Pop Goes the Sleepwalker
One morning I got up and found popcorn in my bed.
Since I never eat anything in bed and since I knew I did not have any popcorn before I went to bed, I had no idea why my bed looked like the floor of a movie theater cineplex.
"Did you have popcorn in bed last night?" I asked my husband.
He gave me that look he always gives me when I ...Read more
Eye See You
"Honey, have you seen my eyeglasses?" yelled my husband from another room. I sighed. This was not the first time he had lost his glasses, and I knew from past experience that the hunt could take a few minutes or a few days, depending on the blendability of the glasses-to-background ratio.
"Where do you last remember seeing them?" I asked him.
I Ski, Therefore I Fall
I am not a terrible skier, but I am not a particularly good skier either. On the Official Learned-as-an-Adult Ski Scale, I fall somewhere between a 3-year-old on the bunny slopes and those beginner adults you see on the intermediate slopes with their arms flailing wildly and their faces frozen in an expression of sheer panic. Having skied for ...Read more
Let's All Go Bananas
"Do you think I should make some banana bread?" I asked my husband.
"I don't know," he replied. "Do you think I should build a bookcase?"
"Why would you want to build a bookcase?" I asked him.
"Well, it seems as random as you asking me if you should make banana bread."
I decided if I did make banana bread, he definitely wasn't going to get ...Read more
Snistle While You Work
"You were making some weird noises last night when you were sleeping," I said to my husband as I made the bed. He was shaving in the bathroom and stuck his head out to protest.
"Two weeks ago, you said I was talking in my sleep, and now I'm making weird noises?" he replied. "So, what now? Was I snoring?"
"No, it wasn't snoring."
"Was it a ...Read more
The Adventures of Mr. Fixit
"I'll be right back," said my husband as he headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" I demanded. We were in the middle of moving some of our stuff out of storage and putting some other stuff back in. It was a relatively massive job, and I was counting on my husband to do all the heavy lifting while I sat, ate bonbons and pointed.
"I need a ...Read more
Hide and Seek Valentine
After 30 years of marriage, you wouldn't think I would hold out much hope that my husband would remember Valentine's Day and get me a gift. Still, eternal optimist that I am, I kept my fingers crossed for something small and shiny, or at least medium-sized and chocolaty, or possibly large and flowery.
It's not unthinkable that he would forget ...Read more
A Dizzying Array of Celebrity Groundhogs
Last year I had a real problem with Groundhog Day. The issue was that there were just too darn many celebrity groundhogs with differing predictions for the end of winter, and I didn't know who to believe. Between world-renowned rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, lesser-known wonder woodchuck, Staten Island Chuck, and scores of others, the playing field ...Read more
Who's Calling, Please?
Receptionist: "Dr. Zucker's office. This is Charlene."
Me: "Hi, this is Tracy Beckerman..."
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name."
Me: "No, I'M Tracy Beckerman. You didn't let me finish."
Receptionist: "I don't understand. Why are you calling for yourself?"
Me: (Sigh.) "I'm not. I'm calling for Dr. Zucker."
Tuck, Tuck, Goose
We are having some conflict in our house.
No, it's not about politics or religion or whose turn it is to take out the garbage.
It's about something much bigger.
It's about how to fold a fitted sheet.
This is how I do it:
Step No. 1: Take the corner of one side and tuck it into the corresponding corner of the other.
Step No. 2: Repeat the ...Read more
Wait Training at the Gym
On a normal day, I can usually score a parking spot at the health club within four spots of the door. But the week after New Year's I will usually arrive at the gym and find the lot so completely full, I'll be forced to park in Suburbia Siberia.
"I got my workout just walking from the car to the club," I whined to the gym employee at the front ...Read more
What Not to Eat
I recently took a food test online. There was a list of 50 foods, and you got one point for every food you wouldn't eat. I got a zero. I actually wasn't surprised. There aren't many foods I won't eat, except maybe fish eyeballs, and fortunately, those weren't on the test. Of course, there are some foods I prefer not to eat. But if the planet was...Read more
We Pause for this Commercial Interruption
'Twas two days after Christmas and all through the town
The lights and the wreaths were all coming down.
The shoppers had shopped, the gifts had gone back,
The bills from the credit cards were all in a stack.
The eggnog was gone, the tips had been tipped,
The gift to Aunt Millie had finally been shipped.
The lines at the mall were finally ...Read more