ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I have a 9-year-old son from a previous relationship and a 3-year-old daughter with my current partner. He is a wonderful, involved father and partner. He makes lunches, does laundry, cleans up after dinner, helps with bedtime and will often notice something needs to be done before I even ask.

The strange part is that instead of simply appreciating the help, I sometimes feel guilty about it. I grew up in a home where my mother did almost everything. My father worked hard, but housework and taking care of the children were considered her responsibility. Somewhere along the way, I think I absorbed the idea that a "good mother" should be able to handle all of it herself.

The other morning, my partner was packing the kids' lunches while I was getting ready for work. My first instinct was to tell him I would do it. Then I looked over and saw my son watching him calmly make sandwiches, fill water bottles and clean up the counter afterward. It struck me that maybe my son was learning something important in that moment.

I want him to grow up believing that cooking, cleaning and caring for children are not "women's work," but simply part of being a good partner and a responsible adult. At the same time, I still hear that little voice telling me I should be doing more myself.

How do I let go of this guilt and accept that sharing the workload doesn't make me less of a mother? Could allowing my partner to do his fair share actually be one of the better examples we are setting for our children? -- Learning to Share the Load

Dear Learning to Share: Let him make the sandwiches. A good partnership isn't measured by who does more; it's built by two people sharing the load.

And your son is watching. Every time he sees a man cook, clean or care for his children, he learns that being helpful at home isn't "women's work." It's simply part of being a good partner.

That may be one of the best lessons you can give him.

Dear Annie: I have three grown children whom I love dearly, but lately I feel as though I'm always the one making the effort to stay connected. I call, I text, I suggest dinners and family get-togethers, and too often I get short replies or hear that everyone is busy.

I understand that they have careers, spouses, children and lives of their own. I don't expect to be the center of their world. But it hurts when I see them making time for friends, vacations and other plans while I seem to get whatever time is left over.

I'm afraid that if I say something, I'll sound needy or make them feel guilty. At the same time, I'm becoming resentful, and I don't want that to damage our relationship. Should I tell my children that I feel overlooked, or should I accept that this is simply part of having adult children and concentrate more on building a life of my own? -- Missing My Family

Dear Missing My Family: Tell them you miss them. Do so in a way that does not sound like a guilt trip. Adult children get busy, and I bet they don't even know how little they are seeing you. Then keep building a full life of your own, all the while communicating how much you love your children.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.