Breaking the Bank
I'd always had a good relationship with my bank machine. I gave it checks; it gave me money; it seemed like everyone got something out of the arrangement. But one day I stopped off to make my weekly deposit, slid my checks in as usual and waited. Instead of the usual clicking noise, I heard something that sounded suspiciously like paper being....Read more
An Insect Tale for the Ages
I couldn't help but notice the giant bug thing when it appeared out of nowhere and jumped up into my face.
"AAAAHHHH!" I screamed, like any normal person would do when a giant bug thing jumps into her face.
"Bowie," I said to the dog beside me once I recovered from the shock. "Get the giant bug thing!"
My faithful dog, my protector, my ...Read more
Mother Knows Best
As I was perusing the card aisle a week before Mother's Day, I noticed that the store had already started replacing the Mother's Day cards with Father's Day cards, and I realized I'd better start thinking about what to get my mother this year before my only remaining option was a stuffed teddy bear left over from Valentine's Day. When I was ...Read more
Shaking in My Shoes
When I found the boots, it was love at first footwear.
They were a unicorn, or in this case, a shoenicorn. The designer only made one pair in each size and after each pair was sold, that was it. Gone. Dunzo. No-shoe-nus, no-more-nus.
I quickly snapped them up but realized I was going to have to treasure and protect these shoes because once ...Read more
Call Me, Maybe
"Hello?" I said, picking up the phone from an unknown caller.
"We're calling about your car's extended warranty," said the robotic female voice on the other end of the phone.
"STOP CALLING ME!" I shouted to the bot who clearly couldn't hear me and didn't care. I hit "end," but wished I still had an old-fashioned phone so I could slam the ...Read more
The Round Knife Rolley Thing
"Have you seen the round knife rolley thing?" asked my husband, moving his arm back and forth in a slicing motion.
"The what?" I asked, half paying attention while I perused the internet on my laptop.
"The round knife rolley thing," he said. "You know, for slicing pizza."
"You mean the pizza wheel?" I asked.
"It's in the ...Read more
Egg on My Face
I had to roast an egg. I wondered: How hard could it be? I've made hard- and soft-boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, poached eggs and omelets. They all came out perfectly every time. People loved my eggs. They devoured my eggs. If there were an egg kingdom, I would be the queen of eggs.
But I had never roasted an egg.
No one ever actually eats a ...Read more
What's in Your Pocket?
"Is that a new jacket?" my husband asked me as I put my jacket on to leave.
"Yes!" I exclaimed excitedly.
"Did you need a new jacket?" he said.
"No," I said honestly. "But I had to buy this one."
"Because..." (I paused dramatically). "It has 12 pockets!"
I waited for him to respond with appropriate enthusiasm, but he just stared ...Read more
Pop Goes the Sleepwalker
One morning I got up and found popcorn in my bed.
Since I never eat anything in bed and since I knew I did not have any popcorn before I went to bed, I had no idea why my bed looked like the floor of a movie theater cineplex.
"Did you have popcorn in bed last night?" I asked my husband.
He gave me that look he always gives me when I ...Read more
Eye See You
"Honey, have you seen my eyeglasses?" yelled my husband from another room. I sighed. This was not the first time he had lost his glasses, and I knew from past experience that the hunt could take a few minutes or a few days, depending on the blendability of the glasses-to-background ratio.
"Where do you last remember seeing them?" I asked him.
I Ski, Therefore I Fall
I am not a terrible skier, but I am not a particularly good skier either. On the Official Learned-as-an-Adult Ski Scale, I fall somewhere between a 3-year-old on the bunny slopes and those beginner adults you see on the intermediate slopes with their arms flailing wildly and their faces frozen in an expression of sheer panic. Having skied for ...Read more
Let's All Go Bananas
"Do you think I should make some banana bread?" I asked my husband.
"I don't know," he replied. "Do you think I should build a bookcase?"
"Why would you want to build a bookcase?" I asked him.
"Well, it seems as random as you asking me if you should make banana bread."
I decided if I did make banana bread, he definitely wasn't going to get ...Read more