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Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for six years, and every holiday now feels less like a celebration and more like a negotiation.

My family lives about an hour away. My parents host a big Thanksgiving and Christmas every year with my siblings, nieces, nephews and all the traditions I grew up with. My mother starts planning weeks in advance, and she takes it very personally if we are not there. She will say things like, "It just does not feel like Christmas without everyone together," which makes me feel guilty before we have even made a decision.

My husband's parents live several hours away. They are older and do not host a big crowd, but he feels strongly that we should spend more time with them while we still can. He is especially close to his father, and I know it hurts him when my family always seems to get priority simply because they live closer and make more noise about it.

We have tried everything. Splitting the day leaves us exhausted and sitting in traffic. Alternating years sounds fair, but the family we skip acts wounded. Celebrating on another weekend only brings comments that "it is not the same."

Last Christmas, we argued in the car on the way to dinner, then walked into my parents' house pretending everything was fine. That was the moment I realized the holidays are starting to damage our marriage.

I love both families, but I am tired of feeling responsible for everyone's happiness. How do we make a decision that is fair without spending every holiday disappointing someone? -- Holiday Tug-of-War

Dear Holiday Tug-of-War: Both sets of parents are reacting from love. Your mother treasures having everyone together, while your husband understandably wants precious time with his aging parents. Both of those feelings make sense.

But you and your husband cannot make everyone happy every holiday. Maybe see if you could invite your husband's parents to your parents' house. Then everyone could be together. Making people feel included and loved is the most important goal.

Dear Annie: I have been seeing a man for about four months, and I cannot tell whether I am in a relationship or just occupying space in his life.

When we are together, he is wonderful. He is affectionate, attentive and talks about things we should do months from now. He has introduced me to a few of his friends, remembers small details about my life and has even told me that he feels lucky to have met me.

Then he disappears.

Sometimes I will hear from him every day for a week, and then suddenly he will go two or three days without calling or texting. If I pull back, he seems to notice immediately and becomes very attentive again. But if I ask where this is going, he says he does not like "labels" and wants to "see what happens."

Last weekend, he invited me to a party, held my hand all night and introduced me to someone as "a friend." I laughed it off at the time, but it bothered me more than I expected.

I am not asking for a proposal. I just want to know whether I am building something with someone or waiting around for a man who likes me only when I am convenient.

How do you tell the difference between someone who is genuinely cautious and someone who is simply keeping you on the hook? -- Tired of Guessing

Dear Tired: Mixed signals are still signals.

A man can be cautious and still be clear that he wants to build something with you. After four months, it is reasonable to want more than affection one day and uncertainty the next. Not knowing is a really bad feeling.

Tell him plain and simple what you are looking for. Make sure you pay attention to what he does, not just what he says. If he continues to keep you close without giving you any clarity, believe the pattern.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.