ArcaMax

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house four inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to...Read more

My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple and the problem was quickly resolved.

On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.

Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in ...Read more

What do you call Arab public relations?

A: An oxymoron.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?

Because he had the drumsticks

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.

'I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,' she said.

'What do you mean?' he asked.

'Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes ...Read more

... continued from above

You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

... continued from above

Cleaning up the dining area means gettting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

Continued below...

... continued from above

Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.

Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date...and now sells for half the price you paid.

Continued below...

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in a year.

You have a list of fifteen phone numbers to reach your family of three.

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If you are terminally online, you have no doubt heard of the following trend: Women ask men on camera how often they think about the Roman Empire. The men overwhelmingly reply with versions of the same answer: a lot. A ton. Monthly. Weekly. Daily. Constantly.

Experts posit that the Roman Empire invades so many Man Brains because the centuries...Read more