Sexual misconduct leads to questions, months later
Dear Amy: During the holidays, my fiancé and I attended a party. Throughout the course of the evening a friend's husband was overly flirty with me, and during the typical polite hug goodbye, he grabbed my chin and planted a kiss square on my lips. I shoved him away, gave him a few choice words and left quietly. I didn't want to ruin the evening with a scene.
Here's my dilemma: My fiancé and I are getting married this summer, and there is no way we want this man to attend our wedding. I feel disrespected, and I also don't trust that he won't do something else inappropriate -- to me or another guest.
I know I missed the opportunity of letting my girlfriend know what happened in a timely manner, but I was afraid to approach her, and I worried this would disrupt their family's holiday. She and I have known each other for close to 20 years but don't have a very close friendship. Still, her absence from the guest list will be obvious and met with many questions. Do you have any suggestions as to how to approach this, other than turning back time?
-- Worried Bride
Dear Worried: Your account of this incident conveys why women don't come forward in the moment: Even though you pushed this guy away, you took on responsibility for not "making a scene."
As your friend's husband, this man would normally be included in a wedding invitation, but in this case, rather than omit inviting her altogether, you should consider inviting her, but letting her know that unfortunately, due to her husband's behavior toward you at this holiday party, he is not welcome to accompany her. You can then expect her to decline your invitation.
This will not be easy. It requires that you do all of the things now that you avoided previously: offering an honest account of your experience, and explaining the consequence.
This might be quite painful for your friend to hear. She might double down, defend her guy's actions, downplay the impact on you and back away from your kinship. However, she has a right to know how her husband behaved and how it has affected you (and now, her). This might be a wakeup call for both of them; if cocktails fueled this behavior, he should reconsider his intake.
Dear Amy: I have a friend group of five women. Together, we have 10 married sons (our sons don't know each other).
We were all very caring parents, enjoying close relationships with our sons. We saw that all of them had stable homes, lots of love and good educations.
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