A man left work Friday afternoon, but, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his paycheck without telling his wife.
When he appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry spouse, who barraged him for two hours with a tirade of yelling.
Finally, she stopped the nagging ...Read more
-- The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
-- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
-- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
-- Amazing! You hang something in your ...Read more
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Highway 401. Please be careful!"
"Hun," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ...Read more
As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Michigan man who left the snow-filled streets of Detroit for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next...Read more
I was surprised to hear this. Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans.
The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"
By 2020 the minimum wage in Los Angeles is going to be raised to $15 an hour. This is great news for the members of my band.
Who's living in this crazy brain?: Stray bits of humor and thought [Kindle Edition]Chris Lamela
Ever wondered what the heck’s going on in this world? This may not answer all your questions, but I can promise you this book is a very fun read while you try.
This week presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE
...A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show, a window was something you hated to clean, and ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend, and gig was something you did on stage for money; now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment, a program was a TV ...Read more
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I do ...Read more
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third ...Read more
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you ...Read more
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a ...Read more
When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
Your insurance will cover ...Read more
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced...Read more
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo ...
"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter." --Aaron Ruell as Kip in NAPOLEON DYNAMITE
"Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's ...Read more
Former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson posed naked in the shower for a campaign aimed at saving water in drought-stricken California. And as a bonus, it also reminded people to recycle plastic.