Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you?
Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
What's a mushroom?
The place they store the school food!
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?
Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!
My teacher reminds me of history
She's always ...Read more
A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.
The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
- Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
- Never talk to a man in a necessary room unless you are on equal footing. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
- ...Read more
- On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
- It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s ...Read more
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”
The blonde ...Read more
A new shift manager was being shown around the latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.
On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the ...Read more
...of Slow People
1. Slow people always walk side by side, even if they don't know each other.
2. They drive side by side, too. If they can't find another slow driver to pair up with, they drive in the fast lane.
3. Slow walkers never look back. When they drive, they never look in their rear view mirrors, either.
4. Slow people drift...Read more
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The ...Read more
Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock cricket game.
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
"What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a ...Read more
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, ...Read more
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in California, I was stopped by a state trooper in Kansas for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I...Read more
Rachel Zegler shares what incredible gifts Steven Spielberg gave the cast of West Side Story when production finished.
Peter O'Toole Talks Drinking Too Much, Friday The 13th, and Movies on Carson Tonight Show - 01/13/78
After watching George W. Bush make an incredible Freudian slip about his unjustified invasion of Iraq, Stephen wonders what else the former president might come clean about. He's also wondering just how terrified we should be about the news that a monkeypox outbreak has reached U.S. shores.
A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor.
"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man.
"She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron."
The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the ...Read more