Q. My ex takes me back to court about three times a year. Rarely does anything change, and it costs thousands, which just frustrates me further. The court just ordered us into co-parenting classes. I don't think it will help and it will be a waste of time, but we have to do it because it is court-ordered. What's good ex-etiquette?

A. Courts generally don’t send parents to co-parenting classes because they think the parents are “bad.” More often, they do it because the court has exhausted what it can realistically do. Judges can make orders about schedules, holidays, transportation and decision-making, but they can’t order people to communicate respectfully or solve problems productively. That part is up to the parents.

In many high-conflict cases, the real issue isn’t necessarily the parenting plan itself. It’s the inability to communicate without anger, defensiveness, blame or retaliation. That’s why co-parenting classes are often ordered. The court is basically saying, “We’ve given you the structure. Now you need tools to make it work.”

So before you decide the classes are pointless, consider the possibility that you may learn something useful, even if your ex does not. That alone can change the dynamic.

Good co-parenting classes aren’t about forcing friendship or pretending the breakup didn’t hurt. They’re about learning practical skills: how to respond instead of reacting, how to lower conflict during disagreements, how to keep children out of adult issues, and how to communicate clearly without escalating every interaction.

One of the biggest misunderstandings about co-parenting is that both parents must participate equally for progress to happen. That’s simply not true. When one parent changes how they respond, arguments often lose momentum. You stop taking the bait. You stop defending every accusation. You stop treating every disagreement like an emergency.

That doesn’t mean you become passive. It means you become intentional.

You also may discover that some of your conflict patterns are predictable. Do you ever hear yourself saying, "I know what's going to happen if I say anything..." Maybe conversations spiral because you text emotionally instead of waiting until you calm down. Maybe neither of you listens because both are too busy preparing rebuttals. Maybe court has become the default problem-solving tool because neither of you trusts direct communication anymore.

Those are communication problems, not necessarily legal problems.

And remember this: Your children are watching all of it. They may not know the details of court filings or attorney fees, but they absolutely feel the tension. Every return to court reinforces the idea that their parents are still fighting. Co-parenting classes are designed to interrupt that cycle.

Will one class magically transform your relationship? Probably not. But if you walk in determined to prove it won’t work, you guarantee that it won’t. If you walk in willing to learn one or two tools that reduce conflict, save money, and make life calmer for your children, then the class has value.

Remember, sometimes the lesson isn’t about changing your ex. It’s about changing the way the two of you communicate so your children no longer live in the middle. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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