ArcaMax

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's ...Read more

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?

A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...

"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

How do ghosts learn songs?
They read the sheet music!

Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
He had fang decay!

What's the best way of seeing a witch?
On the television!

What does "Maximum" mean?
A very big mother!

What is full of holes but can still hold water?
A sponge!

Why is perfume obedient?
Because it is scent wherever it goes!

When reporters asked the president who his new press secretary would be he was like, ‘Twitter.’

Jimmy Fallon

Nothing’s official has been announced yet, but sources inside the White House believe she will be replaced by a box of T.G.I. Friday’s loaded cheddar and bacon potato skins.

Jimmy Kimmel

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is leaving her job. Yeah. Her next job should be much easier. Apparently she’ll be doing PR for Bill Cosby.

Conan O'Brien

The guy who has spent two years screaming tweeting, ‘No collusion!’ is now saying ‘If anyone’s down the collude, I’m your guy!’

Seth Meyers

...continued from above

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position...Read more

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing ...Read more

US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels ...Read more

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an ...Read more