Ask Amy: Teen daughter must become her own parent
– Lost, Confused and Sad Daughter
Dear Daughter: You are the child of an addict, and you have assumed the heavy burden that your mother’s addiction has bestowed upon you.
And like many children of addicts and narcissistic parents, you would very much like to force your parent toward change, so that you might have the sort of healthy parent/child relationship you long for.
Unfortunately, your mother is not willing – or able – to change for you.
You can, however, change – and this change should be directed toward securing your own future health and happiness and accepting the lousy hand you’ve been played, as well as her limitations.
Your mother’s erratic and disappointing behavior has trained you to take responsibility for the outcome, but you need to find ways to lay down this weighty backpack you’ve been carrying.
Every human being longs for love and constancy, and you will find it – but likely not with your mother.
It is time now for you to commit to parenting yourself (and I have a feeling you’ll be very good at it).
Engaging in trusting and emotionally healthy relationships with others will also help you to heal.
I suggest you join a “friends and family” support group such as Al-anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics (Adultchildren.org), and also read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents,” by clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson (2015) New Harbinger.
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