Testing a Driverless Future in a Tesla

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

There are times when I want to move into a cottage and scold neighborhood children, wagging a crooked finger because their revolutionary ways scare me. Then there are times when I welcome the inevitable robot apocalypse, wishing artificial intelligence would just take over already. Yes, fine, yes, gather my data, tell me what to do, image-...Read more

The Timeless Satisfaction of the Middle Finger

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Anyone who sits through enough public meetings knows the audience archetypes.

There are the single-issue visitors. There are the agitators who make a scene for attention and clicks. And there are the gadflies, the regular customers whose presence is so predictable you wonder if they should look into other hobbies. Woodworking, maybe? Birding?...Read more

Kids Are Smarter Than Us, and Other Facts on Social Media Bans

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Come, come into my awkward live chat. Let's discuss social media as moderators bounce the bots, incels and meatheads from the comments.

I am writing this guide as a columnist, which means I am allowed to have an opinion, much to the envy of my more formal news colleagues who must sit around holiday tables of ham and lamb cakes remarking, "...Read more

Pollen, Cold or COVID? Let's Play Spring Mad Libs

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

During an (adjective) stroll through the park on a sunny March, I was overcome by a series of violent (nouns).

The (gerund, look it up) would not relent. I peered into the trees above. (Nature noun), just truckloads of (same noun), falling out of every branch, (same noun) painting with all the colors of the wind. In my hair. In my nose. In my...Read more

How To Tell if You're Too Old To Be President

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Let's talk about it: Are Joe Biden and Donald Trump too old to be president? I don't know. Maybe? Probably! They're 81 and 77. Biden is already the oldest sitting president. A win would crown either man the oldest newly elected president, a record slightly less exciting than "world's largest serving of guacamole."

Their advanced ages reflect ...Read more

How To Watch All 10 Oscar Movies in a Week

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Every year, I declare the same intention the way a tragic 1990s comic strip lady says, "Diet starts Monday!"

I say, "I am going to watch all 10 nominees for best picture at the Academy Awards!" I prepare to rest my chin on my fist at living room parties, to wax on about storytelling nuance and low-angle framing, to sneer, "Well, you know how ...Read more

This Is the Time of Year To Touch Grass

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Someone recently asked: Have you been to the beach lately?

No, I said. Despite living in a peninsular county in the peninsular state of Florida, I don't really go to the beach. The sun hurts my skin, which resembles the cadaverous husk of an 18th-century European farm woman who gathers eggs while wearing four babushkas. Once on the beach, I ...Read more

In Defense of the Trefoil, a Perfect Girl Scout Cookie

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Each year, the Girl Scouts of America emerge from their campgrounds and crafty shadows to remind the people of this nation that some things are still good and true. Young ladies care about the community and the environment. They can learn to become confident leaders while conquering the tricky mountain of girl-girl social relations.

Also: ...Read more

We Need to Talk About Death and Applebee's

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I thought about death in Applebee's. Where the Maroon 5 flows as freely as the margarita mix. Where burgers are cooked "pink or no pink." Where the waffle fries aren't the only thing getting loaded.

Yes, Applebee's, the nation's gaudy corporate house of camaraderie and savings. Inelegant, loud, the butt of many jokes. Few like to admit they ...Read more

If Taylor Swift is a Biden Psyop, Can We Just Have Healthcare?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

An unhinged theory flying around this country, a silly widdle country, is that the United States government has secretly installed Taylor Swift as a psyop, or a psychological operative. This fringe conspiracy, given legs on all the media platforms one might suspect, posits that the Pentagon has orchestrated a spangly, leotarded plot to win the...Read more

Tip Sheet for Ron DeSantis Upon Returning to Florida

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /


Subject: One-pager of tips and talking points for the governor's reunification with Florida


Gov. DeSantis has suspended his presidential campaign after realizing Iowa is cold, but not chill. Floridians waited with perverse curiosity to see if he might ...Read more

I Swear This Is Not a Column About My Dead Cat

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

This is not a dead pet column. Honest. The bar for a dead pet column should be quite high. If every American writer spun prose when their pets died, readers would be left with nothing else. Who would be available to write a take about what Selena Gomez whispered to Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes? Who would make sense of our night terrors ...Read more



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