Someone recently asked: Have you been to the beach lately?
No, I said. Despite living in a peninsular county in the peninsular state of Florida, I don't really go to the beach. The sun hurts my skin, which resembles the cadaverous husk of an 18th-century European farm woman who gathers eggs while wearing four babushkas. Once on the beach, I ...Read more
Each year, the Girl Scouts of America emerge from their campgrounds and crafty shadows to remind the people of this nation that some things are still good and true. Young ladies care about the community and the environment. They can learn to become confident leaders while conquering the tricky mountain of girl-girl social relations.
Also: ...Read more
I thought about death in Applebee's. Where the Maroon 5 flows as freely as the margarita mix. Where burgers are cooked "pink or no pink." Where the waffle fries aren't the only thing getting loaded.
Yes, Applebee's, the nation's gaudy corporate house of camaraderie and savings. Inelegant, loud, the butt of many jokes. Few like to admit they ...Read more
An unhinged theory flying around this country, a silly widdle country, is that the United States government has secretly installed Taylor Swift as a psyop, or a psychological operative. This fringe conspiracy, given legs on all the media platforms one might suspect, posits that the Pentagon has orchestrated a spangly, leotarded plot to win the...Read more
ALL-STAFF MEMO FROM THE OFFICE OF FLORIDA GOV. RON DESANTIS
Subject: One-pager of tips and talking points for the governor's reunification with Florida
(SET BOLD) Goals (END BOLD)
Gov. DeSantis has suspended his presidential campaign after realizing Iowa is cold, but not chill. Floridians waited with perverse curiosity to see if he might ...Read more
This is not a dead pet column. Honest. The bar for a dead pet column should be quite high. If every American writer spun prose when their pets died, readers would be left with nothing else. Who would be available to write a take about what Selena Gomez whispered to Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes? Who would make sense of our night terrors ...Read more
Great news for any creatives itching to appropriate a wholly specific, old-timey version of Mickey Mouse without legal woes. "Steamboat Willie," a short film featuring an early incarnation of Disney's scampering icon, has entered the United States public domain along with other expired copyrights (hunker down, fans of "Lady Chatterley's Lover"...Read more
If you are resuming responsibilities after a holiday spent flopping around like a southern elephant seal who subsists on Toblerone, Christmas ale and cream soup casseroles, I am deeply sorry.
Because not only does the first week of January signal an end to a culturally agreed-upon period of fantasy, it draws out the most diametrically opposed...Read more
Since the dawn of my Type-B existence, I have been a strong proponent of taking it easy around the new year. The population gets hyper come January, frantically trying to become leaner, cleaner, clearer, richer and smarter atop a firm December base of caramel brittle and honey ham.
Meanwhile, all the corporations are peering out from behind ...Read more
Is "Die Hard" a Christmas movie? Sure. OK. Yeah. It's set at Christmas. There's a dead guy in an elevator with a Santa hat. It's me. I'm that guy.
Is a hot dog a sandwich? I guess. It's meat between bread, so, yeah, whatever. Sometimes in the early hours of the morning I'll put my whole head inside my blanket and pretend I am a tiny troll ...Read more
'Tis the season to spear cubes of wet potato salad from a paper plate while extracting small talk about anything other than work. Sounds simple and fun?
Wrong! Nothing this time of year is simple and fun! An office holiday potluck is an employee Rorschach test, a team sport that lays bare its star players, benchwarmers and all levels in ...Read more
As of this writing, I'm wearing my holiday cat shirt from the dark underworld of Kohl's. It has a hidden button that plays "Oh, Christmas Tree" in cat meows. On the patio, my spouse has deposited 16 different plastic tubs with THINGS in them. You know, things. Christmas things. Trees and tinsels and ornaments and little snowmen that sit on ...Read more
While innocent Americans were minding their own business Thursday night, Danny Zuko raced Leo "Craterface" Balmudo, the leader of rival greaser gang The Scorpions, for pink slips at Thunder Road. No, that's not...
Oh, right, I blocked it out. Actually, some of us masochists hunkered down to witness "The Great Red vs. Blue State Debate" on Fox...Read more