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Dear Eric: I am a long-retired senior citizen. I manage my days by finding things to do. In the evenings, I generally go out to a handful of local establishments. Being single I sit at the bar to dine and have a cocktail. I am friendly and chat with just about anyone

At one establishment, I run into a lady from time to time. She is married but her husband works long hours and is seldom with her. I have met him a couple times. Seems like a nice enough fellow.

She and I have gotten friendly. To me it was just friendly social talk. Recently, however, she was out with a friend, and I was sitting several seats away. Her friend left and she moved next to me.

To be honest, I do find her attractive but never gave much thought to a romantic connection due to her marriage situation.

But that night we talked much longer than ever before. I found that she consistently would touch me. Maybe on the hand or shoulder. When I said goodnight that evening, she put her arms around me and kissed me on the cheeks.

She also mentioned to me several times when she would be back and I should come by. I have not gone back since, because I am confused. Not sure if she is just very friendly and gregarious or romantically attracted to me. If she were single, I would ask her out in a heartbeat. I know I will run into her again soon and am not sure how to handle it. I understand she is married and that should be taboo. What should I do?

– Mixed Signals

Dear Signals: This may be an innocuous friendship, but it will be helpful for you and for her if you get some clarity.

First, check in with yourself. You stated you’d ask her out if she was single, but you won’t be taking any action because she’s married. That suggests that you’d be most comfortable with a friendship that didn’t include cheek-kisses and touching. It’s appropriate to set that boundary.

You can do so either by simply avoiding them should they come up again, or by directly telling her you enjoy her friendship, but you felt a little confused about the physical gestures and would prefer to express friendship in a different way. Directness is always better, to be honest. You need not imply she meant anything by it, but it’s always good to let friends and others know how you like – and don’t like – to be touched.

Dear Eric: My (former) friend is a Fixer. She’d constantly give therapy advice though her experience was only from online chats. When she can’t fix you, she disappears into thin air. I hurt myself and her calls stopped and so did her texts.

We connected again but it was for her advantage as she needed help.

Our grandchild had stage 4 cancer. No calls asking how he is or how I’m holding up. I needed her more than ever. She said I was using her as an emotional punching bag. I responded with “you emotionally neglected me when I needed you the most!”

I love my friend like a sister and want to connect again but I’m unsure I can accept who she’s become! She’s excluded her own brother over stupid things. He’s 60 and got married, then told her! She can’t fix that or control what he did. She guilts her son all the time because she can’t control him either.

Do I tell her to stop trying to FIX everything about everyone? She gave good advice but there are times I just needed for her to listen, not fix everything … she can’t. Is it worth a try? Do I offer the olive branch or say farewell?

– No Fixing

Dear Fixing: Before you reach out, you should ask yourself if the friend that you’re seeking is the same person you’d be reaching out to. You write that she can’t stop trying to fix everyone and she has been resistant when you asked her to listen and support you. You want to try again to get her to listen, but has anything changed?

Whether she genuinely believes she’s helping or whether she is misapplying a desire to control, it’s clear there’s a big mismatch in your relationship. And that mismatch has resulted in hurt (perhaps, hurt on both sides). If you go into this with the same expectation that she’ll listen, you’re likely to only get hurt again.

This isn’t to say that the expectation is wrong. You need a friend who will listen to you and support you. You’ve expressed that need. But you may realize that she is no longer that friend and so it may be better to seek that connection elsewhere.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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