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'The Bluest Eye' Is the Latest Victim of the Thought Police

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The Barnes & Noble clerk eyed the stack of paperbacks I slid toward the register. Four copies of "The Bluest Eye," rounding out the other two I'd just purchased at another store.

"Enjoy your... large amount of Toni Morrison," he said.

I told him that the Pinellas County school district, where I live in Florida, had just banned the book from ...Read more

Tom Brady Washed Up At 45? Welcome to the Life of a Woman.

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' season came tumbling down Monday night, hot takes about old Tom Brady started flying. And I do mean old.

Everyone was making fun of his age, a decrepit, dusty 45. Get back in the crypt, Tom! A New York Magazine headline read: "Tom Brady Is a Rickety Old Man Still Chasing the Dragon." Shazam! Tampa Bay Times ...Read more

No Diets, No Dry January, No Stress: Gentle January Is Here

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Welcome, fellow Type Bs, to the dark side.

We find ourselves smack in the middle of hyperactivity heaven. January is the Olympics for Type As, prime time for people who use color-coded day planners, who slot time for "relaxation" on vacation spreadsheets, who eat the same macronutrients all week, packed each Sunday in depressing Tupperware.

...Read more

Things I Am Leaving In 2022

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Does your back hurt? Is it from carrying the weight of 2022, as the joke goes? Or is it a structural problem involving ligaments and discs? Either way, we are heading into a new year, and as such, it is time to lighten the proverbial load.

Here are some things I am choosing to leave in 2022.

Negativity. Well, not all negativity. I'm definitely...Read more

Dating Profiles for Generic Holiday Gifts

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The following are five dating profiles written by last-minute holiday gifts looking for a loving partnership this season.

WHISKEY STONES

Hi! I am a set of six soapstone cubes designed to cool liquor without watering it down. I'm looking for a stable home and a drink, lol! No, literally, that's my whole thing. Anyway, I said I'd swear off ...Read more

Holiday Gift Exchange Rules for Misanthropes

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

My family received a surprising number of gift exchange invites this year. I RSVP'd by lowering my spectacles and telling Bob Cratchit to fetch the coal scuttle.

At some point, I forgot how any of this works. The ongoing Triple COVID Mega Flus have mentally erased a preponderance of minor social customs. I already screwed up and told my stepkid...Read more

I've Got Some Questions About Christmas Gnomes

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I have an urgent question: Where did all these gnomes come from?

I'm talking gift-shop gnomes, not garden gnomes. Soft and haunted. Oversized, conical Christmas hats covering everything but their bulbous noses and snowy ZZ Top beards. Bodies thick like baked potatoes. The thin, floppy lower extremities of someone who has skipped leg day for ...Read more

Kohl's Is Trying to Kill Me

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Picture me at the Kohl's register about to lose my last two marbles, moments away from being enshrined on the internet as a lady who has melted down inside a Kohl's on a Friday night when she should be doing anything else with her one wild and precious life. Yet here she is. In Kohl's.

I hate Kohl's! And it's not like, "Oh, please, what did ...Read more

Reasons To Be Thankful, Big and Small

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Gratitude is a difficult emotion to force. Plus, it's rude to make people think fast when they are trying to fit a whole yam casserole in their mouth holes. When pressed to offer thanks around a holiday table, most folks will say something generic like, "family," or "good health," when in actuality they are not that thankful for their ...Read more

What's the Worst Month, and Why Is It November?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

November is a weird one, folks. I used to think August was the worst month, but after reviewing recent data that has surfaced from a pile of Smarties wrappers on my desk, I think I could be wrong.

October is one big, avoidant costume party backed by organ music. In October, people fill car trunks with mini Snickers and park outside schools, ...Read more

Sadomasochistic Ways to Watch the Midterm Election Returns

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Every two years following a presidential election, the non-reigning party rages into the high school dance wielding crowbars like it's the finale of "Footloose" (truly, a surprisingly violent film). The '80s bullies are certain of victory. They perch atop classic cars, shotgunning Coors and flashing jazz hands. This mayhem that unfolds neatly as...Read more

 

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