Ask Amy: Sister dynamic remains family secret
I am not going to “tattle” on her; I just want her to go away.
How can I get her out of my life without becoming the bad person?
– Bullied
Dear Bullied: My first suggestion is that you should never share a room with your sister. You’ve had a lifetime of negative experiences in that regard.
My second suggestion is that you draw out that distance to limit your contact with her altogether.
As a chronically oppressed person, you also seem to be oppressing yourself, essentially following up on your sister’s bullying by treating it like a secret that must be kept. “Tattling” is what children worry about. Telling your own truth (or acting in your own best interest) is adult business.
You have adopted the idea that a victim speaking out represents some sort of betrayal to the family system that created and supported this dynamic.
If you can’t bring yourself to confront your sister, then you should at the very least limit contact with her. Refusing to share a room with her on family vacations would be a start.
If she asks why, you can tell her that you’re simply tired of tolerating a family dynamic that you can’t seem to change. It’s time for you to take better care of yourself.
Dear Amy: An elderly person in our small community has just died. Those in my generation have known her for our entire lives.
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