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Dear Eric: After more than a year together, my boyfriend and I are planning to move in together with his brother. Originally, I was planning to move away since I'm graduating college and received some very cool opportunities, but after meeting him I was willing to put my career aspirations on hold in order to see where our relationship would go.

We agreed I'd stay here and see how compatible we are living together, then we would go long distance or have him follow me while I pursue my career. My boyfriend lived with his family, but he planned on moving out with me.

Coincidentally, his brother was planning on moving out and invited my boyfriend to live with him.

I am constantly getting into conflicts with his brother before we've even moved in together. Brother keeps trying to push for more expensive places that are beyond our budget, divide bills in really bizarre unequal ways that are obviously flawed, and seems resistant to coming up with rules around cleaning or chores.

Then I overheard Brother badmouthing me to their mom. My boyfriend heard it too but shrugged it off. He idolizes how "fair" and reasonable his older brother is.

I have already passed up some very valuable opportunities in order to pursue living with Boyfriend, and we have no other issues in our relationship. But I don't know what to do.

This is my first relationship so I'm not sure if this is one of those things you just suck up to maintain the relationship. I know many people that just do whatever they can to maintain peace with their partner's family, and I don't want to make my partner choose between me and his family. I also don't want him to think I'm some kind of villain constantly picking fights with his "awesome" big brother.

– Three's A Crowd

Dear Three’s: I am loath to be cut-and-dry, particularly when it comes to someone else’s relationship. But please don’t move in with them.

This is not something you have to suck up. This is trouble that will very likely only make you miserable once you’re locked into a lease with them.

Don’t live with someone who doesn’t like you or exhibit trustworthy habits, i.e., the brother. If your boyfriend wants to, that’s his prerogative.

I think you’ll be a lot happier pursuing opportunities in your field and coming into your own, rather than hitching your wagon to your boyfriend, his brother, and this apartment. Work doesn’t trump relationships, but personal growth and independence is key to having healthy relationships. While you may not be able to get the opportunities you passed up, there are others out there and you should pursue them.

Going long distance first isn’t making your partner choose between you and his family. This is shifting the order so you both have room to grow. He’d be living on his own, you’d be pursuing your career. You both have something to bring back to the table down the road.

Dear Eric: My boyfriend of one year and I have been seeing each other almost daily. We are both in our 70s. He has old-fashioned values, married at 19 for 40 years. She divorced him.

I had two brief failed marriages and several long/short relationships. He makes degrading and sarcastic comments about my exes, wishes he had their deep pockets, thinks I was free with sex and should have hooked up or married one of them so I would not be alone now.

He also has two friends who know or knew my ex-beau and loves to get information from them which causes a battle with me.

Other than those spurts of putting me down he is great, always helping others, and he has many, many friends. He cannot be home alone: always busy with sports, gatherings. He is committed to our relationship, we have strong chemistry, we dance and dine. He has had months of therapy but cannot stop. Any chance he could change?

– Many Promises

Dear Promises: He can change; I don’t know if he will change. He may be great in other ways, but he has a huge mental block 00 and maybe even an obsession – with your past. And it’s resulting in cruelty toward you. That is at the core of your relationship. If he can’t love you enough to not be cruel to you, it’s worth asking yourself if this is a relationship that is actually feeding you.

He’s going to great lengths to find ways to torment you. This simply isn’t loving behavior. Indeed, it could be considered emotionally abusive. His insecurity about the path that your life took does not need to be your problem. Draw the line for him clearly. Tell him: either this ends now or we can’t move forward together.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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