My Dear Friend Now Looks Like My Attacker
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend of mine, with whom I've been friends for 50 years, has grown a full set of very long facial hair. He now has a full beard and a large mustache, all gray.
Years ago, I was assaulted by a man with exactly that gray facial hair. Even looking at pictures of my friend now traumatizes me. We live far apart, and see each other in person only once a year, but I don't know how I can face him in person, let alone have our usual hugs. I love this friend, and I certainly can't expect him to shave for me.
I've done therapy for this several times, and apparently it hasn't helped. I'm really afraid for my mental health if we get together. What can I do? How can I manage this?
GENTLE READER: You know that anyone else to whom you brought this question would send you off to therapy yet again.
Miss Manners does not do that because her more limited mandate is, rather, to help people get along peacefully, even when they supply reasons for offending others. Thus when medical exemptions are granted, they should be accompanied with apologies or other means of deflecting the cause from those likely to be hurt.
We are more flexible, these days, about adjusting things around others' particular sensitivities. Hosts now routinely inquire whether prospective guests have food restrictions. An office may ask that employees not wear perfume that bothers their colleagues.
But there are limits. Of course you cannot ask your friend to alter his appearance for your once-a-year encounters. And suppose that he did: What if his bare face reminded you (or someone else) of some other trauma?
Miss Manners thinks of a chance encounter of her own with a kind stranger. She was in New York City, carrying too many packages, which spilled over as she passed an outdoor cafe. A gentleman left his table to rush to retrieve them for her.
When she looked at his face to thank him, she saw distorted features like those in a certain Venetian sculpture -- one which the Victorian art critic John Ruskin called "inhuman and monstrous, leering in bestial degradation, too foul to be either pictured or described, or to be beheld for more than an instant." (He called it symbolic of the "evil spirit" in the Venetian Republic's decline. No, Mr. Ruskin, it is symptomatic only of a disorder called acromegaly.)
Miss Manners was only startled, not traumatized, and fortunately was able to maintain her grateful smile.
When you see your friend, can you try to intensify your empathy? Can you concentrate not on the crime you suffered, but on the cruel injustice of projecting a villain onto the face of your friend instead of seeing the real, innocent, beloved person?
Unfortunately, if you are unable to overcome your negative reaction, your friendship must be maintained by correspondence, not hugs.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the history and reason for using white table napkins?
GENTLE READER: The reason for using them is that the stains show. Which is also a reason for not using them.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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