ArcaMax

After 30 years of marriage, you wouldn't think I would hold out much hope that my husband would remember Valentine's Day and get me a gift. Still, eternal optimist that I am, I kept my fingers crossed for something small and shiny, or at least medium-sized and chocolaty, or possibly large and flowery.

It's not unthinkable that he would forget ...Read more

Last year I had a real problem with Groundhog Day. The issue was that there were just too darn many celebrity groundhogs with differing predictions for the end of winter, and I didn't know who to believe. Between world-renowned rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, lesser-known wonder woodchuck, Staten Island Chuck, and scores of others, the playing field ...Read more

Receptionist: "Dr. Zucker's office. This is Charlene."

Me: "Hi, this is Tracy Beckerman..."

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name."

Me: "No, I'M Tracy Beckerman. You didn't let me finish."

Receptionist: "I don't understand. Why are you calling for yourself?"

Me: (Sigh.) "I'm not. I'm calling for Dr. Zucker."

...Read more

We are having some conflict in our house.

No, it's not about politics or religion or whose turn it is to take out the garbage.

It's about something much bigger.

It's about how to fold a fitted sheet.

This is how I do it:

Step No. 1: Take the corner of one side and tuck it into the corresponding corner of the other.

Step No. 2: Repeat the ...Read more

On a normal day, I can usually score a parking spot at the health club within four spots of the door. But the week after New Year's I will usually arrive at the gym and find the lot so completely full, I'll be forced to park in Suburbia Siberia.

"I got my workout just walking from the car to the club," I whined to the gym employee at the front ...Read more

I recently took a food test online. There was a list of 50 foods, and you got one point for every food you wouldn't eat. I got a zero. I actually wasn't surprised. There aren't many foods I won't eat, except maybe fish eyeballs, and fortunately, those weren't on the test. Of course, there are some foods I prefer not to eat. But if the planet was...Read more

'Twas two days after Christmas and all through the town

The lights and the wreaths were all coming down.

The shoppers had shopped, the gifts had gone back,

The bills from the credit cards were all in a stack.

The eggnog was gone, the tips had been tipped,

The gift to Aunt Millie had finally been shipped.

The lines at the mall were finally ...Read more

"What is all this?" asked my husband when he walked in the door. He waved at a big stack of gifts assembled in front of the fireplace.

"Those are presents," I said.

"I know they're presents," he said. "But who are they for?"

"The dog," I said.

"The dog?"

"Yes, the dog."

"And why does the dog get presents?" he asked.

"Because he's been a ...Read more

As I circled the mall parking lot for the 30th time, I finally saw a pair of red lights two rows over that let me know someone was pulling out. I quickly threw my car into reverse and sped over to the row. But as I arrived at the spot and put on my turn signal, another car arrived at the same time from the opposite direction and put his turn ...Read more

The great thing about handbags is that no matter how much weight you gain or lose, they always fit. This is why I love bags and have more of them than I am willing to admit in a column or a court of law.

As obsessions go, it is a relatively harmless one. The only downside is moving all my stuff from one bag to another. In an effort to simplify ...Read more

"Can you pick up some more tissues at the supermarket?" I asked my husband.

"I'm not going out right now," he replied. "Just use toilet paper."

I looked at him, aghast.

"I can't do that," I said. "It'll scratch my nose."

"Does it scratch your butt?"

"No."

"Then why would it scratch your nose?" he wondered.

"Hmph," I hmphed.

I shook my ...Read more

There was a wild turkey in the middle of the road. And this turkey, it seemed, was in no hurry to go anywhere.

Had it been the size of a normal turkey, I would have just honked, or gotten out of the car and shooed it away. But this was not a normal turkey. This was a ginormous turkey. This was a turkey on poultry steroids... switched at birth...Read more

"What did you say?" said my husband. "You think I need to get my meerkat net?"

"No. I said, 'I think you need to get your hearing checked!'" I sighed.

"My hearing is fine," he argued. "You were mumbling."

I shook my head. I am not a mumbler. Nor am I a soft talker or a dog whisperer. If anything, I'm typically whisper-challenged, which is why...Read more