A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching ...Read more

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".

"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.

The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible", said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them.

The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him -- and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy feathers.

Yep! That's what he gets for snorting quack.

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the ...Read more

Tonight President Trump held a big rally up in Minnesota. It’s part of his plan to get as far away from the Mexican border as possible.

Jimmy Fallon

Authorities in Florida are searching for two men who left an injured alligator at a convenience store. Said the alligator: ‘No, no, it’s cool. They said they’d “see me later.”

Seth Meyers

Sweet lord — ‘tender age shelter’? That’s a hell of a fancy way to pronounce ‘baby jail.’ That’s a real euphemism. It’s like calling a cross burning a ‘meatless barbecue.’

Trevor Noah

Trump made it a big signing ceremony to make it look like he did something good, instead of admitting he was just ending the evil thing he started. That’s like wanting credit for solving the crimes you committed. It’s all on the new CBS drama, ‘Murder, She Murdered.’

entertainment/humor/jokes/s-2094007">Read more

Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do ...Read more

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The ...Read more

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally ...Read more

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when ...Read more

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is ...Read more

Trump was a little confused. When the king asked him if he wanted to go to a tapas bar, Trump was like: ‘Yes, just don’t tell Melania. Is it totally topless?’

Jimmy Fallon

The king and queen of Spain visited Washington. When Trump first heard people speaking Spanish in the White House, he frantically pressed the silent alarm button under his desk.

Jimmy Fallon

According to Politico, White House chief of staff John Kelly has been going to the gym in the middle of the day. Well, that’s one sure way to not run into the boss. showing a photograph of President Trump

Seth Meyers