An English teacher wrote this phrase on the board and asked her students to properly punctuate it:

"Woman without her man is nothing."

MEN WROTE: Woman, without her man, is nothing.

WOMEN WROTE: Woman! Without her, man is nothing.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He...Read more

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. ...Read more

The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:

"Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!"

"Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you...Read more

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their ...Read more

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.

"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old ... it's the thought that he's married to a grandmother.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but monkey hindquarters.

- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

- He who eats too many prunes, sits on potty many moons.

- Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

- Man who make love to girl on hill...he not on level.

- Honeymoon over when man who whispered sweet nothings before now say nothing sweet...Read more

A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the ...Read more

Bob Gibson, known for his sarcastic wit, caught teammate Curt Flood off guard with a rare compliment as Gibson watched him take batting practice."Way to hit the ball, roomie. If I could hit the ball that way, I'd take off my toeplate and retire from pitching," Gibson said.

Flood smiled.

"In fact, roomie,'' Gibson continued, "If I hit the way ...Read more

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish!

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, ...Read more

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:

- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his ...Read more

A university professor in Japan is under investigation after he taught his science class how to make the drug ecstasy. To be fair, teaching your students how to make ecstasy seems like a great idea — when you are on ecstasy.

James Corden

Easter is this Sunday. ‘He is risen!’ said the White House staff around 11 a.m.

Seth Meyers

Carl’s Jr. is testing out a CBD-infused burger. So far it’s working, ’cause customers eat the burger, walk outside, look up and say, ‘Sweet! Carl’s Jr.!’ and then walk back inside.

Jimmy Fallon

(Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg) was heckled by an anti-gay protester. Yeah, Buttigieg handled it like a pro, and said, ‘Settle down, Mr. Vice President.

Conan O'Brien