Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely ...Read more
Four cowboys are sitting on a mountain one night having a few cold ones around a campfire. One is a tuba player, one a trumpet player, one a conductor, and the last a coloratura soprano.
The tuba player tosses an empty can of Budweiser into the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it declaring "I just killed the king of beers!"
The trumpet ...Read more
A guy walks into a bar and quickly says to the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Darn buddy, are you having a bad day?"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I just found out my brother is gay!"
The bartender, feeling bad for the guy, says, "Darn, that is a bad day. I'll tell you what. The first shot is on me."
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I'm required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most-your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 ...Read more
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."
Hi there hello please stay home if you can :)
Sophie loves staying home, wearing sweatpants, and pouring shots for Joe during his Instagram Live DJ sets.
Also, we’re only trapped inside watching because you kept ignoring the crisis and pretending it would go away until it was too late. We’re forced to stay inside and watch you because you screwed up. More people than ever are playing Scrabble right now, but it sure as hell isn’t because Scrabble is fun.
A hundred and fifty thousand Americans are infected, 2,500 Americans have died, and he’s excited about his ratings. You know, it reminds me of the Hindenburg coverage.
And by the way, just because people are watching you doesn’t mean it’s good. Have you heard of ‘The Masked Singer’? Right now half of this country is watching a show about a bunch of toothless meth heads abusing tigers.
Coronavirus may one day disappear, but world leaders’ screw-ups during the pandemic will never go away. Here’s how South Korea, South Africa, and the United States are handling the outbreak.
Wow, OK Firstly, the ratings aren’t high because of Trump. People are watching TV because of the virus. That’s why they’re watching the briefings. This will be like the guy on ‘Friends’ who owns the coffee shop taking credit for the success of the show: ‘It’s all because of my lattes, you know? That’s why people watched.’ No, ...Read more
Jon Bon Jovi joins Jimmy's #stayhome party to discuss how Jon Bon Jovi Soul Kitchen is helping people in need and what inspired him to crowdsource fans around the globe to write a song about the COVID-19 outbreak with his #DoWhatYouCan campaign.
"I Hate My Kids" Says Most Moms | Breaking News
Can kitties jump over the toilet paper wall?
Seth takes a closer look at the president bragging about his TV ratings during the coronavirus pandemic, suggesting states were lying about how many ventilators they need and blaming health care workers for the lack of protective masks.
As the coronavirus continues to spread across the globe, John Oliver discusses President Trump’s inconsistent response to the pandemic, including his suggestion of an Easter deadline for sending America back to work, and his reluctance to use the Defense Production Act.
Four guys are driving across country together - one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.
The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have...Read more