DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally came in an 8-oz can but now comes in a 16-oz can. However, the can is divided in 8 compartments of 2-oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are ...Read more
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9....Read more
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, NASA decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on ...Read more
One evening a small boy comes home confused and concerned. His father enquires as to his problem, where upon the boy looks up to his father, and very matter-of-factly asks "What's politics, Dad?"
"Well you see it is like this son; your mother, she is like the government, she controls everything. You have to do what you are told and have ...Read more
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," ...Read more
While he was in Alaska, President Obama stopped at a cafe and bought out all of their cinnamon rolls for his staff. The staff was like, "Thanks, Obama." And the guy behind him in line was like, "Yeah, thanks Obama."
President Obama is taking over the White House's official Instagram account this week to post pictures of his trip to Alaska. Or to put it another way, President Obama is now your annoying friend on vacation.
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance.
The Knights of Juzhani: The Emerald of the Black CaveBrandon Young
Jimmy is an ordinary kid who is a senior in high school. Except for being a black belt, he is an average kid in every respect, with the same hopes and angst. Little does he know that his life is about to change, starting with his discovery of a strange emerald during his class’s field trip ...
In an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he has no plans to endorse Donald Trump. When asked if he'd have a change of heart, Cheney was like, "Yes, every week."
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out ...Read more
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them...Read more
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success, so he decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against those of General Motors. The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it ...Read more
Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's -- after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial ...Read more
A lot of people are upset that our president is appearing on a reality show. A little over a year from now, we might have a president who hosted a reality show. So get used to it...You know, Donald Trump?
Obama was in Alaska today to raise awareness on climate change and while he was there, he taped an episode of "Running Wild With Bear Grylls" where celebrities eat mice and squirrels and drink bodily fluids. In this one, the president teaches us how to survive alone in the wilderness surrounded by 15 secret service agents disguised as trees.
NBC just announced that President Obama will appear on an episode of “Running Wild With Bear Grylls” later this year. Yeah, I guess the episode features Obama roughing it on a golf course that hasn't been mowed for a couple of days.
The State Department just released another batch of Hillary’s e-mails from when she was Secretary of State. In the e-mails, Hillary asked an aide what time “The Good Wife” was on, how to charge her iPad, and how to get wi-fi. Hillary sounds less like the Secretary of State and more like my mom at a hotel.
How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time:
Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect, phone, ...Read more
A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public Works painting lines down the center of rural roads. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The man agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.
The supervisor checks and ...Read more