"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in."
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to ...Read more
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races...Read more
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a...Read more
A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building.
The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit."
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
... continued from above
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government -- $40,000."
Lady Astor was giving a ...Read more
... continued from above
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," ...Read more
Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so charming a wife."
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill ...Read more
...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine.
...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: "Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I ll burn yer tent!"
...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "Who knows? Maybe some day we go to camping."
...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too ...Read more
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.
After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the ...Read more
Law of Cat Elongation - A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
Law of Cat Obstruction - A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Law of Cat Acceleration - A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he ...Read more
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret.
The successful...Read more
If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady ...Read more
There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.
My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.
I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every ...Read more
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into ...Read more
Finally, a feel-good story about abortion in the South. Sam and Naomi Ekperigin travel to the home of BBQ and badass reproductive rights activists to consume some smokin’ hot tips on how to lead the fight for reproductive justice.
Alessia Cara returns to challenge Jimmy in another round of random musical impressions, like Billie Eilish singing "Pop Goes the Weasel" and Amy Winehouse singing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm."
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a ...Read more