Christmas Is Canceled; Instead, Choose One of These Holidays

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

With the hot dogs and white pants of Labor Day a speck in the distance last week, news outlets informed everyone that Christmas was 100 days away.

First of all, how dare they.

Second of all, it was mere moments before consumer panic set in. Retail experts proclaimed that we MUST. START. SHOPPING. NOW. We will have no gifts otherwise. The ...Read more

Eating Dinner at 3 p.m. Will Turn This Pandemic Around

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I have solved the pandemic!

I have not solved the pandemic.

Caveat: This solution is for those who have done their part by getting vaccinated and masking. They are trying to live responsibly while chaos continues to rain down like frogs in the Book of Exodus. These people are neither hermits nor are they sharing King Cones with ...Read more

How 9/11 Turned Millennials Into Adults

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Teenagers have stumbled toward independence in every generation, a hallmark of American pluck. One minute, they're kids. Then a clock ticks, and they're free to open credit cards, get married, stay out past midnight or not come home at all.

Most of us remember that cocktail of freedom and courage. But what happens when it coincides with the sky...Read more

The Name 'Carl' Is Under Attack. One Carl Wants To Defend Its Honor.

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Carl contacted me. Not just any Carl. Carl.

Carl was minding his business at home in Hilton Head, South Carolina, when a cousin sent him a link to one of my columns. The piece was about COVID-19 service delays, from deliveries to airlines. One of the jokes:

"Due to COVID-19, the drive-thru might be slower than usual. To be honest, our...Read more

Due to COVID-19, Please Expect Delays for the Rest of Your Life

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Disclaimers from websites and businesses during the fourth wave of COVID-19...

Please note:

Due to COVID-19, we are experiencing longer delivery times. Your item will arrive within one to 4,357 weeks, with an outside possibility it never comes at all.

Due to COVID-19, parts of your order may be different than what you selected. For ...Read more

Disney Is Charging To Skip the Line, and I'm Misdirecting Rage

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

There's always a breaking point, isn't there? The world is a septic tank, but you're doing okay numbing with food, substances or online shopping. Then, something relatively meaningless happens -- unexpected pickles on your chicken sandwich -- and it flips the switch.

It's not about the sandwich, but the sandwich is a release valve for impotent ...Read more

How Do We Handle the Hopelessness?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Remember back in 1870 when we rode in horse-drawn carriages and wrote letters with quills and the coronavirus pandemic started? We said stuff like, "If we get through this year, it'll be a miracle!" And we made bread and wore stretch pants, which was cute for a bit.

Not anymore! Each morning, my eyes pop open and I ask the heavens: Is this a ...Read more

It's Time To Get a COVID-19 Vaccine if You've Done These Things

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Well, here we are. It's like asking a kid to empty the dishwasher. The kid stalls and whines, and you say, "You could have been done already, but you spent so much time complaining that now we're fighting, and the dishes are still in there."

Willfully unvaccinated people have hastened the spread of the mutated, more contagious delta variant, ...Read more

Stop Trying To Make 'Office Bod' Happen and Try These Workplace Habits

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Bloomberg recently published a piece on Americans trying to get in shape before heading back to the office. It used the words "sausage casing" and explored how weight loss industries are booming.

It went over like an ice cube in hell. In no time, "Office Bod" was trending with resounding mockery, amid the last gasps of our moribund diet and ...Read more

Making Your Delta Sky Miles Count for Space Tourism

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Hi, and welcome to the Delta American Express Space Tourism Reserve Card.

Enclosed, you will find your exciting new credit card and all the benefits it conveys! Thank you for agreeing to the annual fee of $1.7 billion. That may seem high, but when you do the math, it works out in your favor.

Congratulations on securing 750,000 bonus miles, ...Read more

To My Laundry Chair: I Couldn't Have Done It Without You

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

For years, we had a lovely furniture showpiece in the bedroom. The microfiber chair from Crate and Barrel was royal blue, plush, with matching throw pillows. And for years, we did not set eyes on this chair, let alone sit in it.

Why? You know why. It was the Laundry Chair. Maybe you pretend not to have one. Perhaps you shove the laundry into a ...Read more

Help, I'm Addicted to Pop It! Fidget Toys! Why do These Exist?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

If you have kids or TikTok, you know about Pop It! Yes, the brand name ends with an exclamation point, so I hope you like zesty punctuation!!!

The toy is an endless bit of bubble wrap in a molded tray. Once you pop one side, flip it and pop the other. Knockoffs galore come in shapes such as Unicorn, Rainbow and Dereliction of Daily Duties. You'...Read more

This Summer, Beware the Wet Families in Hotel Lobbies

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Summer vacations are full of hazards. Red tide. Jellyfish. College coeds drinking High Noons. Older people drinking High Noons, before heading to the room for an antacid.

But no threat is as pervasive, as deadly, as unsettling as this:

Wet Families.

Did you just shudder? Wrap a light scarf around your shoulders? You know what I'm talking ...Read more



9 Chickweed Lane Nest Heads Dogs of C-Kennel Herb and Jamaal Clay Bennett Andy Marlette