ArcaMax

Before we start, it's important that we all know what "Juventus" is.

They're an Italian soccer team, based in Turin, and they're one of the top squads in the country. Some of the sport's most recognizable athletes, like Michel Platini, Roberto Baggio and Zinedine Zidane, have played for Juventus. I'm not sure what significance Juventus holds ...Read more

It's not that I don't remember my father complaining.

Because, oh, he did plenty of that. He complained about how there were too many lights on in the house, how we hadn't eaten all our food, how the door was still open or how we'd turned the heat up too high. He complained that our grades weren't good enough, that we fought with each other ...Read more

COUNSELOR: Gentlemen, please have a seat. Thanks for coming today. I understand the two of you are navigating a recent conflict and would like some guidance in resolving that dispute. It's very brave to seek help, you know.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: (Mumbling) Wasn't my idea. Mike Johnson insisted.

ELON MUSK: Did you hear that? This is the ...Read more

If you've been reading, listening to or watching the news lately, you've heard about the allegations that former President Joe Biden suffered a precipitous cognitive decline while in office, one that could not and apparently did not go unnoticed by Democratic lawmakers, aides, strategists and big-wig donors including Amal Clooney's husband, ...Read more

On the night of May 21, someone shot two young Israeli Embassy employees walking out of the Capital Jewish Museum in Washington, D.C., after an event. Police said the suspect shouted, "Free, free Palestine," after he was arrested. In a New York Times post about the attack, one commenter suggested giving the shooter a medal. Another replied, "...Read more

Sometimes, I pretend to be a lunch lady.

I volunteer for shifts helping out at my boys' elementary school, work that entails helping the other lunchroom workers get set up for the rush, dishing out the food when the kids get there, and then helping restock the fresh fruit and veggies before I take off my apron and gloves and sit down next to ...Read more

I don't know if you've heard already, but there's a new pope in town.

Not only is he American -- the first U.S.-born head of the Catholic Church -- but he's also from Chicago, which is close enough to where I live to have sent a thrill of victory through me when I heard the announcement.

For Greek people, it's like hearing someone famous is ...Read more

Attorney General Pam Bondi recently congratulated President Donald Trump in a cabinet meeting, saying that he has personally saved 258 million lives.

Bondi said millions of fentanyl-laced pills that teenagers would have bought thinking they were "a Tylenol or an Adderall" (there, apparently, being a demand for black-market acetaminophen) have...Read more

President Donald Trump says he wants to be the "fertilization president." Vice President JD Vance posits that we need "more babies" in the United States. Elon Musk -- who's not an official member of the Trump cabinet but might as well be -- is a "pro-natalist" who's personally trying to rectify the depopulation problem by impregnating every ...Read more

The following is a transcript of a phone call you made last month to your internet service provider after you discovered that your internet was out.

Suspiciously robotic voice: Hello! You've reached Bromtast. My name is Valerie. How can I help you today?

You: Hi, "Valerie." I'm having trouble with my internet. I'm not getting a Wi-Fi signal ...Read more

Mindfulness meditation: It's all the rage.

If you've been anywhere, talked to anyone or visited any social media site, you've likely heard about some of the positive effects of mindfulness meditation -- how it can help with a wide variety of problems like depression, stress, insomnia, high blood pressure, male-pattern baldness, persistent ...Read more

Hi, my name is Jeffrey the Macaroni Penguin.

I am the prime minister of the penguin contingent on Heard Island, which was recently informed by Donald Trump, the president of the United States, that we would be subject to a 10% tariff due to an alleged trade imbalance with his country.

I'd like to take this opportunity to respond to the ...Read more

SMALL GROUP RE: TEXT THREAD CONCERNING STRIKE ON HOUTHI REBELS IN YEMEN

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Waltz: Hi, team. Creating a new Signal thread for the small group about the text thread concerning the strike on Houthi rebels in Yemen. Please reply with your favorite emoji to show you're receiving.

...Read more