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Dear Eric: We are newly pregnant with our fourth child. A month ago, my newlywed best friend told me his wife was pregnant. We were extremely excited for them, however they lost their baby in the first trimester and are taking it hard, as any anxious and excited parent would.

Having gone through the same in our first pregnancy, I remember the mixed emotions of finding out those close to us were pregnant. I sometimes am ashamed to admit my initial reactions were anger or jealousy instead of excitement for the happy parents-to-be. How do I broach this subject with my friend and let him know we are expecting while being sensitive to their experience?

– Prenatal Predicament

Dear Prenatal: While the emotions your best friend will feel about your news will likely be complicated, you may be an insightful and sensitive resource for him because you’ve walked the same difficult path.

To that end, don’t be shy about talking about the full picture when you tell him. You can say something like, “when we lost our baby, we felt a lot of anger and jealousy about other people’s pregnancies. I’m not saying that you are or will, but I share that to tell you that I know our news may be complicated for you. As your friend, I want to be there for you. So, please know that it’s not going to hurt or offend me if you need some space. It’s also not going to detract from my experience if you need or want to talk about your own grieving.”

Make the words your own, of course. The most important thing you can do is remind your friend that he’s not alone.

Any parent who has suffered a miscarriage will know, as you do, that that painful experience doesn’t just disappear. It becomes a part of you, even as other joys come into your life. That’s not always obvious on the surface, of course. So, it’s helpful when someone else says, “I’ve been there. I understand. You’ll get through this.”

Dear Eric: My older daughter cut me off some years ago. When she was three, her mother (my wife) ran off with her dance instructor. He didn't want to have somebody else's kid, so she came back to me.

I was in the Army at the time. Later, she came on to, and ran off with, my best friend in the Army.

She left our child with me to avoid what happened with the dance instructor.

So, I raised our child, till she was 17. She did senior year of high school, living with her mom, got into the university there, and, on her mom's income, graduated.

She has since married, to a military guy, and has two children.

My daughter's mother filled our daughter with hate toward me, especially after hubby number two dumped her.

I changed my career to take care of my kid. My daughter won't talk to me, because her mother was angry. Her mother wanted to talk to me at length, after hubby number two left her and I just said "no.” I am remarried and don’t want to worry my current wife.

My daughter's mother lied about everything involving the relationship that produced our daughter. My daughter is very precious to me. Any ideas?

– Father Abandoned

Dear Father: There’s a lot of hurt all around here. I’m sorry about it. Finding a path forward with your daughter will take some digging into the past and will also require her willingness to work on your relationship. You can’t control the latter part, unfortunately, but you have options for beginning the work of the former.

First, if you haven’t already, talk to a therapist about what you experienced. There is pain and anger in your past, and, likely, in your present. It will be helpful to process it with a neutral party who can give you tools for releasing it, owning what parts of it are yours, and starting to separate your daughter’s actions from her mother’s influence. This last part is important because in order to build a relationship with your daughter you have to try, as best you can, to not use her as a battleground for the conflicts you’ve had with her mother.

The goal isn’t winning her, nor is it even setting the record straight. The goal is to meet her where she is and work from there.

Talking to a therapist will prepare you to reach out again. I’d suggest a letter. Again, the focus shouldn’t be on the past – there will be time for processing that later. Instead, you can write to express your care for her, your sadness that you’re not in contact, and your desire to do what needs to be done in order to build something new together.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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