Poor Jack Dorsey. He has to explain to a president that some of his followers were deleted because they were bots and spam accounts. It’s like breaking the news to a child that Santa isn’t real. It’s like, ‘Sir, you’re 72 now, so I think you’re old enough to know the truth: @MIKHAIL_62875 isn’t a real person.’
Out of habit, he (Pres. Trump) met with the C.E.O. of Twitter at 3 a.m. while sitting on the toilet.
I bet this is going to inspire more people to run for office. People are going to be on stage like, ‘I’m running for president so that I can ask Jeff Bezos what happened to my tube socks! Which were supposed to be here by Wednesday!’
Donald Trump launches attacks against Twitter’s bot purge, the U.S. Constitution, congressional Democrats and the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
Beto, do some interviews, do a town hall. Because Mayor Pete’s coming in hot. And right now, you’re just a dude who supports legal marijuana, wears the same shirt every day and rides around in a van. You’re Shaggy from ‘Scooby-Doo.’
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the ...Read more
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker ...Read more
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he...Read more
There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her.
On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
Jimmy Fallon's monologue from Tuesday, April 23, plus 2020 presidential candidates' frequently asked questions.
Elizabeth Warren says, ‘Free school for all,’ and methinks her idea hath some legs. So, come 2020, head to class in the fall and spend all of your money on kegs.
I get why Bernie is concerned about slippery slopes — partly because America has a history of using imprisonment to disenfranchise minority voters, and partly because slippery things are every old man’s worst nightmare.
I know a lot of the younger Democrats want to impeach right away, but impeachment is a special thing that should be saved for the president who truly deserves it, O.K.? You don’t want to look back and regret who you impeached. In the meantime, there’s a lot of other ways Democrats can satisfy these urges they’re feeling. They can use their...Read more
CNN hosts a marathon night of town halls for five 2020 Democratic presidential candidates, including Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg.
You have to admit, running for president as a man is so much more fun because as a woman, you have to bring extra homework. Elizabeth Warren calculated 2 cents on every dollar over 50 million. Kamala is breaking down the statistics on maternal mortality as relates to race and class. But a dude can come and be like, ‘Yeah, I’m just going to ...Read more
Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush...Read more
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
- My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
- After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
- Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
- Next I tried working in a ...Read more