Kohl's Is Trying to Kill Me

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Picture me at the Kohl's register about to lose my last two marbles, moments away from being enshrined on the internet as a lady who has melted down inside a Kohl's on a Friday night when she should be doing anything else with her one wild and precious life. Yet here she is. In Kohl's.

I hate Kohl's! And it's not like, "Oh, please, what did ...Read more

Reasons To Be Thankful, Big and Small

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Gratitude is a difficult emotion to force. Plus, it's rude to make people think fast when they are trying to fit a whole yam casserole in their mouth holes. When pressed to offer thanks around a holiday table, most folks will say something generic like, "family," or "good health," when in actuality they are not that thankful for their ...Read more

What's the Worst Month, and Why Is It November?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

November is a weird one, folks. I used to think August was the worst month, but after reviewing recent data that has surfaced from a pile of Smarties wrappers on my desk, I think I could be wrong.

October is one big, avoidant costume party backed by organ music. In October, people fill car trunks with mini Snickers and park outside schools, ...Read more

Sadomasochistic Ways to Watch the Midterm Election Returns

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Every two years following a presidential election, the non-reigning party rages into the high school dance wielding crowbars like it's the finale of "Footloose" (truly, a surprisingly violent film). The '80s bullies are certain of victory. They perch atop classic cars, shotgunning Coors and flashing jazz hands. This mayhem that unfolds neatly as...Read more

Is the Thumbs-Up Emoji Passive-Aggressive?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The surest way to know a topic has jumped the shark is when a person who knows the origins of the phrase "jumped the shark" covers it. (See below.)

To that end, news outlets are reporting that Gen Z finds the thumbs-up emoji passive-aggressive and confrontational, which means Gen Z has found the thumbs-up emoji passive-aggressive and ...Read more

Fall Candles Are Life and Nothing Else Matters

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Spiced Apple Butter. That's the scent permeating my home office. Torrents of it flickering from a three-wick wax glob in a frosted jar tinted orange. One Bic burst and I'm in ... Salem? Maybe, uh, the Finger Lakes? In the glow, my incontinent senior cat becomes a kindly kitchen woman in a prairie skirt. "Come in from the cold, child," she says, ...Read more

Why John Carpenter's 'Halloween' Is Still a Grim Watch in 2022

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Come along, forget the real horrors for a moment.

Forget that we're galumphing around a theme park in Florida, a state sodden by pungent politics, profound natural disasters and sandals with socks. Forget that we're walking down the hallway of a Jimmy Fallon simulator ride behind a park guest in Minions goggles. And, uh, forget that someone ...Read more

Is This the End of Jeans?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I stood in the dressing room staring down a six-button labyrinth, wondering what had happened to jeans as a concept. Had we come this far, and yet, not far at all? Was this 2022? 1992? Or, more accurately, 1942? Were we caught in a denim feedback loop?

You know the button fly I'm talking about. Before the proliferation of zippers, a row of ...Read more

When Will a Hurricane Come for Tampa Bay?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The breeze went down like a cool drink Thursday morning in Tampa Bay, a rare offering of dry September air. How could this morning, of all mornings, be open-window beautiful? We were so lucky. Almost providential.

Relief mutated into wretched guilt, a stomach knot of gratitude, confusion and shame for feeling glad. Didn't we all shuffle around ...Read more

I Guess We're Supposed to Use BeReal Now, and I'm Tired

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

I was proud. After denying it for years, I finally accepted that TikTok is a fun and useful app. I produced my first contribution, a clip of my wee dog hugging a stuffed bear. Intellectual? No. Exquisite serotonin juice? Absolutely. If I had more than nine followers, it might have gone viral. (It would not have, but don't tell Rocket. He's very ...Read more

Incredibly, the Queen's Funeral Is Still Going On: An Explainer

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Understanding Queen Elizabeth II's historic funeral is a full-time job, one I have selflessly devoted myself to undertaking. Editors, please accept my resignation for the other stuff.

Someone has to sort through the cognitive dissonance. Why does the queen's coffin linger on television so long after her death, rolling past cursed chyrons that ...Read more

The Total Humiliation of Throwing a Ceremonial First Pitch

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The Tampa Bay Rays invited me to throw a ceremonial first pitch in a game against the Kansas City Royals. Maybe my name entered the mix accidentally? Like, it fell off the "if you see this woman, please report her" board and into the "first pitch candidates" box.

Either way, it was such an honor to be asked! I am a Rays fan and happen to be ...Read more



Rugrats David M. Hitch Adam Zyglis 1 and Done Beetle Bailey Dave Whamond