I Alone Know the Correct Temperature on the Thermostat
Relationship wisdom develops gradually, blooming as the astringent tannins of life soften. Say, for example, both parties have previously loved, lost and been through enough professional counseling to sedate a wild boar. Now older and wiser, they have settled into the kind of second-time-around partnership in which no hurdle seems that high.
A Letter to America from Inside Florida
We need to talk, rest of the country. Stop what you're doing and read this, especially if what you're doing is typing a mean internet comment about Florida.
Recently, three Tampa restaurants were awarded coveted Michelin stars, which is what happens when, I think, a cartoon guy made of tires decides he likes the food? Exciting for our region!...Read more
Dear Graduates: Here's What No One Tells You
To this year's graduating classes, shaking hands with deans and principals, crying with friends you swear to never forget, perched on the precipice of discovery: Here's what no one tells you.
Life is pretty boring.
This isn't the typical wisdom of speeches packed with positive and negative terminals, mistakes and triumphs. Sure, the highs ...Read more
The Guilt Spiral of Tipping in 2023
Much goes unsaid between customers and workers, an icy chasm between "We have Pepsi products; is that OK?" and "Get home safe!" Therein writhes a silent disco of pain, I am telling you.
You see, America decided to let people pay each other on a system of vibes and vibes alone. We really said, "Strangers shall make wage assessments over a $14 ...Read more
Requiem for Bed Bath & Beyond
Goodbye to Bed Bath & Beyond.
Goodbye to yet another American corporate comfort that just couldn't hang, filing for bankruptcy protection and falling to rest near brethren Toys "R" Us, Tuesday Morning, Stein Mart and Sports Authority. Goodbye to a big-box retail wonderland woefully behind the times, lost to the couch-surfing ease of internet ...Read more
Drag Is Awesome. Callous Legislators Should Check It Out.
It makes complete sense that the acerbic wit drag queens are known for shelling out onstage has been lost on the humorless townspeople from a Nathaniel Hawthorne novel who run some of these state legislatures.
Does this sound like you? Are you a Republican lawmaker emulating the Lord's kindness by calling transgender people mutants? Are you ...Read more
Are You There, God? 'Margaret' Is Right on Time Amid Book Bans
Spouting spoilers when it comes to "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" is a minor sin at most, given how many bedroom pillows the book has been wedged beneath for decades. All former adolescent readers, myself included, know the joy of slumping against a mall wall or tucking under a blanket, engrossed in a story that feels like a shot of ...Read more
Let Swifties Have Their Joy!
They say comparison is the thief of joy, but you know what else is a thief of joy? Thieves of joy!
Joy thievery is an occupation, a volunteer-based paramilitary calling with many dedicated adherents. Everyone has met a Joy Thief, one who believes so strongly in their own cultural correctitude, their own precious coolness that they expend ...Read more
ChatGPT Pickup Lines to Land Your Next Date
It has come to my attention that people are using artificial intelligence bot service ChatGPT to write wedding vows. According to The New York Times, some future spouses, bridesmaids and groomsmen are also paying $30 for a service called ToastWiz to generate three original speeches.
This is ridiculous and terrifying for the future of mankind ...Read more
If Only the Michelangelo Mess in a Florida School Was Surprising
By now, you've heard that Michelangelo's "David" has visited Florida's hellish political bloodbath, a place David probably never meant to hang out. Though it is ironic that he's the one who slayed a Philistine giant.
David. You know Dave? King of Judah, regular dude. Kept sheep, played a sick harp, killed Goliath, that kind of thing. David was ...Read more
Did Millennials or Gen X Drink Water Growing Up? An Investigation.
When I reflect on my childhood in the context of beverages, I primarily remember two things: Kool-Aid and Tang.
These 1980s staples were not the portrait of "wellness," a cursed word we'll explore more momentarily. But they were my drinks. I was lactose intolerant as a child (this is off to a cool, sexy start) so I had juice most of the time ...Read more
Florida Is Being Run By 1980s Movie Bullies
Everybody cut the sleeves off your jean jackets? Pressed your double-breasted blazers? Hung an unlit cigarette between your lips? We got 60 consecutive days to rule the school, and there's no time to waste.
We, a coalition of movie bullies from the 1980s, hereby open Florida's legislative session. I, Biff Tannen from the "Back to the Future" ...Read more