ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My brother-in-law is constantly making offensive and over-the-top jokes. Whenever I call him out, he tells me I'm "too sensitive."

To me, that's the same as saying, "I don't care about your feelings and I'm going to blame this conflict entirely on you!" I always point this out, but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

This is gaslighting of the worst kind. How can I respond in the future to make him take some actual accountability? -- Oversensitive

Dear Oversensitive: Your brother-in-law's trick is to shift the spotlight from his joke to your reaction. Don't follow him there. A calm, "I don't find that funny," lands better than a full debate about your sensitivity.

Dear Annie: My wife and I both grew up in the Midwest. We traveled some after retirement and found a wonderful senior community in a much warmer climate state. We finally decided to move to that location to spend the winters. We were always worried about falling on the ice and snow at our Midwest location.

After a few years of being gone for the winter, we decided to make that place our permanent home. At first, our kids were very supportive and helped us move. They and our grandkids kept in touch with frequent phone calls and even visited once a year, sometimes more often. Sadly, after three years of living in our new home state, my wife of 60 years passed away due to a sudden illness.

Now I'm alone, but thanks to the community we live in, the support from our friends has saved the day for me. They seemed to know when I needed support and when I needed to be left alone. Now my children think that I should move back to the Midwest to be closer to them in "my remaining years."

I'm 79, in good health, can cook for myself and drive safely, and I'm active in community activities. They want me to move back and live in an assisted living apartment, which is the last thing I want.

In the last few months, their "plans" have become the focus of our conversations. Now when the phone rings, I really don't want to answer it for another round of arguments about where they think I should be living. Some of the calls have become a bit heated, which is starting to drive a wedge in our relationship.

Where I'm living now was our happy place, and I feel like my wife is still with me when I'm here in the house we built together and that she decorated so beautifully. It is my home.

What can I say to my kids to make them stop planning my life for me? My grandkids keep telling me to stand my ground. -- Just Let Me Live My Life

Dear Just Let Me Live: Your children are coming from a place of love, but love can sometimes sound a lot like control.

You've described a life that is active, supported and meaningful. At 79, in good health and managing well, you have every right to choose where and how you live.

Tell your children, calmly and firmly: "I know you're worried, and I appreciate that. But I'm doing well here, and this is still where I want to be." Then change the subject. You don't need to debate your own life.

If the conversations continue to turn into arguments, it's OK to set limits: "I won't keep discussing this."

As long as you are safe and capable, which you still are, this decision is yours. And living a life that still feels like home is worth holding onto.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.