Acute panic accompanies a blank page, so I almost never use one. It's a mental trick. You see, I write columns in one contiguous Google document of half-shaped paragraphs and ideas, a grotesque prose jabberwocky that eventually grows too bloated to function.
My previous document got to 629 pages and 127,000 words before it froze. My current ...Read more
Look, it is impossible to get motivated about anything when there's new confirmed evidence of a supermassive black hole in the center of the galaxy. "Event Horizon" is not just a Sam Neill movie, and I'm not OK!
How is anyone supposed to get work done? Here, read this absolutely harrowing paragraph from The New York Times:
"Astronomers ...Read more
For those who want to get pregnant, it turns out waiting rooms are something out of a glossy sitcom. Swanky velvet seats and gold vases, HGTV bleating from screens, gleeful success stories tacked to walls. No protesters. No shame.
But reproduction is scary territory and so, to me, was this. A fear of waiting rooms is only natural.
I've never ...Read more
H-h-hey everybody! It's me, Mickey Mouse!
Say, you want to come inside my clubhouse? Well, allllright!
Oh, boy! Let's have some fun! Let's pretend nothing bad is going on, OK, everybody? I don't like to complain, because if you can dream it, you can do it! But I've had a rough couple of weeks, hoo-hoo! Not so swell, to be honest!
My attorney,...Read more
You may have heard Elon Musk is trying to buy Twitter for $46.5 billion, the way Veruca Salt demanded cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts so good you could go nuts. You also may have heard financial terms such as "tender offer" and "poison pill" bandied about, because apparently publicly traded companies are structured on riddles...Read more
The Peppa Pig cinema was the Elysium of this theme park, a respite from chaos not unlike the cartoon itself. Sweaty parents filtered into a dark, cool room and thrust bags of Froot Loops upon their children, slumped over beanbag chairs.
Peppa Pig played on a big screen. Specifically, "Digging Up The Road," an episode in which Peppa's family ...Read more
I accidentally uttered this recently while trying to say "procrastination." It was a Freudian slip, less a regressive childhood parapraxis and more a trauma related to the Internal Revenue Service, as one has. However, this slip revealed an abiding truth.
See, paying taxes puts the FUN in functional society, and I've never ...Read more
It is time for the worst holiday of the year. Not Tax Day, nor Columbus Day, nor Talk Like a Pirate Day, nor National Pickle Day. The pestilence at hand is April Fool's Day.
This is not the first time I've ranted about the awfulness of April Fool's Day, and by golly, it will not be the last. I might run for office just to push some Marco Rubio-...Read more
I have elegant friends who consume Oscar movies as if defending a master's thesis. One such pal recently turned down a lunch invitation because she had to get home to watch three films to stay on schedule for this Sunday's 94th Academy Awards. Which movies, I asked? She pulled out a detailed phone index and said something about Denzel Washington...Read more
I used to dress well, the way an extroverted retiree in Boca dresses well. I've always favored glitter, animal prints, big jewelry, faux fur, highly sculptural hair and anything that resembles a peignoir. While I admire chic, minimalist style -- for instance, a bare-faced French woman in an olive-green sack dress riding a vintage bike...Read more
Welcome, drivers. Have you noticed it costs approximately one IKEA dresser to fill a car with gas? Have you stood at the pump, gaping at the number as if witnessing a rhinoceros birth? Have you read several wonky deep dives on oil price determinants and wished you'd spent less time in economics class imagining fancy lady heads in the gum stuck ...Read more
As humans try to get by in 2022, we must be conversant in global affairs, the former Soviet Union, mRNA vaccines, climate change, "culture wars," giant invasive spiders, baseball lockouts, "Euphoria," governors gone wild and whatever is going on with Kanye West.
When the inevitable topics of cryptocurrency, NFTs or the metaverse come up, it is ...Read more
The world is in a crisis as Russia attacks Ukraine. It's heartbreaking to watch people flee amid explosions and violence. And it's normal to feel helpless and drawn to say something, anything, to show we care.
That, unfortunately, brings us to celebrities. Take that feeling of unease and multiply it a thousandfold, and you will know the ...Read more