A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him ...Read more
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling...Read more
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the ...Read more
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get ...Read more
Question: Why did the chicken lay an egg?
Answer: Because it would break if she dropped it!
Question: Where did the chicken go on her vacation?
Answer: Sandy Eggo
Question: Why did the egg cross the street?
Answer: To get to the shell station.
Question: Why did the chicken lay her eggs on a axe?
Answer: She ...Read more
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and...Read more
A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."
Q: What is a ghost's favourite day of the week?
Q: Where do Chinese vampires come from?
Q: Why did the skeleton pupil stay late at school?
A: He was boning up for his exams!
Q: How do you join the Dracula fan club?
A: Send your name, address and blood group!
Q: What do you call a stupid ...Read more
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better. Her title: 'Nun of Your Business.'
Q: How do geologists like their scotch? A: On the rocks.
How is the Force Like Ducktape?
It has a light side and it has a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Q. Why do aliens make crop circles?
A. Because they are corny.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
Why has astrology been invented?
So that economics could be an accurate science.
The chickens in a large hen house started to quarrel, wounded each other and many of them died every day. The upset farmer hurried to a consultant, and asked for a solution to his problem.
"Add baking-powder to the chickens' food," said the consultant, "it will calm them down."
After a week the farmer came back to the consultant and said: "My ...Read more
A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with "Once Upon A Time?"
"No," he replied. "A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"
Trump was getting on Air Force One to head to Mar-A-Lago for the weekend when the wind blew his hair in a very peculiar way. We were so taken by this video that we decided to go around town to ask real hair styling professionals what they think about whatever that is on Donald Trump’s head.
How racist are your treasured family trinkets? Ashley Nicole Black knows! Bring 'em on down to The Racist Roadshow.
Two non-Texans are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'...Read more
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides.
Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks."
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue ...Read more
It can buy you a House,
But not a Home.
It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.
It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.
It can buy you a Book,
But not Knowledge.
It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.
It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.
It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.
It can buy you Sex,...Read more