Ask Amy: A woman questions sexual consent
I can't afford therapy right now, and I'm not sure if I even know how I feel in order to be able to talk about it with someone.
Can you give me some feedback?
– Confused and Concerned
Dear Confused: Because this episode is way out of the norm for you two, I’d wonder why your partner did this – and why he claims not to remember. Does he have a sleep disorder? Is he taking a drug that has affected both his behavior and memory?
If so, he obviously needs to disclose this to you.
If not, his memory is unacceptably vague.
The issue of consent between lovers can seem complicated, but your partner performing a sex act “with” you in the middle of the night is a violation – regardless of whether you verbalized lack of consent at the time.
This is your body. Asleep or half-asleep, you were not in a position to offer or refuse consent.
Because he won’t acknowledge your legitimate concern about his behavior, your partner wants to simply resume your physical relationship, but this would not resolve anything for you.
You seem to frame this as your problem to solve. It’s not. You shouldn’t need to “ask him to hold off on physical intimacy,” as if he would be doing you some kind of favor while you “get over” this episode.
...continued
