ArcaMax

"I think we should talk about the elephant in the room," said my husband.

"What are you talking about?" I asked innocently.

"The elephant... on the couch," he said.

I glanced over at the couch. Propped up in the corner was our new throw pillow. It was taupe and white and complemented the couch beautifully. It also happened to have elephants...Read more

Dear Leggings,

I think we need to talk. There was a time when you always had my back... or, at least, my backside. You made me look darn good in boots and in sneakers, at the gym and on the street. You stuck by me through college, through babies, and after babies, which was infinitely worse, and never let so much as a muffin top come between ...Read more

"Ummm, this is good," said my husband with a mouth full of food. "What is it?"

I looked up from the kitchen sink where I was doing dishes. "It's a cronut."

"A what?"

"A cronut. It's part croissant, part doughnut."

He looked at me like I had two heads.

"I was actually going to get some duffins, but the cronuts looked better, so I bought ...Read more

ATTENTION 'LOST IN SUBURBIA' EDITORS: THE FOLLOWING COLUMN IS BEING TRANSMITTED EARLY IN LIGHT OF THE HOLIDAY. THANK YOU. -- CREATORS

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My Squeegee Goals

"You're doing that wrong," my husband observed as I stepped out of the shower.

"Excuse me?"

"When you squeegee the glass, you're going down and across. You need to go across and down. ...Read more

For most people, the arrival of Labor Day means dealing with back-to-school issues and end-of-summer matters. But for me, there is a burning question of much greater importance:

Can I or can I not wear white after Labor Day?

I know, I'm a deep thinker.

I used to think that this rule was nonnegotiable, like no pajamas in public, no socks ...Read more

Every so often, I get an email of doom that has been sent to me along with everyone else on the planet. The latest one I received warned that we are on the verge of a severe Global Chocolate Shortage. The alleged cause is a combination of high demand and some alienesque choco-viruses that are attacking our beloved cocoa beans. Of course, since...Read more

As I plugged my phone into the outlet next to the toilet, I had a fleeting thought that it was sort of an odd place for an outlet. I guessed that the previous owners had installed it there precisely so they could charge their phone and use it while they were doing their business. That was actually the last thought I had before my phone slipped...Read more

As the only one in my family who drinks coffee, I often found myself making a whole pot of coffee in the morning and then throwing most of it out. Since I prefer not to waste money on anything except shoes, I finally decided to wise up and get one of those one-cup coffee makers.

I thought it would be fairly easy to find a replacement, but ...Read more

I have often written about my mishaps and unfortunate interactions with suburban flora and fauna. In addition to my encounters with poison ivy and other nasty weeds, I have come up against grouchy uber-woodchucks, manic squirrels and psycho wild turkeys, to name a few. Although I have taken it all in stride, my husband thinks I have an ...Read more

Dear Company That Makes All My Skincare Products:

I'm writing to tell you that I am a BIG fan of your products. They work wonderfully and I'm truly thrilled that you have products that meet all my needs: moisturizer, sun protection, hair care and deodorant. I also like the way everything is in similar-sized tubes, so it all looks nice when ...Read more

I'm a relatively quiet sleeper. I don't talk in my sleep. I don't snore in my sleep... much. I don't do sleep yoga or sleep Pilates or hit tennis balls in my sleep. My husband sometimes conducts in his sleep, but he is a composer, so I suppose that somewhat makes sense. I have a friend who shouts out random words in her sleep, like "PLATYPUS,"...Read more

My husband has never been a coffee drinker. He'll go for an extremely sweetened cappuccino every now and then that would induce sugar shock in most people, but typically he's more of a tea kind of guy. Still, he's always respected our hot drink differences and although he's suggested I decaf a bit, he's never sunk to doomsday tactics to get me...Read more

My daughter came into the world with a blast of fireworks. Of course, the fact that it was the Fourth of July may have had something to do with it. Still, I expected all the hoopla that day to be in the sky, not in the delivery room. But she decided it would be cool to share her birthday with the country, and who was I to disagree? However, ...Read more