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ArcaMax

How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day? pt. 3

Humor / Jokes /

... continued from above

Scoring
6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
1 Correct: You're probably...Read more

Boy, Officer & Squirrel

Humor / Jokes /

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im go"

Cross-eyed Rotweiler

Humor / Jokes /

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

The Camel Joke

Humor / Jokes /

There's this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a guy stops and ask's if he needs a ride to town. The guy sez, "Yeah," and hops in. The driver asks "What about your camel?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he's okay... he knows his way to town."

So the driver start's driving, gets up to about 45 MPH, looks in his rearview ...Read more

Horse or Chicken?

Humor / Jokes /

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss ...Read more

Meanwhile... Unicycling Across Ireland | Costco's Apocalypse Bucket | Elephant Herpes

Humor / Jokes /

Meanwhile... An Irish man rode across his country on a unicycle, Costco sells meal kits for doomsday preppers, and elephants are now being vaccinated against herpes.

Daisy Edgar-Jones Went Storm Chasing with Glen Powell and Brandon Perea While Filming Twisters

Humor / Jokes /

Daisy Edgar-Jones talks about working with director Lee Isaac Chung for the film Twisters, going storm chasing with Glen Powell and Brandon Perea and her show Normal People inspiring people to reach out to their first loves.

Scott Galloway - “The Algebra of Wealth” | The Daily Show

Humor / Jokes /

NYU Professor, entrepreneur, podcast host, and bestselling author Scott Galloway talks to Ronny Chieng about his latest book, “The Algebra of Wealth.” He touches on tips for young people wishing to build a nest egg for themselves, but also points to a larger system run by senior politicians that repeatedly funnels wealth toward boomers at ...Read more

Ken Jeong on Flying During a Medical Emergency, Wrestling with John Cena & The Masked Singer

Humor / Jokes /

Ken talks to Guest Host Anthony Anderson about being a real medical doctor, someone having a medical emergency when he was on a flight, Biden having COVID, Matt Gaetz looking like he got Botox, Anthony Anderson being on “The Masked Singer,” getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, celebrating his 55th birthday, his new movie My Spy: The...Read more

For The Kids...

Humor / Jokes /

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more

Laryngitis

Humor / Jokes /

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

Double Death

Humor / Jokes /

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you ...Read more

Cowboy and Bible

Humor / Jokes /

The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow. "...Read more

Writers Quotes

Humor / Jokes /

"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." Tom Clancy

"I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it." William Faulkner

"I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87." Steve Martin

"I have always been a huge ...Read more

You've been programming too long when

Humor / Jokes /

- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

- When you are reading a book ...Read more

Half The Job

Humor / Jokes /

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine, I'll take two."

The Last Five Dollars

Humor / Jokes /

I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what -- you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out.

England's West Country

Humor / Jokes /

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting- looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But...Read more

Deathbed Confession

Humor / Jokes /

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage.

"All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why ...Read more

Worm Remedy

Humor / Jokes /

Joe's chemistry teacher wanted to teach his ninth grade class a lesson on the evils of liquor so he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Observe" he told his class as he began to put one of the worms in the glass of water. This worm swam about freely and looked as happy as can be.

He then put the second worm in ...Read more