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Dear Eric: I had a Mother’s Day card for my daughter, but needed her sons, ages 10 and 7 to sign it. Since I did not see them in time for Mother’s Day, I gave it to my daughter to give to them.

When I inquired about the card, my daughter’s husband said he had decided not to give the card because he had already done cards for her. He said, “Save it for next year.”

They are not in any financial situation that you would need to save a card for the following year. It seemed odd to me. Who does that? Just give the boys the card to sign. Was he wrong?

– Card-Carrying

Dear Card-Carrying: This Mother’s Day card sure does have some mileage on it. From you to your daughter to your son-in-law. It’s reminiscent of a game of Telephone, and like the game, the original intention may be getting muddled.

Your son-in-law may have assumed that since he had cards for the sons, a second card from them would have been redundant. You may have seen the card from you and the boys as a separate greeting. I think the sticking point may be needing the signatures from them, especially since your daughter was tasked with the responsibility of getting her own card signed. It might be easier, next time, to just send a greeting from yourself.

Dear Eric: Over the years, I’ve made it a priority to invite my family to milestone events so we can bond, celebrate and stay connected. There are a few relatives who consistently choose not to attend, which is their right, but they still become offended if they don’t receive an invitation, even though they have no intention of showing up.

I’m growing tired of spending time, money and energy sending invitations to people who have made it clear they won’t participate. I want to handle this in a way that doesn’t create tension or spark a family feud.

How should I approach this situation to set boundaries without causing unnecessary conflict?

– Lost in St. Louis

Dear Lost: From your description, I’m assuming you’re largely sending paper invitations, so you may consider “downgrading” the invites to the relatives who never show to FYIs over text. Now, this doesn’t fully free up your plate, but it does reduce some of the work and expense. Most importantly, it may save you some aggravation.

It’s annoying that these relatives are expressing offense when they don’t receive an invitation after consistently declining. In most circumstances, a pattern like this would be an indication that they’re sending the message to stop inviting them. And they may well be; they just might not know it.

Transferring them to “update only” relatives helps to keep them in the loop and perhaps speaks to the part of them that wants to feel wanted. It also can reset the expectations on both sides. If you go into the text exchange communicating that you don’t expect them to come, but you want them to know something’s happening, you can shift the energy of the exchange.

Dear Eric: As someone with two small children, a small home and a preference for minimalist living, I found myself sympathizing with the son and daughter-in-law here referenced in the letter from “Insulted Grandmother,” who was hurt that her family didn’t immediately open one of the “love boxes” of gifts she sent.

A large box full of candy, toys, school supplies, books and gifts for every holiday might feel loving to the sender, but for some families it can also feel overwhelming, especially when they are already deep in the chaos of parenting young children. Opening and managing a large package of “stuff” before leaving for a vacation honestly sounds more stressful than joyful.

I don’t think the grandmother’s intentions were bad at all. In fact, they sound loving and generous. But sometimes we show love in the ways that would feel meaningful to us, rather than in the ways the other family actually needs.

For some families, a thoughtful card, a scheduled FaceTime date, reading a book together virtually, or even a simple check-in might feel far more supportive and relational than frequent packages. Children do not necessarily equate love with volume of gifts, and many parents today are actively trying to reduce clutter, overstimulation, and consumerism.

Grandparent relationships are incredibly valuable, but they are strongest when they feel emotionally safe, flexible and responsive to the actual rhythms and needs of the family.

– Right-sized Gifts

Dear Gifts: This is beautifully put and wise. It’s easy to get our feelings hurt when gifts aren’t received in the way we want them to be, particularly when those gifts are to family. Asking what’s helpful, what’s needed and what’s manageable goes a very long way.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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