Q. My ex showed up at my birthday party with roses and wanting to get back together. I don’t want to. He cheated, I don’t trust him and I am done. We have a child and I am afraid if I don’t take him seriously, he will withhold my child and try to get sole custody. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Your co-parent crossed a boundary by bringing a romantic gesture into a space that should be separate from your parenting relationship. Actually, he crossed a boundary when he cheated.

But that’s done and in the past.

Although it can be regarded as a compliment that he has seen the error of his ways, if it’s not what you want, you don’t need to entertain it, soften it, or leave the door open “just in case.” Mixed messages create more problems than they solve.

Good ex-etiquette means separating your personal relationship from your parenting relationship. You can be cooperative co-parents without being romantic partners. In fact, the clearer that line is, the easier it is to avoid confusion and conflict going forward.

As for your fear that he will take you back to court, it’s understandable to feel that way. But it’s important to keep things in perspective. Custody decisions aren’t based on whether you choose to reconcile. Courts look at parenting, not personal rejection. All things equal, joint custody is granted most often. When sole custody is assigned to one parent, it’s usually because of a safety concern. If you are a consistent, involved parent, your decision not to reunite is not something that can be used against you.

That said, protect yourself by keeping communication child-focused and, when possible, in writing. If he becomes reactive or makes threats, don’t engage emotionally. Respond only to parenting issues and keep your tone steady and factual.

You might say, “I’m happy to discuss anything related to our child. I’m not available to discuss our past relationship.” Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 8: Be honest and straightforward.

Also, be mindful of how you respond in the moment. Big gestures like showing up with roses are often designed to create pressure or urgency. They put you on the spot. And if you don’t feel the same way, they become a vehicle to get you to say yes when you mean no. A calm, private response later is often more effective than reacting publicly. This keeps emotions from escalating and reinforces that you are not engaging on that level.

If the behavior continues, consistency is your strongest ally. Each time you respond with the same clear, respectful boundary, you reduce the likelihood that he will keep testing it. Over time, most people adjust when they see that the message isn’t changing.

Also, avoid one-on-one situations that blur the line or offer false hope. Meet in neutral settings or keep exchanges brief and focused. The clearer the boundary, the less room there is for misunderstanding — or manipulation.

And remember: Your child benefits from two parents who respect each other’s roles, not from parents who stay connected out of fear. Clear boundary. Child-focused communication. Confidence in your role. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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