If I were to write a book about my adventures in Italian cooking — the highlight being a dish called Zezima’s Zesty Ziti Zinger, which did not, I will say for legal purposes, kill legendary actor Paul Newman — I would title it “Remembrance of Things Pasta.”
And the pièce de résistance — a French phrase meaning “resist a piece of...Read more
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am ...Read more
"Did you hear about this? A high school kid from Florida, his parents are from Iraq, he is American born. He is of Iraqi descent. He skipped school and snuck into Baghdad. Snuck into Baghdad! Even Ferris Bueller is going, 'What are you nuts?'" --Jay Leno
"Did you hear about the 16-year-old kid that went to Iraq? He's an American of ...Read more
Jordan Klepper travels to a Wisconsin rally hosted by Mike Lindell to hear all about the latest election fraud claims and goes head-to-head with the MyPillow guy himself.
Honest Trailers | Raya & The Last Dragon
Abbott was clear on wanting money and wanting wall, but the other details were pretty fuzzy. As one reporter put it, ‘He says Texans can donate their private land and money to the project, but he can’t say what the project will look like, how many miles will be built or where it will be built.’ So it’s less of a border policy and more of...Read more
OK, so, one state can do its own foreign policy? It reminds me of that famous headline after Pearl Harbor: ‘Delaware Declares Dela-war.’
That’s right, Texas is building a wall, and New Mexico’s going to pay for it. Maybe the wall is to keep Ted Cruz from fleeing to Mexico the next time there’s an emergency.
Disney Housewives - Saturday Night Live
There was a big announcement from Texas-governor-and-man-breathing-easier-thanks-to-Allegra Greg Abbott. Abbott says he’s going to solicit donations from the public to fund the construction of Texas’ border wall. Hear me out — it’s about time. Somebody’s got to keep those Texans out of the U.S. Do Florida next!
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
First golfer, Bill: "What was your score?"
Bill: "That's not too bad at all!"
Bob: "Thanks! I hope I'll do better on the second hole."
Companies are always consolidating. Here is some inside information about some potential mergers...
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker
3M will merge with ...Read more
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway...Read more
You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?
If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.
If it stinks, it's chemistry.
If it doesn't work, it's physics.
A social worker asks a collegue: "What time is it?"
The other one answers: "Sorry, don't know, I have no watch."
The first one: "Never mind! The main thing is that we talked about it."