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Internetaholics Anonymous

Humor / Jokes /

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it...Read more

Computer Terminology

Humor / Jokes /

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ...Read more

A Common Bum

Humor / Jokes /

A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?"

"I'm very sorry sir...Read more

Work

Humor / Jokes /

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 ...Read more

Baseball Heat

Humor / Jokes /

Q: Why does it get hot after baseball game?

A: Because all the fans leave!

Lincoln and Trump, separated at birth?

Humor / Below the Beltway /

WASHINGTON -- There is a meme spreading earnestly across the right aisle of the Internet contending that Donald Trump is such a great president that the only predecessor he can be fairly compared to is ... Abraham Lincoln. This thesis was cemented into public consciousness by the latest film from noted far-far-right history-warping conservative ...Read more

Did you know? pt. 8

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish is the animal with the most taste buds - 27,000.

Matches

Humor / Jokes /

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

Things to Ponder

Humor / Jokes /

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. ...Read more

Answering Machine Message 119

Humor / Jokes /

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE... See the world, LIVE a little... Have fun.

Lawyers on a Plane

Humor / Jokes /

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going ...Read more

It's Lice

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

"It could be eczema," I said.

"It's lice," my friend repeated.

"Psoriasis?"

"Lice."

"Dry skin from the weather changing?"

"Lice."

"Do you see any lice in my hair?" I asked.

"No."

"So, then it could be anything."

"It's lice," she repeated again.

"Allergies? Brain tumor? Some rare autoimmune disease?"

"Oh, my gracious!" my friend ...Read more

Did you know? pt. 1

Humor / Jokes /

The average chocolate bar has 8 insect legs in it.

A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.

Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

Continued below...

Benefits of Being a Woman pt. 3

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

Free drinks, free dinners.

We can hug our friends without wondering if they're gay.

We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

If we're not ...Read more

The bum on a street

Humor / Jokes /

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum said, "No."

The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

She's new to football

Humor / Jokes /

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'"

Ponderings for Idle Moments

Humor / Jokes /

- Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

- How come abbreviated is such a long word?

- If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

- Since ...Read more

More Non-Deep Thoughts

Humor / Jokes /

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- The speed of time is one second per second.

- Is it possible to be totally partial?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

- Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I...Read more

Non-Deep Thoughts

Humor / Jokes /

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

Men vs.Women

Humor / Jokes /

Any married man should forget his mistakes -- There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the ...Read more

 
 

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