ArcaMax

My "Will" is like a less interesting Mary Poppins. The wind blows her in when I need her, but not when it would just be kinda cool to have her around. I know she'd never miss a visitation when a mysterious illness requires an exhaustive research initiative or when there is a problem in my kid's school that needs immediate interference and ...Read more

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," ...Read more

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him ...Read more

William Shakespeare's Sonnet 18 ("Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?") converted into the programming language ActionScript:

var summer:Object = {};
var thee:Object = {};

summer.name = "Summer Day";
thee.name = "Thee";

summer.lovelyness = 9;
thee.lovelyness = 10;

summer.temperature = 98;
thee.temperature = 98.6...Read more

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than ...Read more

William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators, recently lost his job when it was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.

Following recent accusations of President Trump's racist behavior, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders has gotten into some trouble of her own. Yesterday she was caught during a press briefing making false claims about the number of jobs Trump has created for African-Americans. Although if you believe Omarosa, the biggest lie was that the ...Read more

Vice President Mike Pence appeared today in Iowa to give a speech about taxes. I'm not saying the speech was boring, but it is being offered as a new setting on white noise machines.

Seth Meyers

On "Fox & Friends" this morning, Brian Kilmeade said that Omarosa had outsmarted Trump. But to be fair, Trump also been outsmarted by the child safety locks in his limo.

Jimmy Fallon

Omarosa's new book "Unhinged" is out. And it's already an Amazon best-seller. That's just because Trump frantically bought up all the copies so no one can read it.

Jimmy Fallon

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost ...Read more

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.

"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a...Read more

President Trump was in New Jersey this weekend, where he hosted a “Bikers for Trump” rally at one of his private golf courses. Because really, what’s more badass and rebellious for bikers to do than hang out at a members-only golf club? “Bikers for Trump,” or as most people call them, “bikers.”

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2113892">Read more

President Trump had dinner on Friday with Apple CEO Tim Cook. Well, Tim, did you try unplugging him and plugging him back in?

Seth Meyers

An 11-year-old boy in Florida was able to hack into a state elections website and change results in under 10 minutes. So get ready to meet Florida’s next governor, Fortnite McDeadpool.

Jimmy Fallon