Humor

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ArcaMax

For The Kids...

Humor / Jokes /

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's ...Read more

Laryngitis

Humor / Jokes /

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

Medical Term Needed

Humor / Jokes /

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I ...Read more

You've Been in College Too Long When...

Humor / Jokes /

- You consider McDonald's "real food."

- You actually like doing laundry at home.

- 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends.

- It starts getting late on the weeknights.

- Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.

- You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it.

- You'd rather clean than study.

- Half the time you ...Read more

Actual Newspaper Headlines

Humor / Jokes /

- Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says

- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

- Saftey Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

- Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case

- Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

- Farmer Bill Dies In House

- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

- Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?

- Stud...Read more

You Know It's Time to Diet When...

Humor / Jokes /

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four ...Read more

Three's a Crowd

Humor / Jokes /

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since ...Read more

Dishwashers and Pineapples

Humor / Katiedid Langrock /

I was down in my basement, when something looked different. Hmm. What is it? Ah, yes, the ceiling is on the floor.

Though I'm no basement expert, it immediately occurred to me that the ceiling was not supposed to be on the floor. I felt the panels, which were now crumbling by my feet.

Wet. Very wet.

Perhaps a flood, I deduced, ...Read more

Three Scientists and the Hotel Fire

Humor / Jokes /

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.

The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. He finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. He quickly gets up and sees the ...Read more

What Denomination?

Humor / Jokes /

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian."

Good Milk

Humor / Jokes /

There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the ...Read more

Lawyer Choice

Humor / Jokes /

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

In...Read more

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

Humor / Jokes /

10. There are about 10 types of capacitors.

9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work.

8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.

6. Always try to fix the hardware with the ...Read more

You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...

Humor / Jokes /

- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.

- When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.

- When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.

- When you call "*.*" star-...Read more

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...

Humor / Jokes /

- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

...Read more

Crash Landing

Humor / Jokes /

A Plane was flying through the jungle when suddenly the engine stalled. The pilot ejected and drifted gently down to land.

Unfortunately he landed in a large cooking pot which was gently simmering over a low fire.

All the local tribesmen turned to look at him until the chief, blinking in disbelief asked, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

Windoze Quotes

Humor / Jokes /

• "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's ...Read more

What it REALLY REALLY REALLY Means

Humor / Jokes /

"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"

"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."

"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at ...Read more

Trump’s Ongoing Attacks On Our Nation’s Free Press Part 2 | Full Frontal on TBS

Humor / Jokes /

When it comes to the president’s ongoing battle against the media, we’re all huge losers.

Emo Burrito

Humor / Jokes /

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the mexican burrito.

 

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