America has been told for years to pick the sensible candidate, the responsible one, a buddy, a pal, great on paper. "You will grow to love them." But now it is getting swept off its feet by a couple of bad boys from the wrong side of the polls.One candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, ...Read more
The popular AMC TV series "The Walking Dead" has teamed up with Hallmark to create a new line of Valentine’s Day cards. It’s the perfect way to say "This relationship died years ago."
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent. So finally, a reason for people to dislike Kanye West.
People say Jeb Bush may be finally hitting his stride; in fact one supporter said that Jeb is getting, quote, “very loose. And when he's loose, he's on fire.” Jeb said he knows people want to see him get loose, because his crowds are always chanting, “Looser! Looser!"
1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
3. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
4. Always drink upstream from the herd.
5. Telling a man to git and making him do it are two entirely different propositions.
6. When you give a personal lesson in ...Read more
A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.
As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.
Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.
He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there.
Aaron decided rather ...Read more
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it ...Read more
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
I, Alexandra (A Legacy of Stehle's Door)William M. O'Brien Jr.
It began very incidentally. One odd occurrence after another. Then came the dreams. And then the apparitions. Alexandra and Stephanie had figured something was wrong early on. Then, one bright Saturday morning, Johanna appeared. Chased into her apartment and hiding in a locked downstairs ...
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this ...Read more
During a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Marco Rubio what they called a “Marco Rubio burger.” It’s called the Marco Rubio burger because Chris Christie eats it for lunch.
Jeb pulled out the big gun. He had his mother, Barbara, out campaigning for him this week and they did a bunch of interviews together. It was really funny to see Jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom — it looked like a parent-teacher conference.
Fox News slammed Beyoncé’s Super Bowl halftime performance because her backup dancers were dressed like Black Panthers, and now some Fox viewers are calling for a boycott of Beyoncé. So it looks like old white guys won’t be buying Beyoncé albums anymore.
Not only was today the New Hampshire primary, it was also National Pizza Day. So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech.
- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
- The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those...Read more
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"
The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, ...Read more
Q: What looks like half a cat?
A: The other half!
Q: What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
Q: If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, What's a tiger?
A: A stri-ped!
Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey ...Read more
What's the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up!
What do you call a wizard who's black and blue all over?
Why do witches wear pointy black hats?
To keep their heads warm!
What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?
What do you get if you cross a river with an ...Read more
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a bee
Buzz off can't you see I'm busy?
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.<...Read more
Donald Trump said this weekend that he feels the Iowa caucus results were “very unfair” to himself and Dr. Ben Carson. Other things Trump considers unfair to him include Google, sidewalks, shoelaces, oxygen, and Dame Judi Dench.
On Saturday ABC News hosted the eighth Republican debate and the big moment was in the beginning, when Ben Carson didn't come out because he couldn't hear his name when he was introduced. It's OK, Ben, we know you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker.