... continued from above
7) I will read a book... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
... continued from above
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; 'NOW we can begin.'
When making small talk and the Simpson trial comes up, shout: You mean Homer and Marge are in some kind of trouble?'
Sniff two of your fingers hold out toward interviewer, ask; 'smell these, ...Read more
Father: How were the exam questions?
Father: Then why look so unhappy?
Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
Where was the Magna Carta signed?
At the bottom!
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough,...Read more
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single ...Read more
I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?
You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.
Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.
My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice ...Read more
Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continues to face opposition. It's gotten so bad that Ivanka Trump has told her father to "cut bait" and nominate someone else. Ivanka said it's a lost cause, and it's better to just let him go and start fresh with someone new — to which Melania said, "Hey, great advice!"
President Trump yesterday released a video thanking first responders of Hurricane Florence, and said this. "This is a tough hurricane. One of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water." Oh, my God. Talking about the weather is what people do when they know they're bad at talking and don't want to embarrass themselves.
Hurricane Florence has stopped dumping rain but rivers are rising, power's out in a lot of places, floods are threatening residents in the Carolinas. The president, though, is on top of the situation. Fear not, he went to Costco. He bought a 24-pack of those big paper towels and he flew straight to the scene.
Senator Orrin Hatch defends Brett Kavanaugh against sexual assault allegations on the basis that he knows him “very, very well.” But does he?
Today President Trump met with the victims of Hurricane Florence. The victims said, "This is the worst thing that's ever happened to us." Then they talked about the hurricane.
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I ...Read more
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to people you are with. I have no right to ...Read more
Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take ...Read more
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Kevin Hart tries to reach Dwayne Johnson to brag about co-hosting The Tonight Show but can't reach him - luckily, Jimmy gets through.
Following a contentious week of hearings, the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh has hit a major snag due to a recent sexual misconduct allegation. In an interview over the weekend, one Republican senator criticized the confirmation process as "an intergalactic freak show." Trump supporters then immediately complained that intergalactic...Read more
Following an accusation of sexual assault, Supreme Court Justice-nominee Brett Kavanaugh visited the White House today for the second day in a row. It's the first time an accused sexual assaulter has gotten into the White House without the Electoral College.
Stormy Daniels has written a book about Trump. An advance copy just came out. And she actually writes about her night with Trump in detail. Which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and a straw.
Sixty-five women signed onto a letter defending Brett Kavanaugh's character amid sexual assault allegations. Now they're nowhere to be found.