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Apologizing My Way Through Appendicitis

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

My absent hunger was the first sign something was wrong. Normally, even when I'm physically full, the suggestion of, say, a gooey cookie will open a vacancy in my stomach.

This fateful day, though, I skipped breakfast, and then headed to lunch with a co-worker.

"Huh," I thought. Every bit of bread and cheese and chia on the menu sounded ...Read more

The Big Babies Are Afraid of Rainbow Bridges Now

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

June is upon us, which means it's time to prepare for summertime truths. Hurricane season looms, science fiction-style bugs will scamper into the house and most of us will be captive inside a Target during at least one thunderstorm.

But please be aware of the biggest seasonal risk: Rapidly increasing temperatures will render a bunch of ...Read more

Make Restaurant Food Ugly Again

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Since there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, here are a few new restaurant concepts:

THE BEIGE BOWL; MMM MONOCHROME; HORIZONTALLY PLATED.

Sure, the proprietor will have to lowercase random letters or add a pointless "z." They can paint a mural of angel wings near the bathroom and sell distressed logo tees with ampersands in heritage fonts....Read more

Scary Campfire Stories for Middle Age

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Gather round, summer campers. Hey, Braden. Put that stick down. The marshmallows are for s'mores, not for stuffing in your... Br... BRADEN. Can someone get him to... Lance! Can you go get Lance from the commissary? I know he's setting up for friendship bracelets, but. Please, just... OK, thank you.

Anyway. Get over here, campers, for it is ...Read more

Inside Kirstie Alley's Estate Sale, an Eclectic Life Emerges

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Past stacks of melamine dishes, a baroque dog bed and a Lucite stand that once held a Golden Globe, there it was. Kirstie Alley's yellow bike.

I'd seen her atop it long ago, riding on the Pinellas Trail in Florida. She was tooling around alone with a certain lightness. I remember thinking, huh. The late "Cheers" alum, the comic star with the ...Read more

Navigating the Bloodbath of Mosquito Season

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The morning of the reaping, I was so smug.

I thought: Have fun at your meetings, suckers of the corporate macrocosm, for I have chosen the life of a voyager. I set off into the outdoors to report for a future column, details I will reserve for now. The journey involved hiking less than 2 miles through Honeymoon Island State Park in Dunedin, ...Read more

Testing a Driverless Future in a Tesla

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

There are times when I want to move into a cottage and scold neighborhood children, wagging a crooked finger because their revolutionary ways scare me. Then there are times when I welcome the inevitable robot apocalypse, wishing artificial intelligence would just take over already. Yes, fine, yes, gather my data, tell me what to do, image-...Read more

The Timeless Satisfaction of the Middle Finger

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Anyone who sits through enough public meetings knows the audience archetypes.

There are the single-issue visitors. There are the agitators who make a scene for attention and clicks. And there are the gadflies, the regular customers whose presence is so predictable you wonder if they should look into other hobbies. Woodworking, maybe? Birding?...Read more

Kids Are Smarter Than Us, and Other Facts on Social Media Bans

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Come, come into my awkward live chat. Let's discuss social media as moderators bounce the bots, incels and meatheads from the comments.

I am writing this guide as a columnist, which means I am allowed to have an opinion, much to the envy of my more formal news colleagues who must sit around holiday tables of ham and lamb cakes remarking, "...Read more

Pollen, Cold or COVID? Let's Play Spring Mad Libs

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

During an (adjective) stroll through the park on a sunny March, I was overcome by a series of violent (nouns).

The (gerund, look it up) would not relent. I peered into the trees above. (Nature noun), just truckloads of (same noun), falling out of every branch, (same noun) painting with all the colors of the wind. In my hair. In my nose. In my...Read more

 

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