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Who Turned Out the Lights?

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

When the time came to get new eyeglasses, I decided I was ready for an upgrade. The optician told me I could get transition lenses that would turn dark when I was in the sun, so instead of having a regular pair of eyeglasses and a second pair of prescription sunglasses, I'd have one pair that would do everything. If I could just get them to ...Read more

Hello, It's Me, Aloe

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

According to some experts, it's advisable to practice taking care of something living before you have kids. A lot of people start out with a pet. But before you have pets, you might need to first be able to keep a houseplant alive. And if you find you really stink at this caretaking thing, you might even want to take one step back beyond that ...Read more

The Dreaming of the Shrew

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

"You were talking in your sleep last night," I said to my husband when he stumbled into the kitchen that morning. I handed him a cup of espresso to jolt him out of his coma.

"No, I wasn't," he said.

"How would you know?" I said. "You were asleep. I was not asleep ... because you were talking in your sleep."

"I don't talk in my sleep," he ...Read more

It All Comes Out in the End

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

"What's with all the Gatorade?" said my husband when I walked in the door with two bulging bags of the stuff.

"It's for tonight," I said matter-of-factly.

"Is there a special occasion that calls for large amounts of fluorescent green liquid to be ingested?" he asked, wondering if perhaps he'd forgotten an obscure holiday that was celebrated ...Read more

To All the Jeans I've Loved Before

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

Since I work from home, I don't generally get dressed up for the occasion. Most of the time, I consider it a successful day if I change out of my bathrobe and put on actual clothes. Because of this, I don't have a lot of fancy clothes and most of what I do have can easily be thrown in the wash.

This arrangement has always worked out fine ...Read more

Join the Club

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

"I got an invitation on Facebook to join the Magnetic Eyelashes Fan Club," I told my husband as I stared at my computer screen.

"What does that even mean?" he asked incredulously.

"It's a group on Facebook for people who like magnetic eyelashes, I assume."

"Is that a thing?" he asked.

"Apparently," I said. "Although I don't wear fake ...Read more

The Case of the Puffy Face

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

Even before I looked in the mirror, I knew my face was puffy. It might have had something to do with the fact that I could feel my cheeks touching my eyebrows, or maybe that my lips felt like they were the size of eggplants. I knew some women paid good money for lips that looked like mine, but at that moment, I suspected it was probably not a ...Read more

Riding the Wave

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

We hadn't had the new microwave that long when, all of a sudden, it decided it just didn't want to microwave anymore.

"You had one job," I said to the microwave, chastising it after it failed to reheat some leftovers. "Is that really so hard?"

Naturally, I had no idea what went into making a microwave microwave. I assumed it probably had ...Read more

A Grand Doggie Affair

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

"Bowie has a girlfriend," I announced to my husband. "She's a golden retriever and her name is Susie."

"That's unlikely," he said. "Did you forget that he's neutered?"

"He can still enjoy a girl dog's company," I replied.

I looked over at Bowie sprawled out on the living room rug. He had just returned from his daily midday walk with several...Read more

Ain't That a Shame

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

"Are you ready to order?" asked the server. It was our first time at a new restaurant and everything looked tempting to me. Even the sugar packets looked good.

"I'd like the fish tacos," I said. "But what kind of tortillas do they come with? I'm gluten-free."

"They come with corn tortillas," she said. "But we can also do them as lettuce ...Read more

A Chip Off the Old Tooth

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

After making it through the challenges of Thanksgiving, the trials of Black Friday, and the marathon of Christmas and New Year's, I chipped a tooth brushing my teeth.

I'd have to say that typically I am not an aggressive tooth brusher. I have an electric toothbrush that does most of the brushing for me, and it's generally a pretty amicable ...Read more

Sharpening My Spidey-Sense

Humor / Tracy Beckerman /

"Holy Cow," I shouted. "There's a giant spider on the wall. I think it's a tarantula!"

"It's not a tarantula," said my husband, looking up from his computer. "There are no tarantulas around here."

"Then it's a wolf spider," I said.

"What, are you suddenly an Arachnologist?" He wondered.

"What's that? An expert in peanut butter?"

"No. Why ...Read more

 

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