ArcaMax

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than ...Read more

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to ...Read more

As I was settling into bed one night, I happened to catch my husband out of the corner of my eye.

He was getting on the scale.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled at him. He jerked his head around and looked at me with alarm.

"What? I'm weighing myself."

I jumped out of bed and yanked him off the scale.

"You can't do that now!!" I said ...Read more

The words "constitutional crisis" get thrown around plenty, but, well. It's just that the outlook appears shaky for the Bill of Rights. The first 10 amendments to the Constitution are on the way to becoming the Bill of Vibes, or the Bill of Suggestions, or the Bill of Chewed Dentyne Ice.

It's time to act up on many levels, and that includes ...Read more

Whenever my husband goes out of town, I cheat. I figure what he doesn't know won't hurt him, and since there's no way for him to find out that I cheated, why not have some fun while he's out of town?

Do I feel guilty about this? Maybe a bit. But only because I know that my indiscretions may eventually catch up with me in the end. You see, I ...Read more

What do you mean it's still January? From Minneapolis to Venezuela to Greenland, a year's worth of current events have unfolded in a matter of weeks. Here are a few things that feel as long as the first few weeks of January have felt:

The first workout after vacation at the all-inclusive where you consumed nothing but strawberry daiquiris, ...Read more

When you have short hair, it is inevitable that you will spend an inordinate amount of time growing your hair out, and then getting fed up and cutting it again. I have been down this hair-brained road several dozen times before, complaining for months until I am convinced my husband is going to cut it all off while I sleep just so he doesn't ...Read more

Mother, why do you gaze out the window so forlornly?

Because your father has gone to fight in the war, and I don't know when he might return.

Which war, Mother? The war in Ukraine? The war in the Middle East?

No, child.

Is it the immigration war raging in American streets? Or has Father gone to help with troubles in Venezuela...Read more

"Can you pick up some more tissues at the supermarket?" I asked my husband.

"I'm not going out right now," he replied. "Just use toilet paper."

I looked at him aghast.

"I can't do that," I said. "It'll scratch my nose."

"Does it scratch your butt?"

"No."

"Then why would it scratch your nose?" he asked.

"Hmmph," I hmmphed.

I shook my ...Read more

One day my son was visiting, and he needed to go to the bank, so I offered to drive him. We had just gotten down our street when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was descending on a thread from the roof of my car just left of the steering wheel.

"SPIDER!!!! There's a spider in the car!" I shrieked, jerking the steering ...Read more

Allow me, a moderately cluttered person whose Christmas tree may still be up by next Festivus, to espouse the benefits of a reset.

A reset is not a deep clean, not an all-day parade of squeegees. It simply means taking an hour-ish for basic tidying, dishes, laundry, fluffing. It means pulling the home back from the brink of "SEC frat house ...Read more

My scale and my alarm clock are in cahoots.

It started when both our old scale and clock suddenly died. They'd had good, long electronic lives but finally gave up the ghost and went to that great appliance resting place in the sky. They had been analog, and we thought maybe the time had come to catch up with the times and get a digital alarm ...Read more

Dear journal,

I, a T.J. Maxx price sticker, will know my own value, not just the value of name-brand designer merchandise at discounted prices.

I will stick boldly and blatantly in the middle of all products, especially the ones people intended to give as gifts. I will not be innocuously placed along the side of a box of holiday OPI nail ...Read more

Having a birthday on a holiday can either be very cool, or a real drag ... depending on the holiday. My brother's birthday usually falls on Columbus Day, which doesn't really affect his celebration at all, except for the fact that the banks and post offices are closed, so he can neither cash a check nor mail a letter on his birthday. This is ...Read more