ArcaMax

This week, Japan’s prime minister, Shinzo Abe, has been staying at Mar-a-Lago with Trump. Trump said he wanted to sneak out and play golf with him, while Abe said he just wanted to sneak out.

Jimmy Fallon

More fallout from the Stormy Daniels scandal. As you know, yesterday she released a sketch of a man she claimed threatened her about her relationship with the president. Well, this morning Donald Trump tweeted: "A sketch years later about a nonexistent man. A total con job, playing the fake news media for fools, but they know it!" Trump calls ...Read more

Once again, President Trump has referred to Mar-a-Lago as "the Southern White House." Of course, when Trump refers to the actual White House, he refers to it as "the Western Kremlin."

Conan O'Brien

Republicans in Congress are urging the F.B.I. to launch an investigation into Hillary Clinton. Man, Hillary Clinton? What did she do over two years ago now?

Conan O'Brien

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink...Read more

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a ...Read more

Ampere was worried he wasn't current.

Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

Darwin waited to see what evolved.

Descartes said he'd think about it.

Dr. Jekyll declined -- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

Edison thought it would be illuminating.

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to ...Read more

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of hungry wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it, or should we stay here for a few days and out number them?"

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second ...Read more

A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the ...Read more

Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.

Flood smiled.

"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way ...Read more

How do fish go into business?
They start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?
At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse!

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, ...Read more

In honor of Tax Day, Hardee’s offered free breakfast biscuits if you said the password ‘made from scratch.’ Arby’s had a similar deal: They gave you a free roast beef sandwich with the password ‘made from squirrel.’

Jimmy Fallon

Some great news for Donald Trump, though: Between the constant firings in the White House, the porn-star scandal and the Russia investigation, he was able to write off this entire year as a total loss.

James Corden

The president is said to be furious about this book, because it combines the two things he hates most: criticism and reading.

Jimmy Kimmel