Ask Amy: Wife wants her mom and husband to be friends
When I told my husband why she was uncomfortable, he was hurt, saying that she wants him to be different, but he will not change who he is for anyone.
I feel horrible that my husband and my mother aren't better friends.
I want to avoid another awkward visit.
Do you have any advice on how to possibly bring them closer?
– In the Middle
Dear In the Middle: First for some perspective. Your mother raised you alone. You don’t mention that she has had a long-term spouse or partner, then or now.
If a person has navigated through the world mainly on their own, it can be unsettling to witness a couple debate (or argue).
If your mother doesn’t spend time around couples who mix it up, it can be challenging to decode the difference between a fight, a debate, a minor dust-up, or a prelude to a mutual understanding.
You made a tactical error here. If you want your mother and husband to be closer, then why did you choose to report your mother’s incorrect and upsetting assertion back to him? You told him, “My mom thinks you’re mean to me.” Rather than repeat this to him, you should have directed your attention to your mother, to reassure her about your healthy relationship and your household’s dynamic.
On to your husband. One sure way to prove that you are a real “man’s man” is to be kind and considerate toward your wife’s beloved mother. Your husband needs to step up, and even if he is unwilling to change, he should prove himself capable of at least behaving differently.
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