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Dear Eric: My sister suffered a catastrophic medical event and was put on life support.

When we arrived at the hospital, we were shocked to find that my 33-year-old nephew had the hospital put a “block” on my sister's chart that forbade us from seeing her unless he was there.

When he was 20 years old, he sent me an email telling me how he hated me and our entire family because we wouldn't help them financially.

My sister had filed bankruptcy two times and raised him with the help of the state welfare system. She told him that when my children were in college that she helped put them through college and I haven't lifted a finger to help them. These were lies. There are so many more lies that she told him. I thought that I had proven to him that none of what she told him was the truth.

We finally convinced him to take the restriction off so we could see my sister, and we sat vigil with her. He was there maybe 10 percent of the time. After my sister was taken off of life support, we made the decision to return home the very next day.

Eight days after my sister's death, I found out he had not made any arrangements for her cremation and he had given instructions to the staff at the hospital that they were not allowed to speak to me regarding the disposition of my sister's body, and I had to speak to him directly.

What, if anything, am I supposed to do with all this? My family wants me to kick him to the curb for how he treated me during this tragic time. I am his only relative. Do I have any responsibility to him?

– Anxious Aunt

Dear Aunt: I’m sorry for the loss of your sister and for all the trauma surrounding her death. Your nephew is hurting. Some of that is new grief and some of that hurt is poisoned fruit from a tree rooted in lies he was told. Although you’ve tried to correct the lies and to be there with him during this time of grief, he’s either not ready or not willing to let you in and you can’t make him.

It’s not clear that you have a responsibility to him or that he’s asking anything of you. It may help you to write a letter to him. Settling old scores or correcting the record won’t do you much good. Rather, in your letter you can say that you know he is hurting, that you’re hurting, too, and if he ever wishes to have a relationship, you’re open to a conversation. You can leave it at that.

Dear Eric: My dad is in his mid-80s but based on family history and current health he could easily be around for another 10 years or so. Mom is still in good shape, too. They live within walking distance to us.

He's always been on the controlling side, still is with my mom, and even some instances with me when I was well into my 40s. There were instances of physical abuse. My siblings, our friends, and I feared him when he got angry.

I have been recounting some of these childhood instances with my spouse and when it spills out, I get so angry at my dad, never directly to my dad. It just bubbles up and I get over it. He was always a good grandfather to our kids and they love him.

Overall, we have a very cordial/friendly/loving relationship with him and my mom, but I worry that will change if my mom predeceases him and we find the roles reversed and I have power over him. Not sure what to do.

– Left with Dad

Dear Left with Dad: I’m sorry you experienced this abuse; it’s not right and it shouldn’t have happened. The anger is a message, and you should listen to it. While neither you nor your father can undo what’s been done, you have the opportunity to process it, first with yourself and then with him. This may bring up strong, new emotions and that may be hard. But the alternative is that these feelings continue to sit inside you and cause you problems or cause you to act out of character.

A therapist can help you process what happened and create a safe space to bring these feelings up to your father. Additionally, you might consider a support group for adults who have experienced childhood abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) is one resource that can point you toward local support providers.

You didn’t have the relationship you wanted to have, nor the want you should have. But it’s not too late to address it and to begin to heal.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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