ArcaMax

How weird is Colorado though? Marijuana was legalized before snowball fights. People were like, ‘Don’t you dare, that’s illegal. You take a toke on this joint and you respect the law!’

James Corden

In Colorado a 9-year-old boy has convinced his town to overturn an old law that bans snowball fights. Snowball fights were banned in that town? Think of the tension that has been built up in that town over the years. It’s going to be a North Pole version of the purge.

James Corden

Trump now says that because the housekeeper doesn’t have legal papers, she’ll be terminated. Which, I got to tell you, I’m really surprised about. Usually, if you’re a woman in Trump’s bedroom the only document you need is an N.D.A.

Trevor Noah/Desi Lydec

Breaking news from President Trump’s New Jersey golf club, where we just found out that his housekeeper is an illegal immigrant. So, I guess Trump told us he’d build a wall, but he never said there’d be a service entrance.

Trevor Noah/Desi Lydec

General Baldwin had barely arrived in the forward area when a sniper's bullet removed a button from his shirt. He threw himself to the ground in terror. The men stood around with the greatest unconcern.

The general yelled at a passing sergeant. "Hey, isn't somebody going to kill that darned sniper?"

The sergeant looked down at the general and ...Read more

Dad, would you like to save some money?

I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?

Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You...Read more

Red Skelton's tips for a Happy Marriage:

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ...Read more

-- If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bradford is the coldest spot in the nation, you live in Pennsylvania.

-- If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you live in Pennsylvania.

-- If you walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you live in ...Read more

WASHINGTON -- Did you catch the latest contretemps over funding for the arts?

It happened so fast you might have missed it: The D.C. Commission on the Arts and Humanities briefly announced that to receive grants this year, artists and writers would have to agree not to be lewd or political or sexist. This condition was rescinded almost ...Read more

The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things ...Read more

I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Scully.
Scully who?
Scully wag!

While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha."

I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem.

That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

Anita!

Anita who?

Anita to borrow a pencil!

We don't have a basement. We have a scary-basement. This distinction must be honored. On our first day in our home, there was a 6-foot snake hanging out down there. Since then, it has been home to fellow snake friends, mice, spiders, frogs and the occasional opossum.

The garage door, which goes directly into this unfinished basement does not ...Read more

After years of hiding the fact that the love is gone, Mom and Dad announced to their grown children that they're getting a divorce.

The kids were totally distraught and, as a stab at keeping their parents together, arranged a series of sessions for the whole family with a world-famous marriage counselor.

The counselor worked for hours, ...Read more