ArcaMax

(SET BOLD)Hi.(END BOLD)

Hi! Did you find everything you were looking for in STORE?

(SET BOLD)Yep, thanks. (END BOLD)

Just this shirt for you, then?

(SET BOLD)Mmhmm. (END BOLD)

Soooo cute, girl. What's your email address?

(SET BOLD)Why? (END BOLD)

Are you on file with us here at STORE?

(SET BOLD)Oh, no thanks. I'll just take the top. (END BOLD)

No problem at all, babe. It's just that, if you don't give us an email address, you can't return this. You have to keep it forever, which I'm sure is fine since it's such a superb item that fits right! You definitely look like a Size 4 in the right light. If I squint. With one eye.

(SET BOLD)Actually, it's a gift. So I have to give you an email? (END BOLD)

Yeah, it's for the best if you join our rewards program. You're going to love being a member of STORE.

(SET BOLD)My email address is EMAIL ADDRESS AT GMAIL DOT COM. (END BOLD)

Sorry, did you said E-F-I-F-D-F...

(SET BOLD)No, I said E-M-A-I-L-A-D-D-R-E-S-S-AT-GMAIL-DOT-COM(END BOLD)

Right, got it, girly. So that was F-S-R-T-F-H-D-H-D-AT-YAHOO-DOT-NET?

(SET BOLD)You know what? Sure. (END BOLD)

Phone number?

(SET BOLD)Seriously? (END BOLD)

Zip code?

(SET BOLD)I just want to exchange money for goods. (END BOLD)

We'll get you on your way in no time at all! Do you have WhatsApp, Google Voice, Signal, Threema, Session, Wire, Skype, Zoom, Microsoft Teams, Friendster, MySpace or, like, maybe a dedicated email group for a private book club?

(SET BOLD)Absolutely not. (END BOLD)

I'm telling you, you're going to love getting six emails, five text messages and two emergency flares from us here at STORE every hour.

(SET BOLD)I don't want that. (END BOLD)

But we're besties!!!!

(SET BOLD)Please...(END BOLD)

Birthday?

(SET BOLD)Why do you need my birthday? (END BOLD)

So you don't miss out on our great birthday offers here at STORE, babe. Each year, we send you a coupon for 20 cents off a purchase of $300 or more. Exclusions apply unless you want to go ahead and give us a sample of blood or other DNA material real fast. Our lab is right around the corner near our new summer activewear. Three licensed professional nurses are on standby.

(SET BOLD)I will never come back here. (END BOLD)

Oh, yes, you will.

(SET BOLD)That sounded threatening. (END BOLD)

Girl, no! Girl! Girl, we got you! Girl! Babe! Girl!!!

(SET BOLD)Can I go? (END BOLD)

Just one more thing. I'll need you to place your finger on this pad so we can capture your print. And then just focus your retina right here on this red laser and try not to blink. You're only going to feel a gentle pressure for a quick 30 seconds or so, but it shouldn't do much damage to your cornea.

(SET BOLD)I'm getting the $@%& out of here, keep the shirt. (END BOLD)

But babe! You forgot to spit in the tube! Girl! Babe! Wait!

========

Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

----

Copyright 2026 Creators Syndicate Inc.