Humor
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Getting Some Skin in the Game
As spring moves into summer, one of the things I can be confident of is that my chances of getting exposed to poison ivy go up significantly. For some reason, this seems to be a challenge for me every summer. It has happened every year like clockwork for the 30 years we have been living in the 'burbs, so one would naturally think after such a ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: If looks could grill
Whenever I’m cooking with gas, which causes people who eat what I cook to have the same thing, I’m afraid I will not only burn the burgers but be blown to smithereens, after which I will rest in pieces.
That’s why I feel much safer now that I have a new grill, even though I had to reassemble part of it and ended up with a couple of screws...Read more
The Persistence of Rainbows
Do you know how rainbows are made? Sure, most of us remember third-grade science, prisms dancing from a backyard hose. Light plus water equals color.
But let's go deeper on the mysterious rainbow, a phenomenon that has long dazzled the world's greatest minds. From Norse mythmakers to Aristotle, from Descartes to Newton, thinkers have wrestled...Read more
Blue Skies Shining at Me
"Honey, do we have any sunscreen?" my husband asked.
"Yes," I responded. "I bought, like, a case of it years ago."
"You know that stuff expires, right?"
I actually didn't. I thought sunscreen lasted forever, like Twinkies and Dick Van Dyke. So when I checked out the expiration dates on the sunscreens, I was dismayed to discover that they ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: A farewell to my arm
You know you’re old and washed up as an athlete when you hurt your arm playing Wiffle ball.
That’s what happened when I was the pitcher in a spirited game with my grandchildren, who not only hit home runs off me but ran so fast around the nonexistent bases in my backyard that when I tried to throw them out at home plate, I threw out my arm ...Read more
More Florida Show Ideas for John Oliver
Comedian John Oliver blessed the airwaves with a meaty Florida takedown, spending nearly half an hour Sunday dragging the state's hostile takeover of New College of Florida.
On HBO's "Last Week Tonight," Oliver touched on college President Richard Corcoran's bloated salary, a curious dumpster full of books and other farcical facets of the ...Read more
Chew on This
When I was a kid, we had a Siberian husky named Sasha. My dad decided on a Siberian husky because he wanted a dog that had blue eyes like he did.
Not that he's shallow or anything.
Sasha was a chewer. He wasn't just a dog toy chewer or bone chewer. Sasha was an indiscriminate chewer and was so good at chewing that he could have competed ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: No ignoring all my snoring
As a man who can’t stay awake for the 11 o’clock news, which isn’t worth watching anyway, I tire easily. Then I fall asleep. And I snore with enough force to wake up not only the dead, who sleep pretty soundly, but also my wife, who would like to kill me.
So I got a CPAP machine, which was supposed to cure my sleep apnea. Stupidly, which ...Read more
Scenes From a Cash Register in 2026
Hi.
Hi! Did you find everything you were looking for in STORE?
Yep, thanks.
Just this shirt for you, then?
Mmhmm.
Soooo cute, girl. What's your email address?
Why?
Are you on file with us here at STORE?
Oh, no thanks. I'll just take the top.
No problem at all, babe. It's just that, if you don't ...Read more
Going in Circles
Given the choice between using a regular door and a revolving door, I always choose the regular door. I've been that way since birth. OK, maybe not birth -- I'm fairly certain there was no revolving door where I made my way into the world. But for as long as I can remember, I have been reluctant to go through them. No, not reluctant. Phobic. ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Take 2 pills and keep smiling
Medicine commercials give me a headache. Unfortunately, I have to pay attention to them because their products can either: (a) relieve my headache or (b) kill me.
So I strike a compromise: Whenever one of these pitches comes on the TV screen, which happens approximately once a minute, I turn down the sound.
I can’t bear to listen as the ...Read more
A Lovebug's Dating Profile
Name: Lovebug #543,952
Location: All up in your business, floating into open mouths in the grocery store parking lot, landing on bare legs at the barbecue. You know how we do.
Age: I'm 2 days old (unless you count my six months as a larva), which means I only have a couple days left to live. This dating profile is actually really, uh, urgent...Read more
Feeling the Pressure
For a long time, I was a dedicated slow cooker fan, which worked well when my kids were little and I could dump everything in the pot in the morning and then pull it out ready to go at dinnertime. But once the kids left the nest and I was just cooking for two, it seemed like a good time to give a pressure cooker a whirl.
My friends had been ...Read more
On Tiny Broken Things
Last weekend, I broke my little finger. It's pretty silly and not that serious, but it has me thinking about the nature of fragility.
My close friends are closing this tab right now, like, "Enough about the pinky!" Which, fair. Sally forth, check your email for new DSW coupons.
I broke my finger at the gym, unfortunately not doing anything ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Game of groans
With apologies to Frank Sinatra, who is dead and can’t sue me, I am the chairman of the board. And I’m not just singing my own praises.
After decades of failing miserably at board games, one of which had such a monopoly on me that I went directly to jail, I am game to announce that I recently emerged triumphant in not one but two exciting ...Read more
The 'Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, But I'm Not Really Sick' Cold
When I woke up, I felt fine. However, by noon, one side of my nose was stuffed up. And by dinnertime, I had a full-blown, eye-watering, nose-dripping, knock-the-dog-over-with-my-sneezes head cold.
"Maybe it's allergies," said my husband as I let out another sonic boom of a sneeze.
"I've never had allergies before," I replied
"There's always...Read more
Jerry Zezima: See you later, refrigerator
The only thing that left me cold when my wife and I got a new refrigerator is that it didn’t come stocked with beer.
But the cool part is that it doesn’t freeze food, as our old fridge did. And it is designed in such a convenient way that I can now find what I am looking for — pickles, mustard or, yes, beer — which I could never do ...Read more
Who Could Have Predicted Alligator Alcatraz Would Fail?
Folks, take it easy. There was no way to know it would end like this.
Who could have predicted that a stunt with all the subtlety of a juggling bear would fizzle out in less than a year? Don't dare imply that Alligator Alcatraz, Florida's most odious, costly and morally compromised photo booth, was designed to end the moment it outlived its ...Read more
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