Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
... continued from above
6. "If you only knew the power of the Dork Side."
5. "How's about a long time of Joe, in a bedroom not far away?"
4. "Nice buns, Princess! On your head, that is."
3. "Honey, you've been looking for love in Alderaan places!"
2. "If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it ...Read more
What's happening when you hear "woof... splat... meow... splat?"
It's raining cats and dogs.
If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.
A Texas millionaire had fallen ill. The doctors consulted did not seem to understand what ailed him. The millionaire let it be known that any doctor who could heal him could have whatever he desired.
A country doctor was finally able to cure him, and as the doctor was leaving after a week's stay, the Texan said, "Doc! I am a man of my word. You...Read more
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Ooh, I want...Read more
The election was called so early, Newsom was able to get his beauty sleep, which, by the looks of him, is like 17 hours a day.
Sorry, California Republicans, I know you spent 20 months and millions of dollars on this recall, but you know what they say.: You win some, but not in California.”
California Gov. Gavin Newsom yesterday defeated a recall attempt by a nearly 2-to-1 margin, and Newsom was so relieved, his hair unclenched.
California Governor Gavin Newsom won the recall election despite candidate Caitlyn Jenner’s final push yesterday, Nicki Minaj tweeted Jimmy about interviewing her Cousin’s friend about his swollen testicles, Trump pushed back against a tell-all book that paints an ugly picture of his time in office and patted himself on the back when it ...Read more
On Tuesday’s late-night shows, Nicki Minaj’s tweets about her cousin’s friend in Trinidad who she said got swollen testicles after receiving the Covid vaccine were a hot topic. On Wednesday, the rapper responded to the hosts who had poked fun, including Jimmy Kimmel, who asked to be connected with the afflicted man, saying he had ...Read more
JoJo Siwa and Jimmy take turns using the dance move generator to make up random dances on the spot, like the "Glitter On My Sweater" and the "Flying Ponycopter."
I can’t believe I have to say this, but doctors agree that Covid vaccines do not cause swollen testicles. But to be fair to Dr. Minaj, everyone knows there’s no source more reliable than your extended family’s acquaintances in another country.
James Corden hailed Macdonald as “perhaps the single greatest guest in the history of late-night television.”
Norm Macdonald passed away today, far too soon, after a nine-year battle with cancer; a battle Norm never told anybody about, because all Norm ever wanted to do was to make us laugh, and he was absolutely brilliant at it. ...Read more
Jimmy Fallon called Macdonald one of his comedy idols — “a comic’s comic” — reciting a bit from Macdonald’s early stand-up sets he’d memorized.
He’s just one of the greatest comedians ever, and, God, we’re going to miss him. He was a friend of the show — family, really, to us.
James Corden notes the passing of legendary comedian Norm Macdonald, and he, Ian Karmel and Reggie Watts remember and pay tribute to such an influential figure.
The comedian Norm Macdonald died on Tuesday, and a few late-night hosts caught the news in time to honor the frequent guest and former “Saturday Night Live” cast member. Seth Meyers called the loss of Macdonald tragic, saying, “I do not think that Norm would want to hear anything sentimental.” Still, Meyers shared some of his favorite...Read more
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C.
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
LOGO's dead and buried,<...Read more