Doctors in India have removed 140 coins, 150 needles, and several nuts, bolts, and batteries from the stomach of a man suffering from abdominal pain. Someone should give that guy a medal. Actually, you know what? Don't give him a medal.
Today is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, also known as No Work Gets Done Day. It is a great opportunity to teach your kids why you come home miserable every night.
At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.
It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, “We have your search history. Do what we tell you.”
The employer asked the applicant, "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist. Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win.
"If I was late to work, I was hostile.
"If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
In 1923, Who Was...?
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of ...Read more
"Oh my God! Do you believe these fires?! People are doing whatever they can to stay safe. Like today William Shatner switched to an asbestos toupee." --Jay Leno
"It's year 5766 according to the Jewish calendar -- and I'm still writing 5765 on my checks!" --Dave Letterman
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted and he...Read more
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the ...Read more
"The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like anything." --Mark Twain
"The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: There shall be a National Anthem ...Read more
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me exactly what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you ...Read more
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he...Read more
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.
On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a ...Read more
A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.
The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which ...Read more
"In New York a man has set the Guinness World Record for being a couch potato. He spent 68 hours and 48 minutes straight watching TV. So nice to see FEMA director Mike Brown landing on his feet." --Jay Leno
"Martha Stewart is with us tonight and she's going to show us how to dig a tunnel with a melon baller." --David Letterman
A bishop, a judge, and a conductor were discussing their careers, and got into an argument about which of them was the greatest.
The judge said, "When I step into the courtroom, everyone stands to pay me respect."
The bishop said, "They stand? I have people kneel before me and kiss my ring."
To which the conductor replied, "Ha! I got you both...Read more
An elderly gentleman was reading his recovery-room record at the hospital where I work.
He looked quite concerned at one notation.
"I know I was in a bit of a muddle, but I didn't realize I was that bad," he said to me apologetically. "I hope I didn't offend anyone."
He was greatly relieved when I explained the acronym in question meant "...Read more
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.
However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a...Read more
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school...Read more
The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you’ll finally be able to say to a police officer, “No, no, this is just weed.”