ArcaMax

"I got an invitation on Facebook to join the Magnetic Eyelashes Fan Club," I told my husband as I stared at my computer screen.

"What does that even mean?" he asked incredulously.

"It's a group on Facebook for people who like magnetic eyelashes, I assume."

"Is that a thing?" he asked.

"Apparently," I said. "Although I don't wear fake ...Read more

Someone recently asked: Have you been to the beach lately?

No, I said. Despite living in a peninsular county in the peninsular state of Florida, I don't really go to the beach. The sun hurts my skin, which resembles the cadaverous husk of an 18th-century European farm woman who gathers eggs while wearing four babushkas. Once on the beach, I ...Read more

Even before I looked in the mirror, I knew my face was puffy. It might have had something to do with the fact that I could feel my cheeks touching my eyebrows, or maybe that my lips felt like they were the size of eggplants. I knew some women paid good money for lips that looked like mine, but at that moment, I suspected it was probably not a ...Read more

Each year, the Girl Scouts of America emerge from their campgrounds and crafty shadows to remind the people of this nation that some things are still good and true. Young ladies care about the community and the environment. They can learn to become confident leaders while conquering the tricky mountain of girl-girl social relations.

Also: ...Read more

We hadn't had the new microwave that long when, all of a sudden, it decided it just didn't want to microwave anymore.

"You had one job," I said to the microwave, chastising it after it failed to reheat some leftovers. "Is that really so hard?"

Naturally, I had no idea what went into making a microwave microwave. I assumed it probably had ...Read more

I thought about death in Applebee's. Where the Maroon 5 flows as freely as the margarita mix. Where burgers are cooked "pink or no pink." Where the waffle fries aren't the only thing getting loaded.

Yes, Applebee's, the nation's gaudy corporate house of camaraderie and savings. Inelegant, loud, the butt of many jokes. Few like to admit they ...Read more

"Bowie has a girlfriend," I announced to my husband. "She's a golden retriever and her name is Susie."

"That's unlikely," he said. "Did you forget that he's neutered?"

"He can still enjoy a girl dog's company," I replied.

I looked over at Bowie sprawled out on the living room rug. He had just returned from his daily midday walk with several...Read more

An unhinged theory flying around this country, a silly widdle country, is that the United States government has secretly installed Taylor Swift as a psyop, or a psychological operative. This fringe conspiracy, given legs on all the media platforms one might suspect, posits that the Pentagon has orchestrated a spangly, leotarded plot to win the...Read more

"Are you ready to order?" asked the server. It was our first time at a new restaurant and everything looked tempting to me. Even the sugar packets looked good.

"I'd like the fish tacos," I said. "But what kind of tortillas do they come with? I'm gluten-free."

"They come with corn tortillas," she said. "But we can also do them as lettuce ...Read more

ALL-STAFF MEMO FROM THE OFFICE OF FLORIDA GOV. RON DESANTIS

Subject: One-pager of tips and talking points for the governor's reunification with Florida

(SET BOLD) Goals (END BOLD)

Gov. DeSantis has suspended his presidential campaign after realizing Iowa is cold, but not chill. Floridians waited with perverse curiosity to see if he might ...Read more

Yes, it’s that glorious season that so many pumpkin-spice addicts claim to be their favorite. I must admit that, I, too, succumb each year to the autumnal charms of fall, except for my seemingly never-ending battle with leaves, or, as I like to call them – tree dandruff.

So what is it that ironically draws us to a season that marks the ...Read more