ArcaMax

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college junior in need of advice. I share an apartment with two other female students, "Wendy" and "Lauren," who roomed together before I met them. Wendy is sweet and easygoing, but she grew up in a rural area and seems very sheltered. For example, she can't swim and thinks that eating shrimp is exotic, but she likes to clog dance and play the mandolin. She has never mentioned having a boyfriend or even dating. We are completely different, but until recently we got along well.

A few weeks ago, Wendy asked me to go with her to hear a bluegrass band at a club near campus. By 11 p.m., I was ready to leave, so she drove me to our nearby apartment and said she was going back to keep listening to the band. I woke up around 4 a.m. (long after the club had closed) and realized that Wendy hadn't come home. I was freaked out and tried to call her but discovered that she had left her cellphone at the apartment. I went looking for her (in my car) all over campus and anywhere else I thought she might be. I seriously considered calling the police.

However, when Lauren got home around 8 a.m., she said, "Oh, Wendy has done this before. She probably hooked up with some guy. I should have warned you." Then Wendy rolled in all starry-eyed about this "great guy" she had slept with, who was a stranger she knew only as "Joe."

Wendy was unapologetic about the distress she had caused me by disappearing and staying out all night. I was exhausted and furious. When she wondered out loud whether "Joe" would be calling her, I snapped, "Why would he? He's probably sober by now." However, I'm now wondering if I am the sheltered one. Am I being judgmental, and was my concern for Wendy's well-being an overreaction? -- NERVOUS IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NERVOUS: You now know that Wendy is not as unworldly as you originally thought. It is regrettable that you weren't told how well she gets along with other fans of bluegrass, but now you know. You and your roommates should consider making a pact that if you plan to stay out all night, you will inform the others, because your concern was not unfounded. She could have been in any kind of trouble. Luckily, this time she wasn't, and no, you did not overreact.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married for almost 40 years to a woman who is verbally abusive. When we went to counseling 30 years ago, she agreed to stop hitting me, which she has mostly adhered to. She still says hurtful things frequently and then laughs them off. What should a man do to leave an abusive wife? Why should I put up with abusive and demeaning behavior anymore? -- ABUSED IN TEXAS

DEAR ABUSED: You should not put up with it. Inform your wife that the verbal jabs hurt you as much as the physical blows did. Offer to return to counseling with her so she can learn to treat you with more kindness and respect. In the meantime, consult a lawyer and be prepared to part ways if she continues to believe her abuse is funny.

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