ArcaMax

WASHINGTON -- This is the story of how, for about two days last month, my daughter became an international celebrity. Her fame was fleeting, but dramatic. There are many modern lessons in this story, with several poignant themes, but mostly it is about the magnificent silliness of journalism.

It begins a few days after Christmas when Molly and ...Read more

Question: If a rooster laid an egg on the top of a barn, which way would it roll?
Answer: Neither, roosters don't lay eggs.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: Because the rooster egged her on.

Question: Did you hear the one about the egg?
Answer: It's not all it's "cracked" up to be!

Question: Why can't ...Read more

An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The old man replies, in a thick acccent, "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the ...Read more

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'

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Q: How do geologists like their scotch? A: On the rocks.

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How is the Force Like Ducktape?

It has a light side and it has a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other...Read more

My high school friends were all in a group text on Valentine's Day. Those of us with kids began it around 8 p.m. because, well, we weren't doing anything. The married ones joined in around 9:30, having come home from their dinner. The dating friends joined the text conversation closer to 11 p.m., having wined and dined and, well, what have you...Read more

Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"

Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

- An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.

- An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.

- A physical chemist turns into a straight line.

- A biochemist turns into a helix.

- A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be ...Read more

Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!

Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!

Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

Q: What do you get if you ...Read more

Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1905, just over one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!

Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1905:

- The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

- Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

- Only 8 percent of the homes had a ...Read more

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull...Read more

I want a hair cut please.
Certainly, which one?

Do you look in the mirror after you've washed your face?
No, I look in a towel!

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
Because her daddy was a mummy!

It's time for your violin lesson.
Oh, Fiddle!

How old is your granddad?
I don't know but we've had him a long time!

...Read more

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the waiter...Read more

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

Tomorrow, Auntie Anne’s is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. It’s a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to La Guardia.

Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. St. Valentine, of course, was the patron saint of seasonal marketing.

Stephen Colbert

It would be, like, ‘How are you going to solve black unemployment?’ And this guy would be like, ‘What do you mean black unemployment? All I see is staggering unemployment among people named Jamal. Anyway, it’s February, so happy History Month!’

Trevor Noah