Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. How is it, then, that "I do," is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, ...Read more
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate ...Read more
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make ...Read more
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run ...Read more
With the hot dogs and white pants of Labor Day a speck in the distance last week, news outlets informed everyone that Christmas was 100 days away.
First of all, how dare they.
Second of all, it was mere moments before consumer panic set in. Retail experts proclaimed that we MUST. START. SHOPPING. NOW. We will have no gifts otherwise. The ...Read more
Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
Seth takes a closer look at Trump holding another packed rally after telling his supporters that virtually nobody is affected by a disease that has killed at least 200,000 Americans.
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.
One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad ...Read more
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember ...Read more
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." --Kevin Hench
"Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is, however, a prejudice that many people have been able to overcome." --Winston Churchill
"Sometimes I wonder whether the ...Read more
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old...Read more
Stephen Colbert pointed to the numbers in his “Late Show” monologue, including a recent survey finding that most Americans do not believe they will be personally affected by global warming.
Americans treat climate science like soccer: We know it’s out there, and it really matters to the rest of world, but no one can make us care. ...Read more
On “Full Frontal,” Samantha Bee shined a light on what she called “the number two issue”: sewage and the failure of America’s water infrastructure.
No one wants to think about sewage, but we all need to support the water infrastructure that supports us. Because waste disposal is vital to society and sanitation is a human right ...Read more
On “Late Night,” Meyers argued that climate change has made everything a lot weirder.
Now it’s just normal for friends to show up to dinner in late September looking like they just ran a marathon. Pretty soon the traditional Thanksgiving feast is going to be replaced by a clothing-optional backyard barbecue. ‘It’s too hot for ...Read more
On a night seven late night shows are dedicating their programming to raising awareness, discussion and action to address climate change, James reviews the ways Ian, Reggie and the Late Late Show staff are reducing their carbon footprint. And we look at some ways people and companies are finding ways to do the same (but we've got some marketing ...Read more
Seven late-night hosts came together for Climate Night, using their respective shows to raise awareness about climate change.
The pandemic, systemic racism, income inequality, immigration, gun violence — but here’s the thing. If we don’t address climate change, none of those issues will matter at all. The car is going off a cliff ...Read more
A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of wind and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little wind out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog...Read more
Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."
The vet left the room and ...Read more