ArcaMax

And it seems like the press conference was getting a little hot, because partway through his presentation, Rudy sweat so much that his hair dye started running down his face. Either that, or he had so much to drink he was sweating merlot. Remind me, is it a good sign when your lawyer starts melting?

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2444809">Read more

His face looks like what happens when you wring out a rag at Jiffy Lube. But this is good — Rudy dried himself off by standing in front of a leaf blower from Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

Jimmy Fallon

You know your legal strategy is [expletive] up when even your hair starts crying about it. It was going down both cheeks. This dude was growing a chin strap beard in real time.”

Trevor Noah

Wow, nothing screams ‘confident lawyer’ like a guy standing in front of everyone dripping in sweat.

Jimmy Fallon

Rudy Giuliani held a news conference on Thursday during which he continued to support the president’s baseless assertion that the election had been fraudulent and appeared to drip sweat and hair dye.

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!

My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more

A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.

Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.

A few minutes later, a...Read more

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get ...Read more

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the ...Read more

Diapering:

1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to ...Read more

Ten thousand, a million — it’s just how they count. You round up for marches, you round down for Covid deaths. It’s all in their textbook, ‘Basic Arith-MAGA.’

Stephen Colbert

I wouldn’t hire Rudy Giuliani if he paid me 20 grand a day.

Jimmy Fallon