ArcaMax

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get...Read more

A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling ...Read more

1. Spent a lot of time in the gymnastics facilities working on those AMAZING back flips, etc...

2. Played "Itsy Bitsy Spider" trying to get his fingers to work again

3. One word: Whined

4. Spent days, and days, and days trying to figure out why his mom married a walking toaster.

5. Played "Ding, Dong, Ditch" with doorways on board the ...Read more

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of ...Read more

At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry ...Read more

I discovered my first gray hair when I was 35. Since there was only one, I figured it was an aberration, and I quickly plucked that sucker out. When it grew back, though, it brought a friend. I decided both of them had lost their way en route to an older person's head, and I got rid of them fast. However, it seemed the act of plucking my two ...Read more

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered....Read more

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber ...Read more

- Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

- If parallel lines meet at infinity - infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

- Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

- Zenophobia: the irrational fear of ...Read more

General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.

Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks...Read more

My mother taught me LOGIC... "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT... "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY... "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS... "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My ...Read more

One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter's portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus.

The art student approached the professor to ask why the ...Read more

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and ...Read more

Any married man should forget his mistakes -- There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the ...Read more

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the tv was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the tv, ...Read more

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

6. You ran away and they had to use all ...Read more

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on...Read more

An old Indian lined up all of his ten sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" Nobody answered him.

He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?" And again nobody answered.

The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, ...Read more