Q. My ex’s boyfriend just moved in with her. We share custody of my 6-year-old daughter. We were at her ballet recital and I overheard him chastising my daughter for something. I’m not crazy about the idea of her boyfriend disciplining my daughter. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Hearing another adult correct your child can feel surprisingly emotional, especially when that person is romantically involved with your ex. It can trigger jealousy, protectiveness, fear of being replaced or concern about boundaries. But before deciding this is a major problem, it’s important to look at what actually happened.

There’s a big difference between appropriate guidance and inappropriate discipline.

If your ex’s boyfriend harshly embarrassed your daughter, yelled at her, threatened her or used physical punishment, that’s a serious concern and should absolutely be addressed with your co-parent immediately. But if he calmly corrected behavior in the moment, such as telling her not to run backstage, interrupt performers or grab someone else’s costume, that’s more about supervising a child than “taking over” parenting.

When adults live with children, interaction is unavoidable. A live-in partner cannot realistically be expected to ignore behavior issues completely, but it must be done within the boundaries established by the parents. That’s why Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 4 is: “Parents make the rules; bonus parents uphold them.”

If a child is doing something unsafe, rude or disruptive, the adult present will naturally respond. The question is not whether they should ever say anything. The question is how much authority they should have and whether both parents have discussed those expectations. Co-parents must come to agreement about a new partner’s role in the child’s life before anyone moves in with anyone, particularly when it comes to discipline, authority, routines and household expectations.

Children do best when the parents remain the primary authority figures, especially during the early adjustment period. Bonus parents can support household rules and reinforce expectations, but major discipline decisions should come from the parents.

That doesn’t mean a bonus parent has no authority whatsoever. Children need consistency and structure in the home, and that includes respectful interaction with the adults who live there. The healthiest balance is supportive involvement, not parental replacement.

The best approach is to talk calmly with your co-parent, not accuse her boyfriend directly. Avoid statements like, “Your boyfriend better not parent my child.” That will likely create defensiveness and more conflict. Instead, focus on cooperation and clarity.

You might say something like: “I realize he’s part of the household now, and I appreciate that he helps with her. I’d just feel more comfortable if major discipline issues came from us as parents.”

You should also pay attention to your daughter’s reaction. Does she seem frightened around him? Withdrawn? Confused? Or does she simply see him as another adult helping maintain order? Children often give us the clearest picture.

Good ex-etiquette means recognizing that new partners may become important people in your child’s life while still maintaining clear parenting boundaries. The goal isn’t to eliminate the bonus parent from the equation. The goal is making sure everyone understands their role so the child feels supported, safe and secure. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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