Free Ideas for Restaurants

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

We are all unimpeachable business owners in our fantasies, right? We are business geniuses! For instance, my imaginary restaurant has three Michelin stars and sandwiches under $10. The workers are paid ethical wages and tipping is not a confusing moral gymnastics act. The chips and salsa are unlimited, and no, it is not a taco spot.

I leave ...Read more

I'm Sorry, but It's Halloween Now

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Do you ever look up and realize you are standing in the middle of a fully functioning Spirit Halloween? Do you ever find yourself on a woefully sweaty day on another endless afternoon shimmering in the sun's punishing gas, looking at Pennywise costumes for a small dog? Do you ever ask yourself, how did I get here, studying a "possessed nun ...Read more

Staying Cool While the Oceans Are Boiling

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

You may have noticed it's a touch, hmm, sultry out. Maybe it's the persistent low-grade headache. Or the palpable lack of motivation to accomplish a single task. Or the way your dog, forced outside for 30 seconds, glares up in an uncanny Jack Nicholson impersonation.

In these dark days of repeated temperature advisories from the National ...Read more

Are Inflatable Pools Miserable or a Balm to the Heat Wave?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The aquatic aisle at Target is a hall of absurdities, a gallery of blissful summer fantasies that shall never come to pass. Or shall they?

Consider the photos on inflatable swimming pool boxes. The children politely pass each other a ball. The parents are coiffed, calm and void of August pit sweat. The grass is plastic turf, and as such, ...Read more

The Secret Joys of Nosebleed Seats

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

We rode among the masses of sequined jumpsuits and fringed cowgirl hats, ascending multiple escalators to the peak of the stadium. The sky greeted us with breathtaking shades of purple and gold, a Bob Ross painting sprung to life.

Welcome, the sky said. You are in the 300s. You are home.

We stepped off at the top into a ...Read more

How to Win an Election

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

It's time to catch up on the current events compost pail -- don't look, it's still banana peels! Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis' campaign has pledged a "reset" after a no-good, very bad recent streak.

To review: The campaign cut more than a third of staffers, including one who (aggrieved sigh) shared and possibly created a meme with a Nazi symbol....Read more

Hey, Aliens, Are You Sure You Want to Come Here?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Maybe you heard, or maybe you didn't, that extraterrestrial life is back in the terrestrial spotlight. Anyone could be forgiven if the news went overhead like a Balloon Boy who was never there. TikToker Jordan Howlett said it best when he explained that, at this juncture in the daily news cycle, he is better able to process the recipe for ...Read more

To Become One with Nature, You Need These 47 Essentials

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Halfway into our family river hike through the Narrows in Zion National Park, an activity ominously described in all the guidebooks as "walking on wet bowling balls" -- but so worth it, and so stunning! -- the cloudless skies produced a sunbeam of thoughts:

No. 1: Why? Why? Why? No. 2: If we turn around now, we still have to hike four miles ...Read more

Disaster Snacks, Ranked

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Friendly message if you live in a perpetual CONE OF UNCERTAINTY. One, I am sorry and right there with you looking at real estate prices in landlocked states and considering a pastoral life in which I grow corn and, I guess, develop an all-encompassing fear of tornadoes. Related: Where do they not have natural disasters?

Two, and more ...Read more

Cleaning Up So Contractors Like Me

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Tell me why I loaded the dishwasher before "Brian" came over.

Tell me why I cannot welcome any contractor from any home repair company to simply analyze drywall cracks, inspect the foundation and offer one of three estimates without worrying about how the stupid little interior of the house looks, the least of my problems.

Tell me why I am ...Read more

Nonnegotiable Rules for Summer

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The following rules for summer are nonnegotiable. Please observe them to the letter, or management reserves the right to remove you from the premises and send you to live in Jacksonville, Florida.

If you see something mysterious floating onshore, the first thing to do is panic. Assume the worst. It is probably aliens, or at the very least, ...Read more

On July 4 in America, What Could Go Wrong?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Summer holidays, with their sun-soaked hijinks and paranoia, loaded potato skins and baked-in fear of bodily harm, can get confusing.

Let's take the upcoming Fourth of July festivities. For example, is my neighbor lighting a celebratory roadside explosive to mark American independence, or is he firing 30 rounds at the pool guy?

Did a handful...Read more

Summer Reading List 2023: Books for When You Can't Focus

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

It's the briny armpit of another June. The presidential race already reeks like an abandoned diaper. The orcas might be organizing? The "Barbie" movie is tragically not out yet. The stream of online Pomeranian content never ends.

Add in the daily toll of work, home repairs, summer camps, appointments with loan officers: Where does this leave ...Read more



John Branch Rhymes with Orange Rick McKee Zits David Fitzsimmons John Cole