ArcaMax

Because what if you have a family of five? Do you start ranking your children?

Jimmy Kimmel

You get four tests per household, which is great news for people who live alone and literally no one else

Jimmy Kimmel

You know, I can’t help but think if America took a military approach to Covid, this testing thing would be solved like that. [snaps] Because there’s no delays when it comes to the American military. America doesn’t need bombs and then start building them — America always has bombs ready to go.

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2621841">Read more

The Biden administration’s new website allowing Americans to order free at-home Covid tests quietly went live on Tuesday. Tests will ship within seven to 12 days.

It’s great that tests are finally going to be available to everyone — but seven to 12 days?” Trevor Noah said. “You don’t think that’s a little too long in a ...Read more

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

A girl says to a salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

"Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look."

He went out into the hall and ...Read more

A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open, the coffin falls out, speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"

Four-word story of employment: Hired, tired, mired, fired.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Well, guys, former President Trump is in the news. Apparently he’s been trashing Florida governor Ron DeSantis behind his back, calling him a ‘dull’ guy who has no chance of beating him in a potential 2024 matchup. Trump was like, ‘I have to insult him behind his back ’cause I can’t tweet it to his face.’

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2621368">Read more

Where does he even get this stuff? This is a man who hasn’t waited in a line since, like, hot lunch in the fourth grade.

Jimmy Kimmel

At the rally, Trump falsely claimed that the left was forcing white people in New York State “to go to the back of the line to get medical help.”

White people are being sent to the back of the line? I guess Martin Luther King’s dream has been realized at last.

Jimmy Kimmel

Former President Donald Trump held a rally in Florence, Ariz., over the weekend, where Jimmy Kimmel joked, “thousands of people showed up, because there’s nothing to do in Florence, Arizona.”

He ranted for an hour and 35 minutes. Maybe it’s me, but the material doesn’t — it’s actually not working. It was kind of like ...Read more