sounds like you have different expectations and standards around money. This is a normal thing for couples to have to work through. It’s imperative that you both communicate honestly about what you want, what you need and what you’re assuming.

You can even say, “I’d like to have a talk about money.” Talk about what’s working for you, what you’d like to change, and ask him about his perspective. You may find that your values and his values are too misaligned to continue happily. Or you may find that you both can figure out compromises and adjustments that make everyone happy.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t just about him paying more money, however. As your relationship continues, you both owe it to yourselves and to each other to keep checking in with each other and keep sharing where you’re coming from. A relationship certainly doesn’t stop growing and changing once you agree to get married. If anything, that’s when these necessary conversations go deeper. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need and don’t be afraid to challenge your relationship to be the partnership you want and deserve.

Dear Eric: I am married to a loving man who takes care of the house and the finances. He works very, very, hard and he makes a considerable amount of money. So much so that I don’t need to work.

Unfortunately, he can get nasty sometimes when he feels he is being disrespected. Recently we got into an argument, and he stood very close to me and yelled a series of profane insults at me and stuck his middle finger in my face. He then stormed off slamming doors behind him.

My husband would never hit me. He’s only done this kind of thing a couple of times before. Since it’s not technically abuse, I feel rude telling my friends. They work very hard, but do not get paid well and already they think I’m lucky.

My husband and I started going to therapy because my anxiety is getting in the way of our relationship, but any time we go there it’s difficult to steer the conversation to him. I’m worried if I bring this up it will make him angry and might make things worse. How can I bring this up to our

therapist without it making me sound like a “victim?”

– Just Not Sure

Dear Just Not Sure: This is not behavior that you should have to endure. I’d like to point out three things to you with compassion; my intention isn’t to correct or chastise you. First, verbal abuse is abuse and there is help available to you. You also write he gets nasty, so I wonder how much you’re having to tiptoe around him for fear of inciting his anger. I would also submit that perhaps your anxiety is being scapegoated, when really the issue is his anger.

Please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline by phone, text, or online ( thehotline.org/ 800-799-SAFE). Contact is confidential and doesn’t commit you to anything, but there are resources available for keeping yourself safe and getting help.

Please also consider your friends a resource. It’s not rude to talk about what’s bothering you. Your problems are valid and true friends will want to know and want to help. They can think that you’re lucky in some ways and still support you in other areas.

Lastly, please think of therapy as a space where you don’t have to cater to his anger. Talk to your couple’s therapist about having separate sessions – this is often part of an intake procedure so it’s not unusual. Your therapist can help you both get to a place where you can say what needs to be said and he can hear it. Your emotional and physical safety is paramount here.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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