MINNEAPOLIS -- Once they were like you: obsessively checking apps after their children’s tryouts, dutifully schlepping kids and gear bags to practices and games, or wildly shouting from the bleachers.

Then the kids grew up, and they gained perspective. Some accumulated regrets.

We asked parents whose children have aged out of youth sports what they wished they’d known years ago. Now they understand which choices mattered — and which didn’t. May their wisdom, along with additional advice from coaches and experts, be a guide on the whirlwind journey of kids’ sports.

How to chill out at games

With my son, I very much wish I had toned it down, and knew to just shut up and let him drive his own experience. He and I have a strong relationship (he is 22 now), but I feel that I made his formative years more stressful than they needed to be.

My daughter is a little bit more strong-willed. I still remember the evening after a lacrosse game I immediately provided my typical constructive criticism. She started crying and said, “Dad, all I really needed was, ‘Good game.’ ” She was probably a senior in high school at the time, and a very mature, put-together young lady. I never offered her unsolicited criticism again for the remainder of her lacrosse-playing days.

— Matt Heerey, Savage

Understand where your personal triggers come from. Do you live vicariously through your child? What drives you to want the best for your kid? Is it your own childhood trauma? Knowing this would help you see things more clearly.

— Dyami Starks, Minnesota basketball trainer, coach and former Division I athlete

Ask your kid if they like your yelling, even the positive kind. Adults yelling at youth line judges, officials or umpires are bullies: Stop it. Too anxious to watch your kids? Do the books or scoreboard. Losing a game or tournament is not an indictment of your parenting. Give a hug, hit the Dairy Queen. No post-game rant needed.

Tryouts are stressful. When you look back, you won’t care who was on the B or C team. Make the best of wherever they land.

— Lea B. Olsen, Minneapolis, sports broadcaster and former Division I athlete

I ran an annual basketball tournament for eight years. Saw a lot. Bad coaches, bad parents. Great refs, great parents. Kicking out parents. The fourth-grade parents were the worst, and each year parents got a tad better when they realized their kids weren’t going pro and probably not going to play in college.

It’s about the journey and the experience — not the wins and losses. Have fun, learn and develop, be a good teammate. If the kid’s interested enough to put in the effort and has the genetics, they’ll be fine, but that’s not the main goal. The cards will dictate the kid’s ability to move on to high school or college.

— Matthew Ruble, Bloomington

Don’t sleep on rec programs

We had four sons in baseball. Two spent several seasons in traveling ball. It was brutal. We were always on the road, always in traffic. At age 12, we pulled our most promising athlete out and went to Minneapolis park ball. It was the best thing we ever did. We traveled — but to other parks in the city, rather than the exurbs. My son played many more teams of color. It was good baseball without the hype and parental pressure. My son thrived. In high school, he became an all-conference and all-section player, and it helped him earn an appointment to the U.S. Naval Academy — where everyone must play a competitive sport for four years. Youth baseball taught my son resilience, discipline, the importance of team, and leadership. He learned to pick himself up from defeat and it gave him the desire and will to win.

— Ray Wuolo, Minneapolis

On motivation

It has to be driven by the kid. I think if parents followed that rule, everyone would win. The myth I hear from them repeatedly is that they’re going to get a return on investment because their son or daughter is going to get a college scholarship. The investment should be in your child’s mental and physical health.

The pathology we’d like to prevent is the parents.

— Marc Swiontkowski, orthopedic surgeon, Minnetonka

Was it worth it?

Financially, no. The costs went up each year and towards the end it was about $15,000 annually to keep my daughter on her team. Unless you’re comfortable financially, don’t put this type of stress on your pocketbook.

Discipline-wise, yes. Even though soccer practice and games took up three to four days a week, she always kept a high G.P.A., plus she didn’t have time to get into trouble.

— Janet Haidar, Apple Valley

Putting on guardrails

You’re going to have to stick up for your child if the organization is making unreasonable demands. Safeguard their well-being and their health.

Some kids need to be protected against their own ambition. There’s a rule of thumb that says kids should not play more hours per week than they are years old, so in theory a 5-year-old should not play more than five hours a week.

You can accept the reality that you might have to do things you think are stupid in order to preserve some options for high school. But I would try to keep it low-key for as long as possible. As soon as it gets intense, it’s not fun for kids.

— Linda Flanagan, author of “Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania Are Ruining Kids’ Sports — and Why It Matters”

Youth sports are time-consuming but not all-consuming — because we didn’t let it be. Our boys still had other activities, focus on academics, after-school jobs, and time to just be kids. But they were able to do that because we got off the traveling-ball circuit.

— Ray Wuolo, Minneapolis

When given the choice of going to extra practice or a skills camp or going to a friend’s cabin, we should continue to choose the things that allow kids to be kids. Even if they became a D-I athlete, I wouldn’t want to take their childhood away. I would tell my younger self: When given the choice, choose the kid stuff.

— Josh Fields, Shoreview

What I wish I’d known

You don’t need to buy into the hype that you need to have your child on a certain team or club to be successful. Support your child and listen and watch them to see if they’re happy.

You will be required to spend a lot of time away from home and if you have other children, that could be an issue. You could set yourself or your child up to be resented by the other children for the lack of time you’re home, the lack of funds for their activities, and for possibly “favoring” the child who is playing.

Also, don’t assume they’ll want to play in college. They can very well burn out on the sport before they’re done with high school.

— Janet Haidar, Apple Valley

Prioritizing yourself

Think about what you’re modeling and embrace the fact that you deserve some self-respect. It’s okay to have interests that go beyond your kids’ activities. Your time and your health matters.

— Linda Flanagan, journalist and author

What is lost

We never got to travel together during major school holidays. That broke my heart, as I know those would have been enriching experiences and bonding time for our three children and our entire family. I wish we could have done more trips in middle school and high school. More heartbreak was that we were rarely able to have holiday get-togethers with my brother and sister and their families. They had kids who were elite athletes and sports always took priority, as they were required to play. It was sad that our kids and their kids couldn’t continue to bolster the great bonds they had prior to sports taking over their worlds.

— Rich Fink, Chaska

Life after youth sports

As each child’s respective career was coming to an end, I anticipated there being a giant hole in my life when each child stopped playing for good. I was concerned my identity would have a substantial gap in it. I was greatly surprised at how wrong I was. There was no hole. Life just moves on in other ways. The kids transition to college or to their career, and the parents find ways to enjoy more downtime as a couple. The end of competitive sports was not at all the “bad” thing I thought it would be. We all simply transitioned into the next phases of our lives. It was healthy, and it was great.

— Matt Heerey, Savage

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