ArcaMax

Day 283 Of My Captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

...Read more

We've had our fair share of goldfish. Most of them were won at local fairs and carnivals, so I could understand if they may not have been the healthiest fish in the world. However, I've had friends who've had pet goldfish like mine that lasted for a dozen years (the fish, not the friends), so maybe it's not the fish. ... Maybe it's us. Either ...Read more

The name's Spring. Spring Forward.

Some say I'm even more nefarious than my brother, Fall Back, but they are mistaken. Me? I'm an angel. I come in the shadows and simply borrow a measly hour of your z's, a commodity of which you are already deprived due to the unfortunate high-cortisol state of your daily travails.

I like to think I'm a bit ...Read more

"All of our operators are currently busy with other customers," said the recorded voice on the other end of the line. Then she told me my call was very important to them and would be answered in the order it was received. And this order, apparently, put me at the back of a very long line of other callers who were also so important to them that...Read more

When Ayana Lage got pregnant, she prepared for the worst. She'd struggled with mental health and knew depression could be lying in wait.

She didn't expect to feel exhilarated after the birth.

"I'm so happy," recalled Lage, 32. "I'm doing amazing. I'm thriving, and I don't feel like I need to sleep. I literally just feel incredible."

Then ...Read more

One day as my husband and I were walking through my town, I noticed a guy coming toward us walking his dog. I peered ahead and tried to figure out what breed the dog was. He didn't look like any dog I'd ever seen before. As they got closer, I realized he didn't even look like a dog. He actually looked like ...

A goat.

"Hey honey, is that a ...Read more

Tragically, I have started shopping for a new car.

I drive a 2017 Fiat 500X. His name is Frank, and he has an Italian accent. Though he is far from my first car, he is the first car I have ever truly loved. I found him sitting alone in a beam of light on a Fiat lot, bright red with shining rims, languishing like the last dog at the pound ...Read more

"What do you think of our new succulent?" I asked my husband as I presented the small plant resting on our family room coffee table. I had decided to take the leap from plastic plants to live ones and figured this would be one I couldn't kill too easily.

He looked at it and scrunched up his face.

"It's OK ... but can you get something else?"...Read more

Most anyone who worked in Tampa Bay news in the 2000s has a Pam Bondi story. Before her ascent to become this nation's most scurrilous attorney general, she was a constant contact for reporters covering crime and courts and a fixture on the Tampa social scene. She had panache and warmth, facets impossible to find in the monstrous character who...Read more

I recently read that the average person will ingest eight spiders in his or her lifetime.

Apparently, this happens when we are sleeping, which would make sense, because I don't know anyone in their right mind who would choose to eat a spider when they're conscious, except maybe my dog.

While this might explain that full feeling I sometimes ...Read more

Hey! I'm your AI email assistant. Do you want me to summarize this email for you?

No.

Your aunt sent her flight times for next Thursday and is interested in getting lunch with her high school friend while she's in town.

I said no.

OK, sorry.

...

Hey! I'm your AI email assistant. Do you...

NO.

It'...Read more

One morning I walked around the back of our yard and discovered a dead animal. I poked it with the toe of my sneaker to make sure it was really dead, not just playing possum. But as they say in The Wizard of Oz, it wasn't just merely dead, it was really most sincerely dead.

Naturally, the first thing I did was take a headcount of all our pets...Read more

I did not grow up in a sports household. No one in my family was athletically inclined, and the only time I remember football on TV was when uncles came for Thanksgiving.

My brother and I made feeble attempts at sports: summer camp taekwondo, a bit of dance and track. I played fourth-grade basketball in a participation trophy program. Why did...Read more

As I was settling into bed one night, I happened to catch my husband out of the corner of my eye.

He was getting on the scale.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled at him. He jerked his head around and looked at me with alarm.

"What? I'm weighing myself."

I jumped out of bed and yanked him off the scale.

"You can't do that now!!" I said ...Read more