Isn’t building a wall kind of a long-term way to approach a supposed ‘emergency’? That’s like trying to save a drowning man by drinking the lake.”

Seth Meyers

A woman in England was searching a farm with a metal detector when she found what she thought was a foil-wrapped chocolate coin — only to find out later that it’s a 1,500-year-old solid gold pendant worth a fortune. Yeah, unbelievable: to get that close to finding chocolate only to be disappointed!

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2178547">Read more

You don’t say that out loud! [Impersonating Trump] ‘Hello, 911? I would like to call an Uber, but that would take too long. Please, send an ambulance. I want to go to the movies. No, no, no — of course I’m dying. I am dying to see ‘The Lego Movie 2.’

Stephen ...

You didn’t need to do this? Then it’s not an emergency! That’s the exact opposite of an emergency. That’s a choice. That’s like saying, ‘I’m having emergency surgery to get butt implants. I didn’t need to do this, but I hate doing squats.

Stephen Colbert

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years.

Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife. At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?"

Gus ...Read more

..They told me to meet them at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", they put "Sagittarius."
..They asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..They studied for a blood test.
..They thought they needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..They sold the car ...Read more

My wife and I were traveling on the Kansas Turnpike, bucking 30 to 45 m.p.h. crosswinds. At the tollbooth, I asked the attendant, "What do you people do in Kansas when the wind quits?"

The tollbooth attendant didn't miss a beat. She answered, "We take the rocks out of our pockets."

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seat belt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me...Read more

When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard.

He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shaven.

The following day, the check arrived from his mother.

‘No time left to run the government?’ You don’t run the government now! You’re basically the security guard in every heist movie. ‘Murph, wake up!’ ‘Duhh, I was just resting my eyes!’

Seth Meyers

Hidden Valley has just released a new version of their famous ranch dressing. They’re calling it their Blasted Ranch-Dipped Pizza Flavored Ranch. Yeah, you can look for it at your local supermarket in the aisle marked ‘She’s Never Coming Back, Is She?’

James Corden

Wow, that’s a serious walk-back. ‘Honey, I know you wanted a diamond engagement ring, but what about this candy necklace that says, ‘Hot and horny’? You can eat it! noting that Congress passed a bill that doesn’t include funding for a border wall, despite Trump’s insistence on $5.7 billion

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2178186">Read more

Joe Biden is reportedly still, still deciding whether or not to run in 2020. According to The Washington Post, he’s been eenie-meenie-miney-moeing for months now. And here’s the thing: By 2020, Joe Biden’s going to be 78 years old. The only thing he should be deciding is whether or not to stay up watching ‘NCIS’ at that age. If Biden ...Read more

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy ...Read more