ArcaMax

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If your sister hits you, don't hit back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3 year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks...Read more

These are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a snide sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and ...Read more

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts...Read more

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TV's. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."

The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."

So, The blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy ...Read more

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You...Read more

Walking along the beach, Dave tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a Genie materialized.

"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit. "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow ...Read more

Q: What do you get for a friend who is graduating from Law School?
A: A Lobotomy.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: How else do you keep a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off of his head.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

A man happened upon a friend of his while walking down a suburban street. The man noticed that his friend's car was total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. So, the man asked his friend, "What in the world happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend said, "I ran into a lawyer."

"Okay," said the man, "that explains the...Read more

It was so cold last winter, that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

I say this as the biggest procrastinator in the world, a habitual April 14 taxpayer, someone who thinks 10 minutes late is actually on time: Why don't some of you have your Real IDs yet? Rather, how?

Again, I say this with love and Type B fascination. I say this as someone who once looked down at her license in the Boston airport and said, "...Read more

Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament:

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.

"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.

"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always ...Read more

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted ...Read more