ArcaMax

While I was driving in the car, I heard an ad on the radio for oven mitts.

"Sometimes, taking pants out of the oven can be too hot to handle!" exclaimed the announcer.

I gaped at the radio. What was the announcer talking about? Who puts their pants in the oven? At first, I thought this was really odd, but then I recalled that I know someone ...Read more

"You should get a shingles vaccine," said my doctor at my annual checkup. "You can get it at the same time you get your flu shot at the pharmacy."

"Does it hurt?" I asked as I slipped back into my boots. I knew it was kind of a dumb question, because of course it would hurt. I mean, come on; shots hurt. When your kids are little, you pretend ...Read more

Beep.

I heard the sound in my sleep. At first it was a part of my dream, but as I started to wake up, I realized it was actually coming from somewhere in the house. I listened closely trying to place it and realized it sounded a little like the warning sound a smoke alarm gives off when the battery is dying. At this point I was wide awake and...Read more

My dog is not a big fan of heavy metal music. He doesn't mind a few bars of country music, and he seems to appreciate jazz and classical, although he is indifferent to opera.

But strangely, oddly, and most un-doglike, he really, really seems to like anything that features...

A harmonica.

Yes, a harmonica. Not a banjo, or a cello, or even a ...Read more

Apparently, there is a warrant out for my arrest.

I'm not sure exactly what it is that I did wrong, but according to the voicemail I got, I had 24 hours to call a certain phone number or the local police were going to come arrest me.

Then the voice on the other end of the line wished me a nice day.

I don't know how you're supposed to have a...Read more

Most of the time, my tongue and my teeth are blissfully unaware of each other. They each just do their thing, and everyone gets along just fine. But then one day I lost the bonding on the back of my bottom front tooth and suddenly my tongue was all over it. My tongue was like "tooth tooth tooth tooth tooth" all the time until it was raw and ...Read more

Any armchair theoretical physicist knows that Stephen Hawking had pursued a lifelong quest to come up with a Theory of Everything. This all-encompassing theory would tie together general relativity (large-scale and high-mass galaxies, stars, etc.), quantum theory (quantum mechanics, quarks, atoms, subatomic particles) and Newtonian physics (...Read more

I am well known in these parts for my unresolved appliance aggressions. I have killed one microwave, three toaster ovens, one coffee maker and a garage refrigerator. Well, actually, my car killed the garage refrigerator. But I guess I am complicit because I was driving the car.

In my defense of these crimes, in most cases, the appliances were...Read more

My husband and I just celebrated 31 years of marriage. We have a lot to show for it, including two adult kids, a daughter-in-law and a daughter-in-law-to-be. When they asked me what the secret to a long, successful marriage was, I told them two things:

No. 1: Never go to bed angry.

No. 2: Know where he puts his shoes.

As the wife, I seem to...Read more

"I think we should talk about the elephant in the room," said my husband.

"What are you talking about?" I asked innocently.

"The elephant... on the couch," he said.

I glanced over at the couch. Propped up in the corner was our new throw pillow. It was taupe and white and complemented the couch beautifully. It also happened to have elephants...Read more

Dear Leggings,

I think we need to talk. There was a time when you always had my back... or, at least, my backside. You made me look darn good in boots and in sneakers, at the gym and on the street. You stuck by me through college, through babies, and after babies, which was infinitely worse, and never let so much as a muffin top come between ...Read more

"Ummm, this is good," said my husband with a mouth full of food. "What is it?"

I looked up from the kitchen sink where I was doing dishes. "It's a cronut."

"A what?"

"A cronut. It's part croissant, part doughnut."

He looked at me like I had two heads.

"I was actually going to get some duffins, but the cronuts looked better, so I bought ...Read more

ATTENTION 'LOST IN SUBURBIA' EDITORS: THE FOLLOWING COLUMN IS BEING TRANSMITTED EARLY IN LIGHT OF THE HOLIDAY. THANK YOU. -- CREATORS

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My Squeegee Goals

"You're doing that wrong," my husband observed as I stepped out of the shower.

"Excuse me?"

"When you squeegee the glass, you're going down and across. You need to go across and down. ...Read more