Trump doubled down on his new nickname for Kim Jong Un. "Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime." Mr. President, don't give our enemies nicknames that make them sound cooler! "I will destroy Commander Jetpack and Admiral Ice Cream Sex Machine."

James Corden

During his address to the U.N. today, President Trump referred to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man." Even worse, he referred to nuclear missiles as "boom boom sticks." "Folks, the Rocket Man has boom boom sticks and there's a good chance we're all gonna go ka-blooey."

Seth ...Read more

Apple is exploring ways to turn Siri into people's personal therapist. In fact, this morning when I asked Siri for today's weather she said, "Stop trying to replace your father."

Conan O'Brien

Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, "This is Monopoly money."

Jimmy Fallon

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make ...Read more

Men are like fine wine...

They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

From my auto mechanic:

"That part is much less expensive than I thought."
"I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
"You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
"It was just a loose wire. No charge."

From my son's preschool teacher:

"Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."<...Read more

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

On Sunday, Donald Trump tweeted about North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, saying, “I spoke with President Moon of South Korea last night. I asked him how ‘Rocket Man’ is doing.” President Trump, you’ve already ruined enough; don’t ruin Elton John lyrics for us.

James Corden

In a speech to the United Nations General Assembly this morning, Donald Trump told world leaders that the U.N. needs to reform itself because it’s ineffective due to bureaucracy and mismanagement. And for the first time, every nation on Earth had a reason to come together: to roll their eyes at Donald Trump.

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-1999681">Read more

Over the weekend, President Trump retweeted a GIF of himself knocking Hillary Clinton down with a golf ball. In response, Hillary retweeted a GIF where she beat Trump by 3 million votes.

Conan O'Brien

A married couple in Louisiana was arrested after filming themselves having sex in a Walmart and a Burger King. Of course they were very embarrassed, so they told their friends it was a Target and a Wendy’s.

Jimmy Fallon

If a wizard was knocked out by Dracula in a fight what would he be?
Out for the count!

What kinds of wizards have their eyes closest together?
The smallest ones!

Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!

What happened to the wizard who ran away with the circus?
The police made him ...Read more

A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.

"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.

Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"