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As Your Dead Relative, I Don't Want Amazon's Alexa to Mimic Me

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Dearest loved one,

It has come to my attention that Amazon announced it is working on new technology for voice assistant Alexa, otherwise known as, "I SAID, 'I LIKE SALT,' NOT 'ALEXA.'" The new feature would sample clips of a voice, learn that voice, and turn it into longer speeches, bedtime stories and cursed incantations.

Amazon's Rohit ...Read more

Real or Fake? Listings for Half-Million Dollar Homes

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

As the country's distended housing market evolves like a deranged Pokemon, you may have been tempted to peruse a local open house. Or, you may have developed a habit of neurotically browsing real estate listings, wondering how long you will be captive in your current situation. Haha, who would do that???

As the Federal Reserve plans to tamp ...Read more

It's Public Pool Season. Wait, Is That a Band-Aid?

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

In these chaotic potato salad days, it's hard to find a single destination where everyone has something in common. Our differences rule online, at Home Depot, at sports arenas where a lone Toronto Maple Leafs fan has slipped in and forgotten to go home.

One place exists, though, a holy ground where everyone is in the same, uh, boat. Well, we're...Read more

How to Be Better at Reading in a World Full of Distractions

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Mental escapism has never felt more necessary than in these unrelenting, punishing news days. It's easy to turn to a reality dating show in which humans participate in animal mating rituals (that's, uh, real). But I humbly offer another suggestion.

This summer, how about reading? Pages of words glued together? Or Kindled together? Books! I've ...Read more

As a School Year Ends, America Goes Numb

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

These are the last days of school in America.

Children are supposed to be partying, dusted with potluck popcorn, coming home sticky. Done with standardized tests, done navigating another confusing pandemic year, done being pawns in the bizarre political schemes of adults, they're supposed to enjoy the spoils of their labor.

They're supposed to...Read more

Writer's Block Tried to Ruin Me

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Acute panic accompanies a blank page, so I almost never use one. It's a mental trick. You see, I write columns in one contiguous Google document of half-shaped paragraphs and ideas, a grotesque prose jabberwocky that eventually grows too bloated to function.

My previous document got to 629 pages and 127,000 words before it froze. My current ...Read more

I'm Sorry, but the Supermassive Black Hole Has Demotivated Me

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Look, it is impossible to get motivated about anything when there's new confirmed evidence of a supermassive black hole in the center of the galaxy. "Event Horizon" is not just a Sam Neill movie, and I'm not OK!

How is anyone supposed to get work done? Here, read this absolutely harrowing paragraph from The New York Times:

"Astronomers ...Read more

I Quit the Fertility Clinic. Everyone Should Have So Much Control...

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

For those who want to get pregnant, it turns out waiting rooms are something out of a glossy sitcom. Swanky velvet seats and gold vases, HGTV bleating from screens, gleeful success stories tacked to walls. No protesters. No shame.

But reproduction is scary territory and so, to me, was this. A fear of waiting rooms is only natural.

I've never ...Read more

Oh, Boy! A Word From Mickey Mouse, Who Is Spiraling in Florida!

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

H-h-hey everybody! It's me, Mickey Mouse!

Say, you want to come inside my clubhouse? Well, allllright!

Oh, boy! Let's have some fun! Let's pretend nothing bad is going on, OK, everybody? I don't like to complain, because if you can dream it, you can do it! But I've had a rough couple of weeks, hoo-hoo! Not so swell, to be honest!

My attorney,...Read more

My Detailed Plan to Buy Twitter Out from Under Elon Musk

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

You may have heard Elon Musk is trying to buy Twitter for $46.5 billion, the way Veruca Salt demanded cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts so good you could go nuts. You also may have heard financial terms such as "tender offer" and "poison pill" bandied about, because apparently publicly traded companies are structured on riddles...Read more

A Millennial Lurks Inside Peppa Pig Theme Park

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

The Peppa Pig cinema was the Elysium of this theme park, a respite from chaos not unlike the cartoon itself. Sweaty parents filtered into a dark, cool room and thrust bags of Froot Loops upon their children, slumped over beanbag chairs.

Peppa Pig played on a big screen. Specifically, "Digging Up The Road," an episode in which Peppa's family ...Read more

A Last-Minute Tax Day Guide for Professional Procrastinators

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

Progresstination.

I accidentally uttered this recently while trying to say "procrastination." It was a Freudian slip, less a regressive childhood parapraxis and more a trauma related to the Internal Revenue Service, as one has. However, this slip revealed an abiding truth.

See, paying taxes puts the FUN in functional society, and I've never ...Read more

Things I Wish Were April Fool's Day Jokes but Tragically Are Not

Humor / Stephanie Hayes /

It is time for the worst holiday of the year. Not Tax Day, nor Columbus Day, nor Talk Like a Pirate Day, nor National Pickle Day. The pestilence at hand is April Fool's Day.

This is not the first time I've ranted about the awfulness of April Fool's Day, and by golly, it will not be the last. I might run for office just to push some Marco Rubio-...Read more

 

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