ArcaMax

Name: Lovebug #543,952

Location: All up in your business, floating into open mouths in the grocery store parking lot, landing on bare legs at the barbecue. You know how we do.

Age: I'm 2 days old (unless you count my six months as a larva), which means I only have a couple days left to live. This dating profile is actually really, uh, urgent. Please don't scroll away, baby girl.

Why I'm on this app: In case you haven't noticed, we're so back this year, grossing everybody out just like the old days. Now, we're not clocking the kind of 1970s numbers we need to be deemed a public safety hazard on roads, but we're working on rebuilding. I always say if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. And I don't want to mount just any female in the swarm. I want a 10/10, high-capacity mate committed to helping our crew multiply and pollinate with the sexiest energy possible.

I'm looking for: An adult female goddess between the ages of 1 to 4 days. Maturity is important. I don't want to be your parent. I want to be your partner.

My type: A boss babe with the hustle to lay up to 350 eggs under a pile of decaying crabgrass next to a Fanta bottle near a drainage ditch. I'm also into a thick thorax and an elongated rostrum. I know it's not politically correct to talk about bodies, but I literally don't have time to lie.

A perfect Saturday: First we chase the rumble and exhaust fumes of a Ford F-150 on the highway. Then we land on a few white T-shirts and shiny surfaces, share some laughs. Finally, we copulate dangerously close to an unsuspecting human's ear canal.

Let's chat about: I'm not really here for conversation. But if talking is what it takes to catch your attention, I've got thoughts on the flavors of manure. And I can tell you about my 360-degree holoptic eyeballs.

Heroes: Elon Musk, Nick Cannon, Genghis Khan.

My love language: Physical touch, and by touch I mean delivering genetic material to my beloved over the course of hours or even days.

I'm naughty because: Heh, heh, heh. Well, we all know I'm an exhibitionist. When you only live for four days, you stop caring what society thinks and make love on the bullseye of a Super Target.

My greatest strength: A willingness to die post-coitally and be dragged around by my lucky lady while still attached to her abdomen. (I am a feminist.)

What people misunderstand about me: Some people think the University of Florida created lovebugs in a lab. I think this conspiracy is mysterious and dope, so I don't correct them.

The vibe I bring to the function: Uninvited guy in a bucket hat and Meta glasses.

My favorite line from a movie: "Get busy living, or get busy dying" from "The Shawshank Redemption," except I would say "and" instead of "or." Because I'm for sure going to die. Possibly very soon. Uh. Yeah! Please match with me.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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