A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".
Darla had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.
"Pretty good, I think," replied Darla, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."
Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"
"No", replied Darla, "but right on the application ...Read more
What do witches eat at Halloween?
Spooketti, halloweenies, devils food cake and booberry pie!
What's Dracula's car called?
A mobile blood unit!
What do you call a hairy beast with clothes on?
Why did the witch go over the mountain?
Because she couldn't go under it!
Why didn't the skeleton want to play ...Read more
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.
All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from ...Read more
Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges
50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss
Baby Conceived Naturally
It Wasn't the Cigarettes -- It Was the Ashtrays
Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past With US President
Florida to Be Readmitted to Union
Plague of...Read more
The federal government has been closed for 26 days, and experts say the shutdown could cause the economy to shrink. Then the president said, ‘No, it’s only shrinking cause it’s cold outside.’
Netflix just announced they will be raising subscription prices by up to $2 a month. Yeah, I know, this is awful news for the person whose account you use.
It’s a win-win, for us and for you. The federal employees can go back to work, you can get back to doing what you do best: cheating at golf. It’s good for you, and it’s good for America. We need you out on the golf course as much as possible — to keep from you doing things! So think about it. Let’s play our way out of the rough ...Read more
Today is day 26 of the government shutdown which is the longest shutdown ever. Since no one seems to be able to get any movement on this, Jimmy makes his case directly to Donald Trump.
I know it doesn’t mean much to Donald Trump that a bunch of Americans are being forced to work without paychecks. But I know what does matter to you. I know what you care about down to the bottom of your Kentucky-fried little heart. And that is golf. With one crazy zigzag stroke of your executive Sharpie, you could be back on the greens at Mar...Read more
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan.
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter.
She sees, "My Sin", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".
She says to the salesperson, "I don't want to get emotionally involved...I just want to smell nice."
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting t! o subdue a gunman...Read more
James Corden challenges Terry Crews to see how many objects he can carry at once around Stage 56 and one lucky audience member gets to keep everything Terry is able to hold.
In an interview with The New York Times, Steve King basically said that he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with being a white supremacist. Now, that feels like a pretty racist thing to say — which makes it even more surprising that Trump isn’t following this. I mean, you’d think an algorithm would have recommended it by now. It’...Read more
You haven’t been following it? What else are you doing? [impersonating Trump] ‘I’m extremely busy, folks. You think a name like “Jeff Bozo” just comes out of nowhere, huh? Genius like that takes time!’
That’s right, in addition to ‘hamberders,’ there were ‘chorken nerglets,’ ‘fronch firs,’ ‘felayshofitch’ and of course ‘pizzazz.’
You say hamburgers, I say hamberders. Let's call the whole presidency off!