ArcaMax

As I was writing on my laptop in the living room, I soon became aware of a constant swooshing sound coming from down the hall. Having been down this swooshing road before, I knew immediately what the problem was.

Our toilet was running.

"What's wrong with the toilet?" asked my husband when he noticed that the toilet seemed to be flushing ...Read more

"Did you know that you can burn FIVE THOUSAND calories a day shearing sheep?!" I exclaimed to my husband. "If I did that, I could eat anything I want."

He gave me the look he always gives me when I say something truly off-the-wall and he debates committing me to a psychiatric ward for a 24-hour hold.

"And how many sheep do you think you could ...Read more

Scene: In the dark of night, a tiny object plummets invisibly to the earth. Glowing with the searing heat of the Earth's atmosphere, it arrives on the planet as a tiny fireball before slamming into the ground in a suburban backyard. Its flames immediately extinguished by the tiny impact, its arrival goes undetected by the slumbering people ...Read more

"Ow!" I exclaimed, clutching my leg. "I've been stabbed!"

I looked down and saw my attacker, an innocent-looking barrel cactus hanging out nonchalantly on the side of the path in the garden center. I would have taken a moment to appreciate the organic symmetry of the perfectly round plant, but I had two dozen small cactus needles impaled in the...Read more

Husband: Honey, can you call the duct company? We need to get our ducts cleaned.

Me: We have ducks?

Him: Of course we have ducts.

Me: Where are they?

Him: They're in every room of the house.

Me: You're telling me we have ducks in the house.

Him: Yes. Every house has ducts.

Me: Every house has ducks?

...Read more

When my dad made his speech at my wedding 30 years ago, he said, "Life doesn't begin at 40. It begins when the kids move out and the dog dies."

I'm pretty sure he was talking about his life, not mine, since I had neither kids nor a dog at that point. But he did, and he was apparently thrilled that my husband would be taking me off his hands. ...Read more

Usually, when someone goes to the dentist, they worry about things like cavities and gingivitis and whether they will be shamed for not flossing enough.

For me, it's the toilet paper.

I didn't actually realize this would be something of concern until I ducked into the bathroom before my appointment. As I wrapped things up and went to grab some...Read more

When I'm in the mood to be traumatized, I usually just go bathing suit shopping. Jeans shopping runs a close second. But when I really want to be both traumatized and insulted, I can always count on the ladies at the makeup counter of the department store to help me out.

"Can I help you?" asked the woman with dramatically arched, drawn-on ...Read more

I stared down at the package of false eyelashes lying innocuously on my bathroom counter. I'd be lying if I said they didn't look like two creepy spiders, vacuum-sealed in plastic. Nevertheless, they were certainly feathery and lush, and longer than my eyelashes, so I figured that, spiders or not, I was going to figure out how to glue them on my...Read more

I have very short and spiky hair. In order to maintain its shape, I need to get it cut every four weeks. You could see how this could be a problem during the pandemic when going to the hair salon was not an option. As my hair began to resemble a cereal bowl in the worst possible way (is there a good possible way?), it was clear I would either ...Read more

Usually when one of our appliances dies, we get some kind of warning. When the dishwasher went, it started flooding. When the refrigerator's time was up, it started slowly getting warmer. And we knew the oven's days were numbered when it started smoking and I wasn't even cooking anything.

But there was no sign that our microwave was on its last...Read more

Whenever my husband goes out of town, I cheat. I figure what he doesn't know won't hurt him, and since there's no way for him to find out that I cheated, why not have some fun while he's out of town?

Do I feel guilty about this? Maybe a bit. But only because I know that my indiscretions may eventually catch up with me in the end. You see, I don...Read more

I have to admit I'm not the most savvy sports enthusiast. Fortunately, what I lack in knowledge, I more than make up for in enthusiasm. I am a loyal fan, and I will root fervently for the team with the best uniforms. I'm kidding, of course. I'm not that shallow. I actually root for the team with the cutest players.

So, when I found out we were ...Read more