... continued from above

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols. Here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

...Read more

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love, REALLY ...Read more

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

- You ran away and they had to use all four ...Read more

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY ...Read more

Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?

They're making head lines across the nation!

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of ...Read more

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!

Doctor: Stay out of them places!

A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.

A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You...Read more

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida.

In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of ...Read more

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with...Read more

It just came out that Trump mocks Fox News host Sean Hannity behind his back for being a suck-up. When he heard that, Hannity was like, ‘Wow, that’s such a smart observation, Mr. President! It’s really amazing!’

Jimmy Fallon

Trump wants to raise tariffs on French wine, but since his son Eric runs an American winery, it could be a conflict of interest. Then Trump said, ‘That’s crazy. I have no interest in my son Eric.’

Jimmy Fallon

Kanye West says he did karaoke with Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg, and they sang the Backstreet Boys song ‘I Want It That Way.” When Trump saw Kanye hanging out with someone else, he was like, ‘Quit Playing Games With My Heart.’

Jimmy Fallon

That’s good news! President Trump is supporting bipartisan criminal justice reform, just in time for his entire administration to be indicted by Robert Mueller. He’s up there like, ‘These criminals deserve a second term — I mean, a second chance!’

Trevor Noah

When Johnny got arrested, they told him, "Anything you say will be held against you."

Johnny said, "Angelina Jolie!"