A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.
"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.
"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.
The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you ...Read more
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
"Robin get into the Batmobile."
Two boys go out on a walk. One looks down and said, "look at those, those are deer tracks my dad told me about them."
The second boy says no those are elk tracks, my dad told me about them. Then the first boy says, "No those are deer tracks."
The second boy says, "NO those are elk tracks."
One hour later they were run over by a train.
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back...Read more
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do Not step in exhaust."
A professor (Adam Driver) struggles to educate two students (Mikey Day, Cecily Strong) about air using balloons.
CONAN Highlight: Pete had no idea that the young woman giggling in the front row at his show in Boston was President Obama’s eldest daughter.
This is not a good look, people. Senators leaving the room and doing their own thing in the middle of an impeachment trial? You can’t just walk away. This isn’t a conversation with Ted Cruz.
I don’t know where they got fidget spinners — maybe from 2017, but they had them.
Today was day two of the Democrats three-day opening argument in the Senate, Fox News is going with the old 'it's boring' defense, VP Mike Pence got snubbed by Prince Charles, we discovered that Pence is a nose-breather, a group of scientists advanced 'The Doomsday Clock,' and since everything is so horrible lately we found something to remind ...Read more
By law, senators are supposed to sit quietly and pay attention, but today, according to reporters in the gallery, Senator Burr has a fidget spinner, Rand Paul has quite the sketch of the Capitol going, and Marsha Blackburn is reading a book. That book? ‘Chicken Soup for When You’ve Sold Your Soul.’.
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is ...Read more
Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and I for a visit.
As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink.
Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then ...Read more
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...
If you are surrounded by sea you are an ...Read more
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on...Read more
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to ...Read more