Ask Amy: Sober spouse doesn’t know when to quit
I again offered to help with inpatient rehab and a follow-up plan, but he insists he can do this on his own.
I keep reminding him that if he continues to drink, I will file for divorce.
He is just so used to me putting up with it!
I do love him but living with a drunken husband sucks the life out of me.
– Ready for Change
Dear Ready: When you’re truly ready for a change, you will make that change, instead of expecting your alcohol-addicted husband to make it for you.
I hope you will review your choices, and your reactions, with your counselor. Also, attend a “friends and family” support group, like Al-Anon (al-anon.org).
I suggest that if you remove your own need to monitor, attend to, and respond to your husband’s drinking, your husband will have one less reason to avoid treatment.
My point is that you are alternately pushing him to stop and then cushioning him when he doesn’t, and so you are absorbing some of the real consequences of his drinking, which for him might be having to face and choose treatment for his depression without you distracting him by making empty threats to leave. Your conflicted feelings are keeping both of you in place.
Did you get sober for your husband’s sake? (No, you didn’t.) Will he get sober for your sake? (It’s doubtful.) He must do this for himself.
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