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Dear Eric: My sister passed away without a will or trust. Our sister-in-law told me that my sister told her that she wanted all her things sold and divided up and given to the niece and nephews. My sister never told me anything.

There is a good amount of money now to divide up. I am the personal representative and would like to know what is fair. By law the money goes to my brother and myself. I haven't clarified exactly how the money was supposed to be divided but I have two children and my brother has two children. His two children have had children. They have 14 total children now.

My brother and I are far apart in age, he married young and I married in my late 20s. My children have not married yet and started families. So, I feel it is fair to give to the first generation nephews and niece only. That way it’s not a 14 to 2 ratio, my brother’s side to my side. Part of that 14 are babies. The first generation can give to their families as they see fit. Am I being fair?

– Fair Inheritance

Dear Fair: This sounds reasonable. If you haven’t already, consult with an estate lawyer to ensure you’ve done everything you need to do when an estate is in probate. If you’re free and clear, what may be cleanest is following the law and giving your brother his share and telling him about the wishes your sister-in-law communicated to you. His side of the family can then use their judgment to figure out the best way to honor your sister.

Dear Eric: I don’t like to visit my fiancé’s family with him because they don’t talk to me when I’m around them, and they don’t ask me anything about me. They only want to talk about themselves and that is ALL they talk about.

I have tried to make an effort on multiple occasions with them, and I have made sure I’m friendly, approachable, polite, and I show an interest in their lives and ask how they are. They have never reciprocated the conversation and quickly change the subject to bring it back to them. So, I’ve stopped talking to them, and I’ve stopped going with my fiancé to see them.

I am not used to being around people that behave this way. My family were extremely welcoming and generous to everyone who visited. I am like that, and I surround myself with people who hold a mutual conversation and are as interested in me as I am in them.

Why are they like this? Is there something mentally wrong with people who just want to talk about themselves?

It’s sad. But they’re so rude it hurts my feelings.

– Unwelcome Guest

Dear Guest: This is a tough position to be in. I empathize with how isolating it must feel to be around your fiancé’s family members and yet still be treated as an outsider. The first part of this advice might seem like a cold comfort, but I hope you’ll give it some consideration. It’s possible that these folks just aren’t adept at hospitality or are awkward conversationalists. This doesn’t make everything OK, but what’s coming across as rude and hurtful to you may not be intentional exclusion.

You write that your family is quite different, so you – reasonably – have an expectation that others will make strides to welcome and include a guest. Your fiancé’s family members may not have the same expectation of themselves. They may not even realize that they’re doing what they’re doing.

So, try asking your fiancé about it. You can share what you’ve experienced and how you’ve felt and ask him if he’s noticed it, too. This doesn’t necessarily need to be presented as a problem he has to fix, but he might be able to help grease the conversational wheels, either by making sure to include you more or by talking to his relatives one-on-one. He might even be able to give you insight about the ways certain family members talk or act, which can help you feel more like an insider and better set you up for future visits.

Dear Eric: I'm responding to “Flummoxed” who said that a friend invited over to the house insists on washing dishes after the meal but doesn't wash them well. All efforts to convince her to please leave the dishes alone failed.

Perhaps the hosting couple could consider using really nice, disposable dishes, silverware and plastic glasses. That way, no one's dishes get broken or poorly washed, and the guest can relax and enjoy herself.

– No More Dirty Dishes

Dear Dishes: This is a graceful solution that avoids awkward conversations and allows the hosts to extend their hospitality without worrying. Thanks.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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