When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."
Johnny said, "Angelina Jolie!"
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe.
They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load ...Read more
Q: What is a contingent fee?
A: A contingent fee means, if the lawyer doesn't win your suit, he gets nothing. If the lawyer does win it, you get nothing.
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.
One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put ...Read more
"Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 10-year old son.
"Bob," he said.
"And what's your cat's name?"
"Well, how do you keep them straight?" I asked.
"Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered.
"Go ahead and tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said......Read more
Astronomers announced today that they have discovered an earth-sized planet in our corner of the galaxy that is potentially habitable by humans. Yeah, they think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because we barely have those things here in Los Angeles. The planet in question orbits a star called Ross 128...Read more
North Korean state media today called President Trump a coward for canceling his visit to the demilitarized zone during his trip to Asia. Listen, President Trump is a lot of things, but a coward is just one of those things.
I read that Congress is debating if President Trump should have the power to order a nuclear strike. I guess right now it’s an even split between no and hell no.
Seth takes a closer look at a new sexual harassment allegation against Senator Al Franken and more women coming forward to accuse Roy Moore of sexually assaulting them as teenagers.
We’ve made important progress in the entertainment industry, but it’s not enough. Everyone in Hollywood is patting themselves on the back for exiling Harvey Weinstein, but this week The Hollywood Reporter raved about ‘Daddy’s Home 2,’ proclaiming, ‘Mel Gibson is once again family friendly.’ Because nothing says ‘family friendly��...Read more
... continued from above
"If you don't like the way I fly, stay out of the asteroid field"
"The only way they'll get my Standard-Imperial Blaster Rifle is if they pry it from my cold, dead hands"
"I brake for Wookies (But not for Ewoks)"
"Don't follow me - my hyperdrive is disabled"
Graduate of the Han Solo School of Asteroid Belt ...Read more
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.
Rule #2. The real world won't care as much ...Read more
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, ...Read more
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap ...Read more
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
This Thanksgiving, even if you’re opting for the vegan turkey substitute, take a moment of quiet reflection to recognize: PETA is pretty terrible.
In the ’80s, when he was a local assistant district attorney, Moore was banned from an Alabama shopping mall for bothering teenage girls. The only place in the mall the girls were safe was Forever 21, because that is way too old for Roy Moore.
President Trump is headed home after his trip to Asia. And I saw that at one point, 2,000 protesters in the Philippines were shouting, ‘Go home!’ While back in America, 60 million people were shouting, ‘Stay there!’”
Let me break it down like this: The TPP is a lot like T.P., O.K.? I’ll tell you what happened to me with my roommate once: He insisted on buying the [expletive] cheap toilet paper that you could find. I hated it, and I was like, ‘We gotta get rid of the toilet paper.’ So he did, but he didn’t replace it with anything else. And if you don...Read more
Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore had to travel out of town if he wanted Sbarro.