ArcaMax

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

What did the picture say to the wall?
I've got you covered!

What is the best thing to take into the desert?
A thirst aid kit!

Who was the first underwater spy?
James Pond!

What is hairy and coughs?
A coconut with a cold!

What do you call a ...Read more

"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it?

First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice.

If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"

~ George Carlin

The holidays always bear a certain layer of heaviness. That's why so many people try to tap into their best selves this time of year, donating gifts, opening their homes to wayward friends.

But no small acts of kindness can reverse the acutely cynical darkness of 2025, a corrupt year of pernicious, calculated coldness. This year, the haves ...Read more

I am a scarf person, but I am married to a non-scarf person. Conversely, my husband is a hat person, and I am not a hat person. He says scarves are itchy and make him look like he has no chin. I say hats ruin my hair and make my head look like Charlie Brown's. So whenever it gets cold out, he tells me to put on a hat, I tell him to put on a ...Read more

Marco Rubio, secretary of state, has taken a brave stance on a prudent matter ripping at the fabric of American life: sans serif typeface.

This week, Rubio put an abrupt end to the State Department's use of Calibri, a screamingly liberal font akin to a beanie-clad barista serving oat milk to a drag performer while Bon Iver twinkles from the ...Read more

One of the things I find to be a complete waste of time is shaving my legs. It's not that I don't need it, it's just that the shave lasts all of about eight hours before the werewolf in me begins to reemerge. Additionally, with the vast acreage of hairy body parts that need to be attended to, it takes half the day to remove it all. It is ...Read more

Happy Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Buy Now Pay Later Sunday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, Insolvency Wednesday, Reckoning With Capitalism Thursday, Debt Consolidation Loan Friday, Moving Back In With Mom Saturday and back to Clean Slate Sunday!

The entire website is 80% off. All you have to do is provide your email address, ATM PIN...Read more

"The squirrels ate my pumpkins," I moaned to my husband.

"Is that a secret code for something?" he wondered aloud.

"NO! I had a whole bunch of pumpkins on the front stoop, and the squirrels massacred them. Look!"

I pointed out the window to our front lawn. There lay three pumpkins ... or what was left of them. They were strewn about the ...Read more

It is hereby the official position of Florida's State Board of Education that Joseph McCarthy was actually a pretty chill dude.

Per our newly adopted teaching standards, students will learn that the much-maligned senator and boss dunker of lefties was a down guy, an alpha dog ahead of his time.

Furthermore, students will understand that if ...Read more

"What happened to your ankle?" asked my neighbor when he saw the orthopedic boot on my left foot.

"I tripped while I was in Pamplona running with the bulls," I told him.

He raised his eyebrows. "Really?"

"Not really," I admitted. "I was actually climbing Machu Pichu, and I fell over a llama."

"Seriously?" he said. I nodded. Heck, I'd ...Read more

I almost never check work email on a Saturday, but I must have known deep down that a sitcom script had just landed. Picture me opening "Holiday Pet Peeve Public Service Announcement" over coffee and becoming glued to my phone like I was watching John McClane save Nakatomi Plaza.

A reader wrote in about his friends and their icky habit. The ...Read more

"Can I get an unsweetened iced tea?" I asked the server who brought me a glass of water. My husband was out of town, and I thought it would be nice to treat myself to dinner in a fancy restaurant I'd heard a lot about. I had put on actual shoes instead of Uggs for the occasion, so I expected good food and service to match.

"Oh, I just do the ...Read more

I will speak to almost any room about the miracle of local news. However, one annual event strikes fear in my soul.

Yes, I am talking about the Great American Teach-In. When requests to present at this career day roll around, I pretend as if my hearing and vision have simultaneously gone out.

For one thing, time in a classroom will remind ...Read more

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Quoth the Raven, 'Caw'

One of the things I do actually love about the suburbs is the quiet. Of course, the quiet mostly happens in short spurts between clamorous bouts of home construction, lawnmowers, garbage trucks and barking dogs. But when I do get it, it's glorious.

So, naturally, as I was having one of those brief late-afternoon ...Read more