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If Cats Said "Mom" Instead of "Meow"

Humor / Jokes /

If Cats Said "Mom" Instead of "Meow" ... I hope you find this as funny as we do.

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

The Trump administration has unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.”

Stephen Colbert

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding a ring inside his stomach wound and asking her to change the dressing. And this is exciting: She said “gross!”

Seth Meyers

Late Night Funny #2

Humor / Jokes /

It’s been reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from prison this year. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Finally, someone to play golf with.”

Conan O'Brien

Stephen Has An Unpopular Opinion On Trump's Budget

Humor / Jokes /

Stephen stance on the White House's proposed slashing of the food stamp program and children's health insurance program is somehow radical in 2017.

Late Night Funny #1

Humor / Jokes /

A new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did. Though to be fair, Girl Scout cookies wouldn’t have made as much money if it weren’t for marijuana.

Jimmy Fallon

Leaning Left

Humor / Jokes /

I have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, he refused... told me I was crazy.

But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 of an inch shorter than his right. A quick...Read more

Computer Programming

Humor / Jokes /

More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.

The Army

Humor / Jokes /

A man was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I ...Read more

Science

Humor / Jokes /

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway.

Flight Time

Humor / Jokes /

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Mutual Attraction

Humor / Jokes /

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Patient Will Live

Humor / Jokes /

On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exacty." The doctor then began listing orders:

"You must give an injection in a different...Read more

Get Better Soon

Humor / Jokes /

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better,...Read more

Flakey Murder

Humor / Jokes /

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last...Read more

School Report

Humor / Jokes /

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

"Isn't there a movie about that?" she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, "Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like 'Finding Private Nemo'?"

Strangest Thing to Happen on Donald Trump’s Saudi Arabia Trip

Humor / Jokes /

President Trump was in Riyadh for the opening of something called “The Global Center for Combating Extremist Ideology” and he did the strangest thing a President has ever done.

Mirror Mirror - Simon's Cat

Humor / Jokes /

A cautious cat is challenged by a familiar adversary.

Late Night Funny #4

Humor / Jokes /

Now, I don't know about you, but I've got a little extra pep in my step tonight because Donald Trump has left the country. Breathing a little easier. Federal judges, now would be a good time to reinstate that travel ban.

Stephen Colbert

Late Night Funny #3

Humor / Jokes /

President Trump said today he never mentioned the word "Israel" as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That's like if your wife said, "Are you having an affair?" And you said, "I am not sleeping with Jenna."

Seth Meyers...Read more

 

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