Is it a Cold or COVID-19, and Will I Ever Escape This Mental Prison?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Thanks to the omicron variant, there are roughly 70 flagrillion cases of COVID-19 in the country.

Omicron is breaking through vaccines, though it bears repeating ONE! MORE! TIME! that vaccines and boosters are reducing symptoms and saving lives, and everyone should get jabbed, if possible. Also, testing is key when exposed or feeling bad.

But ...Read more

COVID-19 Office Protocol: Green Means Hug Me, Blue Means EW, GROSS

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Maybe you have returned to an office setting or will soon. This is a carefree experience not at all marred by the fact that the U.S. is setting daily COVID-19 records left and right. Where I live in Florida, state leaders say pandemic precautions are totes optional for loo-hoo-sers only, so it's whatever.

Still, guidance for how to act at work ...Read more

Petition to Cancel the Week Between Christmas and New Year's

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /



WE, THE UNDERSIGNED, PROPOSE THE FOLLOWING: Dec. 26 through Jan. 2 is pointless. Really, it is so stupid. It's like putting shoes on a baby. It is past time for this chronological inefficiency to be addressed.

Those who observe Christmas are simply on their last leg come ...Read more

A New Year's Prayer for an Average, Boring, Unremarkable 2022

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Shh. Everyone be quiet. Don't rustle. Are you sure you want to wear such a noisy dress? Sequins are overplayed. Put down that noise blower! EXCUSE ME, IS THAT A TRUMPET?

Everyone may be tempted to celebrate big this New Year's Eve. Despite ever-looming coronavirus variants, life has crept toward something approaching normal. That's invigorating...Read more

Coffee Hacks to Survive the Half-and-Half Shortage

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Coffee is an inkblot test revealing personality and priorities. Relatedly, people who don't have morning caffeine are sociopaths and can't be trusted.

I'll never forget the moment I realized my best friend used full-fat heavy whipping cream in her coffee every day. I was poking around her fridge for creamer. She pointed to a carton of the stuff...Read more

Beware the 7 Types of Christmas Shopper

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Christmas is three days away! Fine, it is more than three days away, but the number will register as "three" in your stress-addled brain. Compounding the dissolution of time, the supply chain is on holiday in Branson, Missouri.

Time is running out to order those special gifts loved ones will store in the back of a closet until moving to a new ...Read more

After Omicron Variant, Let's Ditch the COVID-19 Greek Alphabet

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The Greek alphabet is causing drama. Developed in the ninth century B.C., it has become a political flashpoint destined for a cable news chyron reading CHAOS AND HYSTERIA: ANCIENT GREECE TO BLAME? All I'm saying is, Glagolitic script should watch its back.

The World Health Organization has been naming coronavirus variants after Greek letters ...Read more

Christmas Shipping Delays Got You Down? Give Kids Your Old Jeans

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

First things first. Santa exists, and his reindeer say hello. Well, except Blitzen. Blitzen is missing again, because Blitzen "likes to have a good time."

Are the children still there? Are they looking over your shoulder with podcasting equipment, trying to unfurl a secret? That's what my colleagues say happens when they write about Santa Claus...Read more

Even if You Don't Read This, I'm Thankful

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I am thankful for the news. This is probably obvious, and I don't need to rehash all the reasons news matters to democracy. I actually came here to say I'm also thankful for the absence of it.

See, people like to complain about how the news is all bad, and there's truth to that. But think about why. A plane landing safely or a concert without ...Read more

HGTV Is Lies: Tales From Pandemic Home Renovation

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Here's one vexing moment in the coronavirus milieu. Many of us, stuck in our homes for unnatural stretches, looked up and went: Ew. Ew! This home is Ew!

The next step was to open, then realize that the real estate market had turned into an H.P. Lovecraft monster that feeds on innocent children. The next step was "fixing up the place...Read more

How to Discuss Daylight Saving Time (No S!) Like You Understand It

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

We all know it's time to "fall back," or set clocks an hour earlier Sunday. This is an old-fashioned way of saying "relax while your Apple products automatically reset."

We know the implications, too. It means our babies, dogs, parakeets and lawn mowers will start screeching earlier. Our evening walks will be in the dark. It will take days, nay...Read more

I Am Powerless Around a 50/50 Raffle and Apologize for Nothing

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Tom Brady is not returning my calls, but I've heard from other sources that we're in the thick of sports season. That means it's time to "tackle" (ha-ha) a topic oft-debated by the global intelligentsia:

50/50 raffles.

A 50/50 raffle is lovely in its simplicity. Folks put money into a pot, and the winner splits the final take with a charity. ...Read more

Why Candy Corn Is the Worst Candy of All the Candy

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I'm not afraid to tackle the ISSUES. Yes, it can get a little heated, even divisive at times. But someone has to speak out on the things that really matter. With all due respect to those who disagree:

Candy corn is gross.

That is just a fact. It is essentially molded corn syrup and food dyes. It is waxy. It is sweet enough to peel off cosmetic...Read more



9 Chickweed Lane 1 and Done Free Range Boondocks Caption It Mike Du Jour