Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
... continued from above
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
March Planned For Next August
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Four Eggs who ?
Four Eggs ample !
Adolph ball hit me in de mowf. Dat's why I dawk dis way.
Camalot is where King Arthur lived.
In October 2022, Jonathan sat with legendary poet Benjamin Zephaniah in his final talk show appearance. The beloved speaker and Peaky Blinders star whose career spanned four decades, has passed away at age 65.
In this Cut for Time sketch a defendant (Adam Driver) pleads his case in court.
Tony Shalhoub talks about attending the same NFL game as Taylor Swift, reprising his role as Monk in Mr. Monk's Last Case: A Monk Movie and his wife playing multiple different characters in the original series.
Halle talks about living in the same building as her sister Chloe, stealing her packages, getting signed to a record contract by Beyonce, working with Oprah on their new movie The Color Purple and having to Christmas shop for her.
Gael García Bernal explains what lucha libre wrestling is, talks about meeting luchador Saúl Armendáriz, who he portrays in the film Cassandro, and the wrestling training he went through to prepare for role.
Anne Hathaway and Jimmy take turns giving each other clues to guess the random scenes happening behind them, like "Kiss standing under the mistletoe at an office holiday party," before the clock runs out.
A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the ...Read more
*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights
*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
*Inflatable dart boards
*A dictionary index
*Dehydrated water - Just add water
*Waterproof tea bags
*The helicopter ejector seat
Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty?
There's not a Single person in it.
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Why do eskimos wash their ...Read more
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You...Read more
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do ...Read more
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.