If Only the Michelangelo Mess in a Florida School Was Surprising

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

By now, you've heard that Michelangelo's "David" has visited Florida's hellish political bloodbath, a place David probably never meant to hang out. Though it is ironic that he's the one who slayed a Philistine giant.

David. You know Dave? King of Judah, regular dude. Kept sheep, played a sick harp, killed Goliath, that kind of thing. David was ...Read more

Did Millennials or Gen X Drink Water Growing Up? An Investigation.

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

When I reflect on my childhood in the context of beverages, I primarily remember two things: Kool-Aid and Tang.

These 1980s staples were not the portrait of "wellness," a cursed word we'll explore more momentarily. But they were my drinks. I was lactose intolerant as a child (this is off to a cool, sexy start) so I had juice most of the time ...Read more

Florida Is Being Run By 1980s Movie Bullies

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Everybody cut the sleeves off your jean jackets? Pressed your double-breasted blazers? Hung an unlit cigarette between your lips? We got 60 consecutive days to rule the school, and there's no time to waste.

We, a coalition of movie bullies from the 1980s, hereby open Florida's legislative session. I, Biff Tannen from the "Back to the Future" ...Read more

Blahs and Bad Dreams in the Pandemic's Fourth Year

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

For as long as my mushy cerebral cortex has had folds, I've been blessed (or cursed) with vivid dreams. In them, my subconscious tends to take on actions I avoid in real life. For instance, I am a pretty low-conflict person. I don't enjoy fighting, and I can't remember the last time I yelled at another human. I am more likely to bottle feelings,...Read more

Underboob and Floss: Wherefore Art Thou Swimsuits?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

We sat in the lobby of a swank apartment complex deep into an analysis of a radical Polish vegetarian murder mystery. The glam high rise came with a pool deck full of regulation hotties.

Our book club faced the hottie pool during the discussion of lighthearted romp "Drive Your Plow Over the Bones of the Dead." Between bites of cream cheese and ...Read more

Goat Yoga and More Things I'm Deinfluencing

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Have you heard about the trend of deinfluencing?

First, let's assume you know about influencing. People with online audiences recommend products, vacations, restaurants and anything con$umable, sometimes for money or gifts. Yes, I am describing advertising, but the vibes are different when social media enters the fray. A social influencer is ...Read more

Watching "80 for Brady," the Super Bowl of Schlock

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Superhero movies tend to conclude with a stinger, an extra bit of film that teases a forthcoming plot development. Thanos has laid waste to the globe, for example, and only Carol Danvers can help. These morsels keep us coming back for more ... sels ...

Thanos -- I mean Tom Brady -- is at it again. SPOILER. SPOILER. SPOILER. At the end of the 98...Read more

Pay Attention, All States, to This Comprehensive List of Florida's Freedoms

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Open daily news, cue cartoon eyeballs and "awooga" noise, but not in the sexy way. There, now you know the sensation of trying to keep up with the whiplash of proposals in Florida, a state that governor and likely presidential candidate Ron DeSantis has said is "serving strongly as freedom's linchpin."

Yes, very free! Pay attention, other ...Read more

'The Bluest Eye' Is the Latest Victim of the Thought Police

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The Barnes & Noble clerk eyed the stack of paperbacks I slid toward the register. Four copies of "The Bluest Eye," rounding out the other two I'd just purchased at another store.

"Enjoy your... large amount of Toni Morrison," he said.

I told him that the Pinellas County school district, where I live in Florida, had just banned the book from ...Read more

Tom Brady Washed Up At 45? Welcome to the Life of a Woman.

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

When the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' season came tumbling down Monday night, hot takes about old Tom Brady started flying. And I do mean old.

Everyone was making fun of his age, a decrepit, dusty 45. Get back in the crypt, Tom! A New York Magazine headline read: "Tom Brady Is a Rickety Old Man Still Chasing the Dragon." Shazam! Tampa Bay Times ...Read more

No Diets, No Dry January, No Stress: Gentle January Is Here

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Welcome, fellow Type Bs, to the dark side.

We find ourselves smack in the middle of hyperactivity heaven. January is the Olympics for Type As, prime time for people who use color-coded day planners, who slot time for "relaxation" on vacation spreadsheets, who eat the same macronutrients all week, packed each Sunday in depressing Tupperware.

...Read more

Things I Am Leaving In 2022

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Does your back hurt? Is it from carrying the weight of 2022, as the joke goes? Or is it a structural problem involving ligaments and discs? Either way, we are heading into a new year, and as such, it is time to lighten the proverbial load.

Here are some things I am choosing to leave in 2022.

Negativity. Well, not all negativity. I'm definitely...Read more



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